my inner realm

My last post

2011-02-28T22:05:00.002+08:00

After lots of deliberation, I've decided to stop blogging on this space.

It's sad to leave, really, after 4 years' worth of memories and stories. It has gone through with me through ups and downs, allowing me to rant as I wish, and served me well when I needed a listening ear the most.

The choice to abandon it came up because of personal reasons.. Let's just say that a very insecure and over-cautious (yet intuitive) me has this need to assure myself that my deepest and innermost thoughts and feelings are not revealed to someone who is not welcome to them. I'm not referring to any of my friends whom I had willingly shared my blog with or even to any of you readers-strangers out there who had so well-meaningly read and encouraged me along the way. I really appreciate all of that!

I know that some of you have blogs of your own and may want to share them with me, and some of you may even have words for me still... You can feel free to reach me personally at my email, bluebliss@hotmail.com, as long as you're a sincere reader.

Farewell, to my beloved blog, and so long =)

2011-02-05T20:42:00.010+08:00

It's great to have a few days off work and spend time with the family. Non-stop feasting and sleeping... really needed the rest.

Yesterday, Ethan came over and he was in a good mood. Waved to me and just before he left, he came into my bedroom and jumped onto my bed... snuggled there for awhile and i went to sit with him on my bed. Then, the most wonderful thing happened. He gave me a big, long hug and pulled me down to lie with him for awhile. He was smiling from ear to ear. It was like a miracle to me =)

Today I went over to his place. We could hear his screams on the third floor, and went up to see what's going on. Apparently, he was having tummy ache, and was rolling around, kicking and crying in agony, hitting and biting himself, and not only that, he kept trying to pinch us, grab us and kick us. He bit my cousin's toe until it bled. It was so heartpain seeing him in this agony. 2 - 3 adults had to grab hold of his limbs to stop him from hurting himself and others. Sometimes, I think I would never have the courage to pull through having a kid with ASD. I know he would never have what other children would have for a childhood. But I wish for him happiness, pure innocent joy.

A beautiful quote I came across...

"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."

And I know, I'm afraid of tossing that coin. Because I don't wish to find out what I'm hoping for deep inside.

My first escargot experience.. Never too late to try new things, food especially. I learnt to eat abalone only when I was 20. And became so in love with it. Also recently tried foie gras by a very friendly old french chef. I think I'd love it if given a bit more time!

New year spells abalone! Lots and lots of it, but never enough. Only the good ones are worth eating. I like them plain, sliced just of the right thickness, straight outta the can!

Went to Macau and back. Very nice CNY lighting and ambience =) I miss travelling...

Me and Jiaying on the swing at Ethan's house today... Some happy sisterly times. I have soooo few cousins who are girls or near my age.. there's like 20 boys and 5 girls. thus CNYs are rather boring affairs for me at relatives' places. I'm like the 4th youngest on my mum's side, and Jiaying is the youngest. The other 20 cousins are all older than me and 90% married. I'm the only one of my age whenever we go visiting.. When I was young I was pampered and spoilt by them cos i was the youngest for a longgg time, but no one bothers about me now. They only ask me when they can stop giving me ang baos?

I wore a cheongsum top which I got rather last minute but happy that it arrived before CNY. Hate my hidden eyelids which folds under and the double lids are only visible when I look down. It's a nightmare putting eyeliner. I've invested sooo much $$ on good eyeliners but nothing, absolutely nothing works on me. ARGH!

I've made a decision... a decision I'm not happy with but I know is the only right way to go and would make me happier in the long run. I finally know why decisions are so tough. They are tough because you can only choose one path. You choose it and you live with it, regret it whatever, but you walk it through. There's no option of trying out two paths at the same time and choosing the better one, there's no turning back time and choosing the other path halfway through, there's no way of knowing how it will turn out should you choose the other path. You can only make the best out of the road you take and hope it turns out fine =)

2011-01-23T16:08:00.003+08:00

i can't wait to get my hands on this bobbi brown make-up palette!!

it has everything i really need and want now... a good blusher(s) (gosh, all my blusher containers' lids have dropped off!), good and lasting lip gloss (my friends swear by bobby brown lip glosses), nice shades of eyeshadows, and an eyeliner. pretty much on-the-go! was quite surprised to see that it's only retailing at $75. that's like... around the cost of my chanel sunblock and just abit more than my lancome lipgloss??!

this is the cover...

the inside...

i'm so gonna get it after the bobbi brown workshop on wed =)

strangely relaxing sunday. it feels almost therapeutic to catch up with little silly things like uploading ALL my photos, organizing them finally, smiling at family shots, upgrading my iphone software FINALLY (yippee!! my itunes actually started up on its own this time), having a simple meal at home in the presence of my family, doing lots of online shopping and selling, all these whilst listening to oldies.

i'm now going to read a book on the bed and eat the snickers my friend gave me... couldn't bear to eat it and she said i'm so silly and she'll buy me more next time! i'm just lacking a nice cup of hot tea in a rose teacup. really want to own a nice set next time.

the morning after a good sleep last night, felt good and not so good at the same time.

2011-01-22T23:34:00.002+08:00

we're two persons, of worlds apart.

trying very hard, too hard maybe, to be together.

we've tried for 3 years, to change things, improve ourselves, learn from lessons, be a better partner. but we are who we are, sometimes there's just no right or wrong.

and i find it so hard, to love everything about you, and love everything and everybody in your life, cos there's just so many of them.

and if love means giving up my life, who i am, to fit myself into your life, and everything and everybody in your life, to be waiting all the time, then i would rather not.

and i would think that if love means all the above mentioned on my part, then maybe there's no love on your part for me.

maybe i'm still selfish, or maybe i still don't love enough. but i have given alot. and this is the most i can give, and i have tried too hard and long. too too much.

and lately i've been thinking, some things just cannot be forced. if it's not meant to be, i can't make it be.

if unhappiness, uncertainty and bitterness still cloud over us, is it time to let go after so long?

the feeling is bittersweet. but i do not want bittersweet, i want sweetness. i'm willing to give everything to make things better, but i'm already by far convinced that this is all on my part only. and so i do not want anymore.

lots of wishful thinking. really, on my part. wistful, hopeful, a silly little girl with tiny dreams. but now i'm almost ready to surrender, lacking that bit of courage as again.

what can i do?

Say hello to the world!

2011-01-17T22:38:00.005+08:00

It was a moment of joy for the family today as we met our new additions - my baby niece and nephew twins!!

Contrary to popular guesses within the family of who might come out first, the one who beat the other to it was our big sister, weighing 2.1kg, in what i think was the best captured pose of entering the world -- arms flailing in excitement/trepidation, face cringed in horror, legs outstretched -- this girl sure knows what she's getting herself into!

Then came our little brother... ironically the bigger and stronger one at 2.6kg. A certain measure of fiery there too, I suppose. Well, it's the family of four tigers! Quite bloody cos it was a caesarean birth... wait till you look at pictures of my cousin's naval. According to accounts from mr. cousin, blood was spurting out! Gawddd.

The two babies are sweet and sound. So cute and angelic... i heart. Sleeping side by side, sister and brother, inseparable before birth, inseparable at birth, and hopefully for the rest of their lives to come.

The wonder of new lives never cease to amaze me. The beauty of life and the love of mothers to be able to go through so much pain, is simply amazing. I've always loved babies, that pure, innocent state of being, created by their parents' love and nothing else. It makes me feel like there is so much to give, so much to look forward to in a whole new life to come.

I asked my cousin whether she was scared before entering the operating theatre. She said she wasn't at all, cos there's nothing to be scared about since she's going to go through it anyway. She even went for supper last night! I seriously salute her and admire her courage. Maybe love pulls you through everything.

It's gonna be so wonderful having twins in the family!! Other than the fact that I have to buy everything in twos that is... but I'm just sooo looking forward to playing with them, carrying them in turns and stuff. Watching them grow up even... gosh I'm so auntie-ish. But I've always been close to my cousin and have waited soooo long for these babies to arrive, I can't contain my excitement =)

But gone will be the days when we go for Sunday shopping with the mums, or go for a short trip somewhere, or have tea in the afternoons... somehow, i feel a tinge of guilty sadness, that my cousin won't be my cousin alone anymore, she will be a mother WITH two kids all the time! And now, I feel regret over the times I turned her down for Sunday shopping due to other commitments... We'll no longer have those times again. But I think what I can look forward to is a different kind of joy, such as spending time with the babies at her place. =)

We lived tog when I was young and kind of grew up tog... she took care of me and acted like my big sister cos she's much older than me.. I just seriously can't get used to her being tied down to a family. But still, I'm enormously happy for her and hubby, who's been trying for babies for such a long time and had to go thru much pains to get their wish. It's so good for them that this is happening!

I love them so much, already =))

2011-01-07T00:41:00.002+08:00

I haven't seen my parents this whole week... cos each day i leave home at 7am+ when mummy's still sleeping and dad's out jogging/marketing, and come home at 11, 12 at night when they've gone to bed. Feel a bit guilty, as if I'm treating the house like a hotel at times.

Increasingly these few months, I cease to see them for full weeks consecutively, since I'm seldom home on weekends too. We've stopped really having meals tog, save for occasions/festives. Sometimes I feel like i'm a terrible daughter.. and I don't know how to make up for it. =( And it's real ironic that I actually miss them right now, though they're sleeping in the next room, just behind the wall I'm facing.

I still wanna go for that family trip I've been thinking of.. but I don't know how to make it work and come true.

At times my mum will exclaim, daughters are never really yours, they'll become someone else's one day. And sometimes it feels a little sad... I never want to leave their side.

The rocky horror show was great... fun, sexy and hilarious. shall i add, real sexy with an oomph! been a long while since i've caught a play/musical and i miss these, really. still can rem corinne may's xmas concert fresh in my head, which was fantastic.. phantom of the opera from years ago, and the locally produced ones like dim sum dollies and beauty world.. all so long ago!!

Just went to catch a comedy thriller.. it turned out to be quite scary, so I came home a bit scared. Each night, the thing i dread doing most is to turn off the lights, esp those in the living room cos the windows are facing the vast, dark park... brr.

I'm dreading a lot of things right now.. dunno why but having a major emo episode all of a sudden and don't feel like turning in. another day of work tmr, then l4D at night with colleagues.

Jan is the month of decision makings.. and sometimes you feel like you're neither here nor there.

The year past and the year ahead

2010-12-30T22:59:00.002+08:00

X'mas was a heartwarming affair at my big aunt's place. It was sweet of her and mummy to prepare so much food for so many guests. I love my aunt, and I miss her alot nowadays.. Nice meeting my newborn baby niece for the first time and cuddling her in my arms... she was like a little cute mouse! And dinner with Kai's family was nice too.. though we waited 2 hrs for the crabs =)

The family has got rooms at Merchant Court tomorrow, and we're getting to see fireworks!! *excited*

How i love half-days. Esp after a Thursday like today, a mad whirl of rush again. A prelude to the new year of WORK. Did a presentation today, went quite smooth. Just relieved it's over.. but I've done so many this year I'm getting used to it. I'm still in a holiday mood and soooo reluctant to move forward, stuck in an inertia and hate the fact that work is pouring in. Same two teams, more projects, more schools, and we're adding service quality standards to our work. They're gonna track how much time we spend in school, on each assessment and consultation, how fast we complete each case or respond to schools' requests...can u believe it?! ARGH

But before ALL of that, I'm gonna have my weekend, short as it is.

2010 hadn't been really good to me..

Fell sick umpteen times this year, health condition was really poor. Worst case of cough! Some other health issues too which haven't really been settled, dragging on to next year where I hope they may turn for the better? Fingers crossed, i'm praying. Terrible year of work, work and work. Was upset and stressed, though at times I've also learnt to let go. Ups and downs in my personal relationships. I think there's other stuff but my mind has effectively blocked them out.

Of cos, there were the good times as well. A few short trips this year to unwind.. though my male colleague would make fun of me mercilessly, about my Batam/Bintan trips while he goes to Belgium, and while I go to places like Malacca/Macau he goes to Mexico, and I go to Hong Kong while he goes to Hellas (greek word for Greece). Arghhh i swear my colleagues are all damn rich! But i'm contented with what I had. Things were more stable this year too, and I spent several precious weekends. I enjoyed picking up yoga/body combat too!

Looking ahead to 2011, i'm a little afraid...

I fear turning 27. I really can't imagine inching towards the big 3 so so closely.. Sometimes I jolt up in the middle of the night, with sudden realization that I'm 26.5, and fear grips me. I admit I'm really afraid of growing up and turning old -- not that I fear the age alone -- but I fear that my mental and emotional age is unable to catch up with my chronological age, and I fear that life is passing me by so quickly, and I'm unable to catch up with the milestones that years ago, I thought I would have attained/would be attaining by now/soon. I fear being unable to do anything about my career and find something that I really wanna do and really like, and before I know it, I'll be middle aged. OMG. I swear I feel more like I'm 23 or 24 right now, and I feel as if given my life situation/current milestones, that's the age I'm living in.

it's a scary feeling indeed. but yet, i look forward to 2011, with a (slight) thirst to embrace certain things in a wistful way. I hope that I'll be able to figure out my life in the coming year. And that really about sums up everything.

I saw a friend's pictures on facebook, a gd friend whom I've lost touch with years ago. Her face was a picture of pure happiness and joy, untainted. I rem her as someone who's always smiling and laughing off everything. Her happiness is infectious, even through a picture. It fascinates me, how one can be blessed with such goodness and joy.

I wish for such happiness, and I think everyone deserves and can have it, if they can love a bit more, and allow themselves to be loved a bit more.

2010-12-19T22:42:00.003+08:00

last friday we brought ethan to marina bay sands, cos he loves being by the river. he was so cute and happy that day.. smiling at us, shaking our hands and laughing at xmas lights.

i think i seldom get to spend time with ethan and my big aunt.. so i truly cherish that rare day out with them.

sometimes it's heartbreaking to see my aunt growing old, and being kept so tired by the kids..

if there's anyone else i love other than my parents, it would be my aunt. she raised me up when i was young, and was a mother in my eyes. i could remember her feeding me porridge by the spoonful, and i wasn't an easy baby to feed at all! i would puke all the veg out, and i would take like 1 or 2 hrs to finish up my food.

my aunt didn't have an easy life.. i rem she lived frugally to raise up her 3 kids, my cousins. there's a particular memory i have of my aunt, which pains me very much. i was very young then, probably 4.. i was staying with her in malaysia. she had been looking around to take care of babies for some time, to earn some income. one day, she received a call from a neighbour, who was referring someone with a newborn and would like to look for a nanny. i remember that for that afternoon, she held my hand and we walked down several streets, terrace after terrace of houses, to look for that lady's house. we never found it. and we walked home, downcast.

at that very young age, i understood my aunt's frugality and pains. whenever the lorry with groceries and meat came round our house, i would ask my aunt's mother-in-law to pay for the meat, in teochew. i refused to let my aunt pay for anything.

then there were those times when she brought me to see the doctor, or the dentist, on the bus. and at night, together with her, i would prepare the bed for my little cousin. I had to lay pieces of plastic sheets all over his mattress, as he still peed at night.

now that my aunt's children have all grown up, she has to take care of my cousin's kids. ethan has autism and it really isn't easy taking care of him at all... he can't speak at all and would hit himself when in pain. so my aunt's life hasn't been easy even at this age when she should be enjoying life..

feel so emo suddenly..

i spent a good sunday with mummy today too.. we went to look for curtain fabrics.

it was a good family+kai weekend.... =)

2010-12-14T00:06:00.002+08:00

I was at such a romantic, dreamy, near-perfect wedding last night.

The venue was held at Capella in Sentosa, a quiet colonial style hotel atop a gentle hill. It was surrounded by lush greenery. The interior -- soft orange lighting, high wooden doors and ceiling, beautiful walls and victorian rose stands. The two video monitors were so sharp and vivid, unlike many blurred flimsy screens I've seen at other weddings.

The bride's gown was almost perfect.. it was light and fluffy with soft flutters.. simple, classy and nothing elaborate. the only thing to pick on is perhaps that the train was a little too short in my opinion.

A band was singing love songs throughout the night -- and their singing was actually good and helped to set the atmosphere right. just simple classic tunes, nothing cheesy..

And most importantly, what made the wedding so memorable was the love that came through and swept through the hall so obviously.. the way the couple gazed at each other, the way they kissed naturally without any discomfort and uneasiness, the very meaningful and sincere speeches that made so many tear at various points. And how so many people could provide testimonials to their deep bond and so obviously share their joy. This is one of those marriages which I'm sure would last a lifetime.. the respect and commitment for each other was so easily witnessed in the couple.. and I'm so happy for her, who is a very sweet girl indeed.

The wedding was also very well organized and planned. I was surprised when there were like about 8 ushers waiting for guests at the entrance of Capella when Kai dropped me off.. and a lady even walked me down the hall. Emcees were eloquent in both English and Mandarin -- again a very rare encounter. Guests were all well dressed, guys all came in suits, and many ladies in gowns or long dresses. I felt so under-dressed.. =( Overall, it was an unhurried affair and everyone actually looked happy on a sunday night.

Gosh this is like a dream wedding for many girls, but most of us can only be wistful, given the bomb it would cost to host it like this.

Just back from HK on Sat night.. too much to say, will blog another time. In a nutshell, it was a fantabulous trip and i wish i never came back.... =(

2010-11-28T23:26:00.003+08:00

Had a reasonably good weekend except for the huge-ass ulcer which took away all the fun from eating, my biggest pleasure =(

We had free gold class tickets so we went to watch harry potter on sat night. It was the first time we tried! The seat was too comfy for my own good... i fell asleep at a few points during the show, lol. love such reclining armchairs and i'm so gonna get one of these in my future home. they gave us blankets too and i reclined almost all the way down so it was more conducive for sleeping than anything else! having said that, i don't understand how anyone would pay $36 to catch a movie on a bed.

Learnt how to play poker today... had such a bad streak of luck that i only hit on one or two rounds =( but i didn't lose much cos i earned back like $30 in one of the rounds! think the boy is so looking forward to poker in macau.. speaking of which, it's 1 week to HONG KONG! my fav land of food and shopping -- before i ever set foot in europe that is, which i'm sure would become my fav someday. i need to plan the itinerary!

need to save lots of money.. lots and lots of money... for vacation, shopping, other stuff. but it's so hard to save up if you don't invest! looking forward to the year end bonus, although half of it will be gone to premiums and the other half possibly xmas shopping n stuff.... but well, better than nothing and i should be thankful that we're even getting =)

i'll prob not get monday blues tmr cos it's 5 more work days to vacation, and the work is a little teeny weeny lesser in the school hols. hot yoga tmr after work!!

nites!

2010-11-22T00:16:00.002+08:00

Attended jx and yanling's wedding last night.. it's always a joy to see friends settling down and i'm really happy for jx! It was also wonderful catching up with long lost friends from hall.. ppl like qx and derlyn, whom i dearly miss.

Another wedding in Dec, and many more next year to come. It reminds me that it's more important to choose the right one and be late, than to choose a wrong one now.

I think, when we face challenges and difficulties in life, the issue is never about the challenge itself, because that can be overcome. But what is the most disheartening, and renders me helpless and at a loss, is when a person is unwilling to see it as a difficulty to be worked on.

I've also realised that I'm not afraid of difficulties, at least not as much as I am of being unable to work on it. I'm willing to work on issues, be it in a team or as a pair, but the important thing is that the others want to work on it together as well. And that in itself has become the most challenging part of the task, as one hand can never clap alone.

And it feels almost like a dead end when you're fighting a lone battle. When you're the only advocate for making things better, for the life ahead. When each time you bring it up, defenses are built and fingers are pointed.

And so, I find myself letting go more and more. There's only so much I can do, and sometimes I don't even know what I can do. It's like convincing parents to send their children to special schools. If they're in denial or if they have their own beliefs, you can only present your point and leave it as that, as the decision lies with them at the end of the day.

So with that, I rest my case and end the night.

2010-11-13T21:39:00.002+08:00

quiet saturday home. family's more happening than me, and they're all out on their own. mummy went to resorts world to try her luck tonight. our schedules keep clashing nowadays - when i'm finally home on a weekend, she's out.

trying to breathe and take things slowly, one step at a time and think positive. friends are concerned after the last post, i'm really fine.

stayed home also to sort out some IT related stuff. been borrowing hard disks here and there in a feeble attempt to save and restore all my 3 yrs' worth of work stored in my dying office computer, and transferring them to my working macbook, so that i can finally do work in the office from ONE centralized location one day, instead of having to run from terminal to terminal finding files. the problem with using macbook is that not all hard disks are compatible, and i'm not sure how to reformat it.

all things IT-related just somehow screw up in my hands. tried to synchronize the ipad with my macbook too but even this simple task can't be done. ok *breatheeee*

been snapped at by the bf these past 2 days until i just walked off myself to shop at new look just now.. really not in the state to be exploded at or to explode at him. and then i had the worst case of diarrhoea ever. the pain was incredibly dreadful, and there was blood in the stools which got me worried.

anw, trying hard to focus on the good things in life:

- the ipad was found. it's a miracle. long story but we're just happy it's back.

- good food over the weekend.. steamboat, pasta and desserts

- shopping on tuesday, to get myself some make-up to conceal my ageing face

- had good l4d last night

- going to hk in 3 weeks' time.. still nowhere near planning the places to go.. still deciding whether to book tickets for the cirque du soleil show in macau.. any feedback? or should we go hk disneyland?

- nice piano piece i'm learning now..

- successful kite-flying and our kite went very very very high up into the sky. almost a dot but abit bigger than a dot.. maybe a peanut. shall aim for it to be smaller next time.

- finally time to put on a face mask tonight

- finally going to do something about my mob of hair tmr. i'm at my ugliest in 5 years, i swear.

ok.. life's good..... life's still good. as long as i don't think of monday so much. *breathe*

2010-11-11T23:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes life just gets u down when lousy stuff keeps happening.. and when i'm down i think of blogging to let it all out... catharsis.

i hate work. it's causing so much unhappiness and stress. but why do i not leave? i feel so stuck, along with others in the workplace. where else can i work? sometimes i hate myself for not having the guts to venture out, try something extreme or find out what's out there.

at the workplace, i don't even have a functioning laptop. it's soooo ridiculously slow, like 10 mins to open a page, and the IT guy diagnosed it SLOW but can't do anything about it and the company can't give me a new laptop. so now i have to use the laptop of someone on maternity. WTF! how do you expect productivity and pile targets and workload on me when i can't even be given a functional laptop?!

today while rushing off for bodycombat class, i forgot to bring some stuff home for my school visit in the morning tmr. which means i have to return to office to grab it early morning, and leave for tampines from there. ARGHH but i only have myself to blame. but i'm so tired of having to plan everyday, what to bring home, what to leave in office etc etc cos of the nature of my job which requires so much travelling.

and i hate some of my school staff.. thinking of them makes my blood boil with bubbles. they seriously think they're being serviced and have the right to take us for granted, not appreciative of all the efforts i've put in, or the kan jiong ones who call me, sms me, email me every now and then non-stop for stupid little things. i helped my school handle a potential parent complaint case and managed to appease the angry parent, but didn't get any words of appreciation from the school and instead, they seem upset at me that now they have to support the child of the parent?! when it's the JOB of the school to support their pupils??? and a school personnel who wrote an email to highlight that i cancelled a school visit with the school and queried how i can make it up to them, cc the P. WTH. i emailed a long email back, attached our past comms and cc back to the P, with good justification of WHY it was so difficult to go down to the school because the school also had such a hard time giving me a free date on their end. and another kan jiong spider school personnel who today "told" me to submit a psych report to them by 19 nov. i told her it's not possible for me to finish writing a full psych report at such last min notice and send it to the school by 19 nov, i'm like a human and not freaking work churning machine. u think i only write psych reports and don't have TONS of other work? what's more the case was never taken by me but i have to write it for my supervisor who's on maternity leave. i've never even met this child!

and then today kai lost his ipad. it's only been a week since he got it and we really loved it so much.

alot of anger and cynicism within me nowadays.

i feel myself being so upset everyday that i feel it's toxic and building up within me like cholesterol. i don't feel like talking to pple and i vent it out through things like eating, going for yoga, shopping online, blogging. i think my ugliest side is being brought out by work and all these stupid things that keep happening. i feel very short-tempered, angry at pple, snap easily nowadays, and i just feel so ugly as a person and so sick of myself. within these 2 days at work i've been so so so frustrated, with the computer and other stuff, that 3 people already asked me why i look so upset, and i didn't even realize that my emotions were showing up so much. i want to feel happy, excited about things, gracious and kind towards pple. but i'm so tired..

haven't found time to sort out basic little things like visiting the dentist for my throbbing toothache which had lasted for weeks, or go for a medical checkup to evaluate some issues bugging me.

and i really dun think i have the right support systems in my life right now.. and sometimes this makes me really upset and helpless too. what do you do when the support systems in your life are also the ISSUES giving you loads of frustration? you basically have nothing to turn to, or nothing constructive to turn to. i don't even like talking to friends about all these things cos no one really want to listen to all these?

yesss this blog post really sounds super negative and if it offends you in any way or makes you feel repulsed, you really don't have to read it. it's MY blog afterall and it's for me to vent my thoughts out so i really don't care what you think.

2010-10-30T22:48:00.002+08:00

november is here. it's end of year and christmas displays are up again.

so glad i'm going for a breather to hk in dec.

what would you do if you find out that you have a life-long illness? one that would impair your daily well-being and rob you of freedom, and just, health.

i'm not sure how i would react. i think i would be despondent and helpless. sadly enough, i think i wouldn't deserve happiness and i would want to break free from everyone and be alone. i wouldn't want to burden anyone with my illness and unhappiness.

having said that, i think i don't even dare to find out the truth. what courage it takes, to take a step forward to face a challenge that may last a lifetime to come.

we bought our first kite. but rather unsuccessfully tried flying it twice. it's always a wonder to see beautiful kites strung up high in the sky, a tiny dot, kilometres away, connected to ground by a long thin thread. how can something so far away be held on by a hand?

i've finally also tried yoga, and even body combat. it doesn't matter to me whether i'm good at them.. i'm merely happy that i finally got down to trying stuff i've always wanted to. life's too short for hesitations and procrastinations.

it was fun going for a scrapbooking workshop too. everything's provided there, with a proper workstation, and the end product's so pretty. and best of all there's no issue of cleaning up the messy aftermath.

how do people know whether they've met the one? it's a scary thing, to commit your whole life to someone, to a new lifestyle, culture, perspective and values. to have new people in your lives, to have existing ones gone. there are so many young couples divorcing nowadays. what changed their decisions about marriage? are vows so easily broken? especially in modern society, whereby laws are made so easy for a marriage to become obsolete. my colleague who is a few years older than me, with young kids, has lost all feelings for her husband, who cheated on her. another colleague who just got married last year, is apparently involved in something with another male colleague. what's happening? i'm pretty sure people meant their vows and were deeply in love at the point of marriage, otherwise it would be a really sick world.

will such things ever happen to me? will i ever know when i'm ready for someone? it's scary, and my elders are bugging me. i think i'll be ready when i know i want to walk life's journey with someone, through thick and thin, knowing that the road ahead can't always be smooth, but that i would still go through it with him and honor my vows. and when i am sure the person feels the same way too.

there are so many things i still want to do.. i want to fly, to dive, see the world, walk in the snow. i want to go to a carnival, laugh when things go wrong. i want to love a dog to bits, or own a little ball of bunny. i want to paint a portrait, or an oil painting, take photos of the world, make ice cream and brownies and cupcakes with buttercream. i want to put my heart, fully, into something i'm passionate about.

*****

2010-10-12T23:42:00.002+08:00

feeling at one of my lowest points.

at the brink of giving up everything in my life.

2010-10-10T17:29:00.003+08:00

taking a short break from writing a paper... no idea how to proceed with the paper.. it's a paper to update the minister and other ministerial members.. arghh how to write?? I've to attend an exco meeting with them in 2 weeks' time and i'm really stressed out now.. the amount of work in preparation for it is draining me.

supposed to catch voyage de la vie at RWS tonight but really kinda no mood now. the extent to which work stress kills your personal life and emotions.

it's true how it's being said that true love is not when u're both happy together during good times, but when u're still happy during the crunch.

read an article about how providing emotional support for your other half is really impt. all of us know that... but, the crux lies in how and what type of support we provide. the most effective support apparently is providing encouragement and showing confidence in your partner, the most detrimental is providing information and advice. and i'd like to say that this is so true in my own life. when many a time all we just want is to whine to the other person, have a listening ear and empathy, get a hug and receive some positive words, rather than someone telling us what to do/what we shouldn't have done.

on friday, a culmination of stress factors coupled with a nasty incident of me being thrashed and taking the blame for my research executives just broke me down damn badly. i went to hid myself in the office toilet and just burst out crying. for a good half hour i stayed there, feeling miserable and lousy, feeling like no one understands and wondered why i'm always stuck in such positions.

it's partly my fault and yet partly not. it's a mistake made by people i'm leading, but yet since i'm leading the piece of work i'm answerable to everything and i should have checked and made sure of everything. but i thought i could have confidence in them. how do i empower them such that i can have full confidence in the work they submit and not need to mother their work so thoroughly? so as their leader i have to shield them and take the blame and make answer to bosses. but yet my own leader will not shield me from it, and i have to bear everything alone.

feeling so damn jaded and tired. it's not just the sheer amount of work but also the sheer complexity and challenge in the work i'm doing. i've no idea how to proceed with many many pieces of work, especially those related to policy decisions and making recommendations to senior management and ministerial committee. yet i just have to force myself to do it with very little guidance and support from my superior.

it's really like throwing me in the deep blue ocean and asking me to float.

2010-10-07T22:37:00.002+08:00

just one of those weeks that's crazily busy and i feel like i.can't.breathe.

signed up to be a coach of a therapy for adhd kids. intervention has been something that i wanna try my hands on, so it's a great opportunity for me. and it's been fun! but the workload is crazy =( and what with all the major policy decisions and exco papers and meetings i've to go for concurrently, no joke.

yesterday i experienced firsthand how hierarchical my organization is. the perfect example of prata and her high and mighty ways.

was in one of those big meetings with external professionals at our workplace. my bosses and unfortunately, prata, were all present. we catered some light snacks and finger food, which were on big plates placed in the middle of the conference table.

so halfway through the meeting, prata (who was 2 seats away from me) suddenly signalled the small individual styrofoam plates to me, indicating me to fill up each plate with the finger food. so i thought ok, just fill up the plates and pass down to everyone. but to my dismay, she signalled me to serve each small plate to each of the external people at the meeting, complete with fork and spoon. so there i was, halfway through a serious discussion (and still trying to follow the points), holding small plates of food and walking round the huge conference table to serve each plate to each person, like a french maid! i was only missing a white apron and cap, seriously. maybe i should carry the pot of tea and go, "m'am, would you like some tea?"

now which one of you out there, gotta do this in your job?! is your workplace culture really so hierarchical, such that bosses and subordinates are so clearly delineated? over here, we do feel like it's terribly hierarchical, such that we can never feel close to our bosses, and in fact many of us feel like work machines rather than humans with our rights and feelings.

it's such an oppressive environment. you're always watching out for your bosses, being conscious of whether they are watching ur every move, because u just feel so much like their henchman, and u're so afraid of making a wrong step.

thankful i have colleagues to vent all these to, and to know that they fully understand.

feel totally stuffed and unhealthy right now... need to detox! been eating very rich food like everyday, every meal. had a good fat wagyu steak yesterday (thanks dear for cheering me up!), with fried mushrooms, then had a thai meal of shrimp paste rice, green curry, fried chicken wings for lunch with my sinful colleagues, and had my fav ippudo ramen for dinner again!

gawddd. ippudo ramen is how good, really. the soup is thick and rich, with a thin layer of oil, and with freshly crushed garlic added, i can't describe the richness of the soup. gosh!!

but i feel so sinful and feel such a need to detoxify!

going for some l4d with my l4d-virgin colleagues tmr evening.. looking forward to kill some zombies (and pretend they're prata).. hahah!

star virgo!

2010-10-04T21:39:00.005+08:00

i have so little time nowadays, been going out everyday =(

leaving so much of my life hanging, even simple chores like buying/refilling daily necessities such as shampoos and pads, putting face mask, opening the mails i receive each day, uploading photos, unpacking my holiday bags, opening my birthday presents, are all left on the shelf!! what a terrible procrastinator right??

anyway, i really want to blog about my star cruise trip! it's so refreshing to go on a cruise after like a 10+ years hiatus. i love everything about a cruise.. being out in the ocean, the nice pool and jacuzzi facilities, romantic restaurants, sea breeze on the deck, bars and lounges at night... i like!

once we boarded the ship, me and my mum went to the top deck and spent like 30 mins snapping away..

pardon my dark n low quality photos.. they were taken on my iphone! no time to upload my camera photos yet.

everything on a cruise is posh.. even the library! it's totally english style and carpeted.. u just feel like grabbing a nice read and snuggle up on the cosy armchairs by the window overlooking the ocean.

love the sunset views you get out in the middle of nowhere. orange, pink and blue hues, with wind whipping through ur hair.

and of course the balcony room! cosy little balcony with a glass railing.. allows you to have an infinite view of the ocean. u just feel so so calm and peaceful out here, feeling so small in the wide vast world. even though the ship is so giganormous (13 storeys!), it's a little speck of dust against the ocean.

i actually think our bedroom is very cosy though it's small.. but the beds are comfy and room is fully carpeted and clean.. most impt! there's also a small two seater couch by the bed for a good read or tv.. and it can be turned into a big sofa bed for extra space.

we dropped at redang on day 2! my favourite little malaysian island. was sooo looking forward to the snorkelling and sun and sand. mummy still wasn't very comfortable with the snorkelling gear... but i've mastered the art of snorkelling by now! went swimming round and round on my own, until i became black like a fatimah. sigh. now it'll take me months to get rid of my ugly tan. the beach is still nice and clean with white sand, and the water is blue and inviting as ever.

we washed up quickly and changed into fresh clothes... and spent some time taking photos (again!) on the island until the ferry came.

i really like dining at the western restaurant at night... it's so so grand and romantic. so grand it even has dresscode. it feels like a big ballroom. even has a grand piano in the middle of the huge room. and the food was so good! it's almost like what you'd expect to be served in a restaurant.. the best part is... order as MUCH as you LIKE! wooots for pple like me. i ordered two sets (starter, main, desserts!) and gobbled everything up.

the jacuzzi was so relaxing.. there was like 4 jacuzzis around the swimming pool. my mum and i went to the indoor exercise pool first.. then we went out to the jacuzzi which has warm steamy water (shiok)... and finally i went to the swimming pool and swam several laps. felt really healthy for once.. truly satisfied. i brought gym stuff along but didn't get to use the gym.. too little time to spare. next time i'll make sure i use the gym! then go swim when i'm all sweaty!

hokay that's it for my cruise trip! really sound like a suaku here but i really like to go on a cruise! been on a cruise 4 times already but still somehow like it. guess it's refreshing to go once in awhile...

off to catch up on xinmsn!

2010-09-27T23:00:00.002+08:00

an emo day in unison with the rainy dull weather.

ever so often, when u just feel like you're most blissful and happy, that u're willing to give everything, u get thrown off and reality crashes down on you. just what makes you think you've everything and you're good?

have i only been happy this while, just because i make myself bear with everything and anything and just try to be understanding about everything that comes at me?

maybe i'm still just not contented with what i have afterall :(

why should promises be kept? once in a blue moon i meet a 10, 11 yr old who can give me the perfect score answer. if kids can have such profound understanding of human relationships, why can't adults? is it because kids live in a very simple and innocent world, and such a concept is actually very simple but has been made complicated by adults?

today is just such an emo day. it's not a bad day or unlucky day. i mean, traffic jams, late lunches, missed buses, slow computers, drenched shoes, late office evenings, they happen ever so often but life goes on. i'm thankful nothing majorly bad happened.

just now my iphone screwed up for half an hr too and gave me a small panic attack, but even that wasn't so bad cos it recovered. i'm also having a bad throbbing wisdom toothache which is killing me softly. but this won't be so bad too cos i'm planning to see a dentist to get it plucked out (which is scary for me) maybe next week, and i know the pain will stop.

but the pain in my heart, the feeling of not knowing what, not knowing how, and not knowing what may come, is the one that sucks my life out.

Updates!

2010-09-21T21:54:00.003+08:00

it's been lightyears since i last blogged! can't rem the last time...

it must be before all my short trips, before my string of illnesses and falling sick crap....

updates: i've been to malacca and back, and been to krabi and back!!

malacca was really really quaint... love the shophouses, street food, peranakan restaurants and antique houses!

but that was where i fell sick, unfortunately. i think the 35 degree sun melted me in the heat.. and i caught a fever and cold the second day there. thank god kai drove and we could sit in comfort in the car.. can't imagine getting up and down a coach! it's a first trip with him tog and my family =)

i was sick sick sick for 5 days in a row! was on 4-day MC once i was back from the trip. High fever and terrible terrible cough which didn't subside... and until now i'm still having the cough! my cough has actually persisted since June... and my 2 doctors suspected TB! wrote me a referral letter to get a chest x-ray done, which i haven't gone yet.

I've so much phlegm in my system now that i think they have all coagulated and formed a huge colony and stuck itself to my bronchus (how to spell?!) and lungs, i haven't been able to spit anything out, but i can feel it there all the time like a lump. my throat will suddenly go into spasms of itchiness and i'll cough like NON-STOP and can't stop the itch. causes me much embarrassment when i'm in the company of pple, or worse still in meetings. i dunno what's wrong but i hate it!

lucky i was feeling better in krabi or i'll be sick for the second time there again. still had the cough but was already thankful for no fever. as usual we loved the food, especially cheap local eats! and our lovely scooter which brought us out so conveniently. not to mention our beloved all time fav resort and pool access room! the 4 days was really pure getaway escapade to relax and nuaaa.

going to take cruise with mummy this fri.. will stopover at redang for snorkelling and some beach! looking forward to some time alone on the ship... reading books on the balcony overlooking the ocean, going for jacuzzi or a swim, even exercising in the gym, etc etc.

may be planning another trip to malacca with my colleagues again

life's good =)

2010-08-19T18:56:00.005+08:00

had a very good escapade at MBS with the moos last weekend.... seriously in love with the sky pool! wonderful views... i dun even mind the crowd and the cold water. but of course, the company's always the most impt factor, it was great catching up with the peeps and playing nonsense games like "say anything", which full-of-nonsense lisi is so good at!

i'm going to krabi again in sept! i know i'm crazy to go back within 3 months... but we seriously miss the fantango room we had, esp its pool access where we could jump straight into the pool from our room. just really need all the peace and serenity (and thai food) we could get over there...

blue skies and water....

been coughing like NON-STOP for 2 months now and i developed another throat infection again. i coughed until i got stitches now =( so i went to the docs this morning and took mc. doctor says prolonged cough can be TB!! had a good rest at home, but dunno how i'm gonna face the piling work back in office! contemplating whether i shld rest tmr too. will i be able to finish my work??!

went snooping around facebook today, and within 15 min it kinda dawned on me that so so many people around me are either engaged or married!! it made me a lil' scared and the inevitable question bugged me again: will i be left on the shelf?? esp with my 26th just round the corner... the thought is too scary to bear. so i shall squeeze it outta my mind for now.

i'm not looking forward to the day =(

2010-08-10T22:29:00.002+08:00

after much thought over the long weekend.. i've decided to change the way my life is.

there are certain things i used to be very hung up about. i have an idealistic picture of the way things should be, and how my weekends should look. but i wasn't happy because somehow these ideals and expectations were not met. and it probably didn't make the people around me happy.

i've decided that things would not be the same anymore, and the change starts within myself.

so from now on, i'm gonna find back my own life. i'm gonna learn how to let go, not be too dependent on any one person, and my expectations are gonna start low. with lesser hopes and expectations, come lesser disappointments and friction.

i'll no longer keep my weekends free for anyone.. i'll open them up and do whatever i need to, go out with anyone i want to, have more friends and family time, no more priorities =) i realise that keeping priorities make one feel very tired after awhile, because you'd expect similar reciprocations in return. it shouldn't be this way anymore.

i've decided to learn driving, go for lessons that i've always wanted to, such as yoga, photography, painting, third lang, etc. i'm dead serious this time.. no more procrastinating, i'll just do what i want this time.

in fact, i think i've already planned stuff for every single of my weekends starting from the coming one to 18 sept, either partially or fully, just over these 2 days. and i haven't signed up for any courses yet! and i actually feel happy and relieved most of all. i feel like i have a new lease of life, not tying myself down, not expecting much from anyone, and most importantly, not tying anyone else down.

looking forward to a few short trips over the next couple of weeks. =) quite excited about this change in my life and i hope it'll really make a difference for the better.

irreparable damages

2010-08-04T23:59:00.004+08:00

as midnight loomed over me like a dark blanket and finally came and went, what was it that i felt? a huge, deep sense of loss, despair, helplessness, but perhaps also, a little wave of relief and closure.

finally i won't worry about the prices and fluctuations anymore, i won't have to be the ONE who worry about such things, glue my eyes to the screen to monitor a few times a day and be the only one who cares or plans at all.

so now that it has passed, i can let the whole idea off my shoulder, and let it go to rest.

i have come to believe in irreparable damages. and i know, this will become another scar to add to history, another event that caused huge despair, at least to me. one which i'd want to forget but perhaps can never will.

but at least, i know i can't do anything about it anymore. and it's ok. it's better than going without peace and possibly regretting.

i'll save those days for better times then.

sad beyond words. indescribable misery and despair. silent screams.

if only anyone could understand, anyone at all.

2010-08-03T22:03:00.002+08:00

when all else fails, i feel like i need a miracle, now.

i'm lost, i can't find my way, i'm not sure where to find my light.

so many uncertainties about so many things. so much to look forward to, yet all vanished now.

i make a lil' prayer, please guide me through the night, keep me safe and comforted, please help me find my path.

now i just need to last through this night, and many dark dark nights after.

but this night first. tomorrow will be a better day.

2010-08-03T20:59:00.002+08:00

just went through the worst tuesday ever.

i felt like i had a whole heart full of pain and unspeakable misery, bursting forth, a fountain of toxic and poison inside..

irreparable damages, hurtful words, which can never be retrieved. grudges and resentment that can never be removed from the heart.

it's supposed to be joyous time. supposed to be full of plans and excitement. my leave, for the first time in my history in the branch, has been approved within one day. but now i have to think of cancelling it. it's like a mock.

maybe i should start with zero expectations, zero hopes and faith. i'd never be happy that way, but i can never be too hurt either.

maybe i just don't deserve anything, by just being who i am.

2010-08-02T23:17:00.002+08:00

it's the last monday night before a free tuesday and i'm spending it waiting.... waiting....

so nostalgic that we'll have no more such tuesdays to help us tide through the long long week.

last weekend we had a farewell for 2 of our fellow colleagues... it left everyone sad and depressed.. this batch has built a strong bond and it's not easy to let go 2 of us and break up part of the family.

ironic that the day before the farewell, we celebrated the arrival of michy's baby girl.

an arrival, a departure.

planning to go krabi again in sept hols... crazy right? i haven't even found time to blog about the last trip, and i'm making plans to go again.

i just wish prata would approve my leave before the ticket prices go up again. all the bureaucratic red tape.

last weekend we went to jb to play paintball and go kart. paintball was no fun at all but go kart was quite fun. the engine vibrated abit too much for my liking... it's really similar to the luge at sentosa just that the track is much longer and more curves and slopes.... can be scary for a first timer cum non driver.

i wish everything will go right.

2010-07-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

right now i feel like puking. dunno why. each time i get my period i'd feel like puking and having diarrhoea. my whole system just feels damn screwed and bloated.

reading blogs of people with fairy tale lives just makes me a tad more miserable than i already am, and makes me feel like i have nothing.

i dunno whether these pple just manage to paint the good side of their lives so well, or they really have impeccable lives to die for. i do personally know of one or two girls with everything -- brains, beauty, figure, fashion sense, character, money, great family, and a doting cute hubby/bf and big rocks to top it off.

now who says God is fair?

anyway, third week into my iphone life, and i'm gonna declare: I'm in LOVE with my iphone!!

when i first got it, i really really liked it. but after 2 weeks of really using it and knowing all its beauty, i'm falling in love.

today i learnt a lesson.

i was unsatisfied with my iphone screen protector because the person who stuck it for me created bubbles under it. but i really liked it because it's glossy and i hate the anti-glare type. so i decided to pay some shop $5 for another glossy screen protector and got the guy to stick it for me. and it turns out to be even uglier cos it's half glossy half anti-glare! hence, even though the new one doesn't have bubbles underneath, i still prefer my old one though it's flawed. =(

taught me a lesson to be satisfied with what i have. but can i?

i realised that online shopping is something i can't kick. that's because it's fast becoming a painkiller and stress reliever. i need it as if it's some kind of fast acting drug, for the effects it gives not for the products i get. when i receive my goods i just chuck them aside. am i sick or something?

life's becoming so horribly mundane. sure, going out and having company is still fun and all, but even that is becoming boring in itself. i still enjoy the little things in my life and the stuff i like to do.... but i find no bigger purpose in life, no plans, no direction and future. it's like when we were studying, there's something "bigger" to look forward to and anticipate life after graduation. it's almost as if anything can happen. but now that i've been "here" for a couple of years, i feel like there's nothing else anymore. i try to look into the future and can't see myself there. i just don't look forward to anything. and the feeling is scary.

it's like tomorrow is tuesday... i'm gonna have a meeting followed by school visit after that. then comes wed, and i'm gonna have another school visit, then thursday i'm gonna make a stupid presentation again, have meeting again, then friday, office day... after work got farewell party...then the weekend repeats itself again.. then monday, monday blues... tuesday.. work..

life is so boring. gawd.

2010-07-18T22:53:00.002+08:00

this is the weekend after work review and it feels damn good knowing it's over and behind me... i survived it! didn't go too badly afterall. but as gruelling and torturous as usual.. a good 2.5 hrs.

i downloaded so many iphone apps over the last 2 days. spent much of my waking time playing games.. one after another. so fun! super addicted and hooked. i'm so dead. i'm not gonna survive without playing games in the office. how to last through the day??!

the phone batt dies so fast. less than 24hr cos i kept using it. sigh... gotta charge everyday, that's the only hassle. only 1 week with my phone and it already went flat twice when i was out, and twice i couldn't bring my phone out cos it's charging halfway thru.

but i heart my phone... so much! should have gotten it longgg ago, at whatever price.

finally finally.... i went to the salon to get a haircut. believe it or not, my last haircut dates back 1 yr! the ends are so frayed and gross.... i finally got everything chopped off and even rebonded my hair. one shot spent the whole afternoon in the salon, armed with my iphone of cos. cut about 3 inches and my head feels damn light now.

my hacking cough will never go away... became worse yesterday after drinking a super cold honey green tea. i hate the cough feeling. my throat is perpetually itchy. each time i breathe even, my throat will be tickled. it's those dry cough type and i cough until my lungs wanna drop out, and i feel so irritated by my own cough sounds.

tmr is monday but somehow it doesn't feel that blue.... i badly need to go somewhere for a vacation or staycation though... really really really...

sometimes it feels like we are from different worlds, isn't it?

what's with men and egocentrism??

2010-07-13T22:49:00.004+08:00

men and egocentrism go hand in hand, across the millenniums and over generations.

seriously, when will men ever evolve to think more about others and less about themselves?? they place their own needs and everything about themselves in the centre of their world, such that they expect all others around them to be looking thru world's lens with their eyes too.

i'm just so so saddened by what my mum told me today. it's about my brother again, and i just feel this deep sense of helplessness and rage. i feel so sad for my mum, having to shoulder all these issues and taking the blame.

apparently my brother is complaining (again) that he lacks freedom and space to do what he wants at home. he cited the example of me bathing when he needs to use the toilet, and that noise levels at home are high and he can't rest. i find it so ridiculous that i find myself at the brink of fury.

u mean now i'm not supposed to bathe when HE's at home because he may need to use the toilet anytime??? since when don't families wait for one another, or go to the other toilet when one is in use?? i swear i've never hogged the toilet before, and the max i take to bathe is 20mins. does he mean i've never waited for him to finish using the toilet?? he takes half an hour to shit, and i still have to bear with the smell after that for god's sake. have i ever complained about such a stupid detail?

noise levels. *breathes* I'M the one supposed to have issues with HIS noise levels, cos who the hell plays drums in the middle of the night at 2am, and I'M the one who bloody wakes up at 7am each morning, while he sleeps till late morning?? so what kind of noise level is he talking about? i'm seldom even home to make any noise to begin with. the loudest sound i make is probably typing on my keyboard furiously now??

his complaints before this were, for one, he accused me of not locking our main door and thus compromising the safety of his belongings. to which i've denied because i'm someone who won't forget such a thing. it was later found to be my parents and we've all tried to be more cautious after that since it's for the safety of everyone.

second, he claims that we take away his freedom at home by bringing guests home. to which we've IMMEDIATELY rectified by not bringing anymore guests home from last year on.

Oh, then he also complains when my house phone rings, because from HIS perspective, what's the point of people calling our house phone when we all have handphones? Again, we're all disturbing the majesty's rest at home by having the house phone ring.

then when i bought a cheapo dvd player home for my mum, he was upset and claims that it'll scratch his "genuine" dvds. and he was apparently so upset that my mum doesn't dare to use it at all. so now it's just sitting there.

my mum even offered to let him have the master bedroom so that he can have his own toilet.

seriously, why must the whole family make sacrifices and compromises just to please him?? and one complaint is just followed by another complaint from him. he made the whole family so upset by making these unreasonable accusations and demands.

and throughout all these, has there been any self-reflection on his part?? of how he could also have disrupted our functioning at home in some way, but we all try to tolerate with him too? it's ALL about HIM, HIM and HIM.

I can't take it anymore....

he's not the only male i know of who's so egocentric and inconsiderate. there's many many many out there. of course i'm not saying all men are like this. but at least, alot of the men whom i've met in my life are, and i hate it! they make my life super miserable.

anyway, i'd be glad if he moves out. he's one person whom i won't ever need to see again. i'm only worried about my parents especially my mum, as i know she'll be devastated and lonely.

i'm sad whenever i think about how he has never played a brotherly role in my life, and i've never known brotherly love before. he has made my life miserable from young by being such a negative and anti-social element in the family. several things he did made me feel inadequate during my growing up years and it took a long while before i walked out of his shadow and found myself. he has never played a son's role to my parents as well and i feel so sad for them.

i know i definitely don't need him in my life, but i'm just so saddened by everything and all the unhappiness caused.

2010-07-11T23:33:00.001+08:00

got my long-awaited iphone yesterday and i'm happieee cos it's so nice to use and the interface is great! it's such a nice departure from my lousy samsung... which is slow and hangy all the time and can only store 100 sms! gawd. i spend half the time waiting for applications to open and deleting smses. i have such impatience that fast things are good for me. those days are over!

anw before i got the phone i was in such a dilemma whether i should get 3GS or wait for 4G.. but after hearing so many bad reviews and being so tired of waiting, i decided to just go for the 3GS first... prolly wait till 4G is more settled in then see how..

to think of it i'm actually quite an apple geek... i have an ipod nano, macbook, sold an itouch and now i have an iphone too! i need an ipad to complete the family but i seriously dunno what's the use of an ipad. anyway, even though i own all these stuff i gotta admit that i'm still an apple idiot and prolly dunno how to use half the functions. i'm still very lost with regards to itunes and iphoto etc!

just signed up for 2 citibank cards today.. and received them on the same day! abit impulsive and think my bills are gonna go up so i gotta step up my monitoring of my expenditure and bills... which i totally suck at.

i'm not looking forward to the longest hellish week whereby i'll prolly OT everyday and worst of the very all, i'm going to meet PRATA and spend a torturous 3 hours of work review with her. just kill me now..

i'm so sianz just thinking of work nowadays i think it's gonna become a phobia pretty soon. i think it'll soon reach a state whereby merely the sight of my work clothes or work bag will give me stomach upsets and nausea. they just added 3 more schools to my load and i seriously wanna tell them, i'm not just up to my neck, i'm up to my head already.

gonna watch WC finals tonight.... will turn up a zombie at work tomorrow but dun care la... i'll promise myself i won't OT too long tmr!

2010-07-08T00:03:00.004+08:00

utterly exasperated, frustrated and extremely angry with someone right now. i wish i could strangle someone. anyone!

i think i've lived and learnt long enough to know that some things can NEVER change.

no matter how u yell, talk, force, negotiate, demand, scream, cry, cajole, threaten, whatever, you can never make somebody who he is not.

some wood blocks will always remain wood blocks and will never know what is wrong.

note to self: it's just really high time to let go and move the hell on.

2010-06-29T22:00:00.004+08:00

last week was a bad streak for me and i got pple around me worried.

then i felt much better after a 2 day branch retreat at changi sports club, which surprisingly, was much more fun than expected as it was initially dreaded and cursed at. i learnt so much about myself and my colleagues, and learnt so much in general. it's amazing, this training company and its facilitators, who were really fun-loving n superb at what they do.

we all did a personality test, which i had already done at least 10 years ago and my profile is still the same. but i only fully tried to understand the results of my personality test now. it's amazing how it explains all my little quirks. i'm so high on the feeling-meter that i think my heart can explode anytime. which explains why i'm such a sensitive person, not just within myself but i'm also so sensitive to the feelings of everyone around me and in any situation. i also love to communicate about feelings and i prefer to talk things out to resolve issues about both my own and my closed ones' feelings.

anyway, this lil' activity has gotten me and my colleagues to label one another by our personality profiles, and we gossip about our bosses' profiles and how we'll never become bosses since our profiles are not similar. bosses usually are super high on thinking instead of feeling, which also explains how they can be so inhuman at times. urgh. and it's interesting how my 2 closest colleagues at work got the exact same profile as me. gosh! anyway, my biggest take-away from this is that all of us are different, so we should celebrate differences and embrace ways to overcome our differences =)

i realised i super love to play, no matter what it is. we spent the first day playing board games, which the facilitators tweaked to become a super exciting n competitive thingy, and i super love board games, and we spent the second day playing outdoorsy stuff, which i super love too! amazingly i really liked the second day doing all those kind of activities i think we all used to play at orientation or uni hall days. love working in a group to brainstorm solutions n play stupid things. we spent the afternoon building a water raft made of just barrels, pipes and ropes, and then we launched and sailed on our own rafts and went out to sea!! now that was super super fun and my only complaint was it was too short! i love the sea...

michelle is like going into labour anytime soon and i'm gonna miss her so much.... it's gonna be so different without her around. when she's back in april next yr, i'm not so sure i'll even be around anymore. at the same time i'm really happy for her and so excited to see the baby! the lil' one who has been kicking me whenever i touch the mummy's tummy. i'm around mich so much that i think the baby can recognise my voice too!

my cousin's preggy with twins. gosh i'm super excited too. new additions to the family and i already can't count how many nieces and nephews i have anymore... everyone around me's popping like crazy and i'm getting scared!!

i'm going to remove my peel-off mask now... my complexion is in such a bad shape right now it's frightful to look in the mirror. i was looking at my krabi pictures (which I'll be uploading soon, promise) yesterday and noticed that my complexion was so clear then. i wonder if it's because i was taking vitamin c tabs daily and drinking orange juice every meal when i was there! i'm so going on a vit c diet pretty soon to test it out...... wish me luck!

i pray my cough can finally, finally go away.

will things really change for the better? or will everything fall back into its comfort zone and issues fade into the background again?

2010-06-23T03:05:00.003+08:00

i can't get to sleep... been tossing and turning over the past few hours and it's so torturous.

what an irony that i started the day with the first thought in my mind that gawd i feel so tired i'm coming straight home after work to sleep off my sleepiness. even missed watching toy story 3 with colleagues to knock off at 6 plus despite them swearing at me and threatening my life.

but only to end the day not being able to sleep at 3am still?!

dunno how long more before sleep finally beckons me....

i'm so not gonna last the day in the office tomorrow. gawwwwd.......

2010-06-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

what do you do when the things u believe in and hold dear to start to seep away from you?

what happens when someone has so many prerogatives, and you're not even allowed to not accept them?

what should you do when someone close to you so obviously does not respect your views and values in life, just because they're not important to him and he does not see your point?

maybe i'm unsure all along but just try so hard to be sure. maybe i'm trying too hard to be someone who's not me and accept things i won't be able to accept.

all i know is that when there are differences, in values, ideals, expectations or whatever, the only thing to do is to communicate and to work things through together. i will and i want to compromise and find common ground to satisfy both parties, if you will. but if you won't, i wouldn't want to be the one to accept and tolerate everything which i can't.

i won't ever want anyone to put down my perspective just because it's not the same as someone who doesn't feel that my perspective is important in life. i won't ever want anyone to impose his prerogatives and his views on me without trying to find middle ground.

i'm utterly exhausted and utterly disappointed.

if we can't make it work after so long and hard

maybe what we can do is live the rest of our life

but not together.

2010-06-20T18:34:00.003+08:00

finally home this entire week, hoping to catch my family for father's day dinner, only to find that no one's at home and my dad just went out for a concert.

so i'm home alone on a sunday evening, facing the worst sunday blues ever after a two week respite from work. i'm just feeling so down down down at the prospect of going back to the office tmr. so i've decided to blog. i can't face up to the heap of work.

this whole week, everyday was spent with the boy. went to jb twice for so much food and shopping, played l4d, lotsa sally's spa and feeding frenzy, dinner at al forno's, movies, world cup, pedicure, ikea meatballs, sex and the city serial, and random stuff here and there. i still have not had my desserts at obolo, or my durian buffet at goodwood park.

on the last day of my leave, i.e. friday which just passed, i made a major decision to register for driving. i was sooo happy and relieved that i've finally decided on the place to learn (ubi) and the mode of learning (school). so even though i was scared, i was all for it. until just before registering, i asked him the question, "should i go for manual or auto?" and came the immediate non-hesitant reply of "of course auto!". and the reason given was because no one drives manual anymore. which is true, but when i threw back the question at him, he said he would learn manual if it's him. and he thinks i wouldn't pass anytime soon.

so what is it about men and their driving and women and their non driving?? why is it that women are doomed to fail even before they even register for it? all my life people are telling me i'm gonna fail my driving. i can't deny that laziness was a part of the equation, but it did take me some courage and determination to want to learn as well, and i just wanna learn it so i can bring my mum to places. and it just disheartened me so much that even he doesn't believe in me.. true, i don't deny that i may possibly suck at it and i may even take 7 times to pass or something, but i haven't even tried and people are putting me down? i don't even get the chance? how sad. by saying that i wanna learn manual, i'm NOT saying that i'm good at driving at all! i just want to learn something which can enable me to drive both manual and auto and i hate taking the easy way out in life. i felt so misunderstood by him.

and so, i didn't register for it in the end. this must be the biggest procrastination of my life. i'm just so sick and tired of the procrastination that i feel like procrastinating it even further and pushing it to the furthest end of my brain. i don't wanna think about it for the time being.

i think, men can go ahead and think that their driving skills are so superior, but the fact remains that men are the most reckless drivers around because they're so bloody complacent and arrogant about their driving and they have cost so many lives because of that.

sigh i'm really in one of my foul moods and i dun even feel like blogging about krabi anymore.

my thoughts about relationships are inspired by carrie bradshaw recently. so along her line of thought... what do you do when you're with someone who can't disappoint anyone else but you?

2010-06-14T18:29:00.004+08:00

so we'd been to krabi and came back last friday.

the weather was nothing like what the forecast predicted. no thunderstorms, no rain! perfect weather almost all the time, sunny skies and blue clouds. it'd be hard to tell it's monsoon season if not for the strong waves and murky water.

so the weather part was good, except that i couldn't enjoy the fine weather at all. i can only say that though the trip was a good getaway, it could have been so much better and i didn't get my money's worth.

and that's only cos i was so ill throughout the trip, cos everything else was so perfect. still can't quite believe the whole ordeal i went through over there.. it feels really surreal to think about it.

i was sick the week before travelling, but was getting better by the weekend before leaving and was still eagerly drinking lotsa water and herbal teas. by monday night just before flying, i had suddenly developed a nasty flu and felt so groggy by the time we reached the airport at 5am. when we reached there, i know that i was on the road to illness and no return.

we slept the first day over there and by night time, i was running high fever, shivering under the sheets, with severe flu and phlegmy cough. as i'm allergic to paracetamol, kai took a bike ride with the hotel staff to pharmacy to get me some painkillers in other types. i took ibuprofen and suffered a nightmare of drug allergy!!!

within one or two hours my eyes developed the "mosquito bites" bumps all over, but before long, the bumps became bigger, and bigger, and redder and redder, until they all combined and grew a life of their own. within an hour i had goggles for eyes and i looked like a monster, living monster!!! i could hardly open my eyes cos they're so painfully swollen and could hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror. i seriously couldn't recognize myself and there goes photo-taking for the next two days. the swelling took 2 days to disappear fully.

can u imagine suffering a scary drug allergy on the first day of your vacation on a foreign land? i was scared shitless. i never had an allergy so bad before and i didn't know what to do. and this is on top of feeling like shit already from the massive fever and associated headache and body pains and terrible non stop flu and cough. i had so much phlegm in me i was drinking phlegm each time i swallow. i was so cold in the air con room. the next morning i had to go find a doctor in krabi town, 40mins car ride away. the doc couldn't give me this and that due to all my allergies, so there was nothing for my pain and he could only give me some herb pills and vitamin c tabs!

over the next few days of the trip i couldn't taste or smell any of the thai food we had. i couldn't eat all the curries i was craving for and went on this trip for. i had to blow my nose non-stop. couldn't be out for too long or i'd feel drowsy and groggy. must rem to take my medication 3 times a day. super sianz.

even now, 4 days after the trip, i'm still having the flu and cough. my phlegm is just neverending. on the plane back i actually blew out a whole bag of phlegm through my nose.

but despite these setbacks i still enjoyed myself. the resort was fantastic... too bad i couldn't enjoy pool access thoroughly but kai did i suppose. the bed was so shiok to be in... i even loved the bathroom. renting a bike was also fun as we could travel out anytime we wanted. the worst i felt is towards kai as i feel like he couldn't enjoy himself fully because of me. but i'm so thankful that he was there for me and didn't desert me there when i was dying!

in fact we loved the resort and the place so much we're thinking of going back there again..

pictures post next up..

2010-06-03T16:15:00.005+08:00

i feel worse today than i felt yesterday... slept throughout the day and feel so numb and groggy.

went to see the doc again to get more medication, mc and to tell him about my (possible) drug allergy. he's referring me to go for further testing at national skin centre. but it's very likely that i'm allergic to paracetamol, or panadol. and it can be lethal. i can't believe it... i can't take panadol for life??!?! how am i gonna survive through my years of period pain??!

it just seems that one thing bad is happening after another...

really feel so sad now. it seems as if everything's happening to prevent me from having a good trip.

firstly, we can't go to bangkok and hua hin cos of the stupid strikes, and i've looked forward to this for such a long time!!

secondly, we booked krabi as a last resort, in a rush, and realised that it's monsoon season there. what's the point of going to a nice beach place when it's thunderstorm everyday?!

thirdly, i'm now sick and my throat is hurting so much it's at the brink of erupting into ulcers like 10 years ago.. that will take weeks to heal if it does! the doc said my throat infection is worse than on tues. that's after downing so much water and lozenges! i doubt i'll recover in time for the trip... i don't wanna go there with a bad throat and won't enjoy myself..

then, i also found out yesterday that the air tickets price dropped by like half of what we paid. it's now 200+, instead of the exorbitant 400+ that we paid. to go krabi?! we paid 400+ for air tickets alone??

i'm damn sianz... if this is not ultimate suayness, really what is? sigh but then it can be really all my fault afterall.....

not looking forward to my pile of work tmr... my colleagues already calling me since 8am to settle work stuff. so sianz to be on mc and thinking of work but yet u really wanna rest and get well for the trip. tmr must pia finish everything!!

2010-06-02T11:34:00.000+08:00

I'm sick on mc today =((( haven't fallen ill for about 2 years and now i'm finally down... must be the crazy erratic weather.

the doc who saw me last night was down with a flu.. he was sneezing away and he didn't wear a mask!! gawd... how unprofessional is that??! and the clinic is supposed to be a well established medical group! after i went home i started developing flu-like symptoms as well.. but luckily it didn't become really bad and now i only have abit of mucus. gosh.. funnily the doctor gave me flu pills mistakenly... i guess he must have expected me to get the flu from him??!

anw i'm super numb and giddy now. joints are aching. but it's torturous to lie in bed not being able to sleep cos they're doing all sorts of things at the park and it's damn noisy. my throat hurts so madly crazily that i can't really swallow, even talking is a challenge because my throat is so inflammed. i'm just hoping that it doesn't turn out like what happened to me in Sec 4 prelims when my throat became so inflammed that big ulcers and pus developed all round my throat.. now that was hell pain. the worst kind of pain in my entire life which i never ever want to relive. my doc suspected i had leukaemia and sent me to sgh a&e immediately! i couldn't even swallow my meds at that time. so i'm being a really good girl now and downing lots of water and lozenges, including my dad's chrysanthemum tea!

now i didn't really go on mc in peace.. supposed to be my busy few days at work with lotsa data coming in. was already ill yesterday but had to hang in there because no one else to cover my work. but i really couldn't take it last night so had to see doc already. went in to office at 10pm to send my stuff to colleagues to help me cover. today my phone still on standby and they're already contacting me with some issues. sigh.

anyway, apparently i'm allergic to some drugs and i didn't know it. last night after i took some meds, a few red bumps appeared all around my eyes. by late night when i went to bed there were 2 rather big bumps just beneath my eyes and one on my eyelid. they looked like mosquito bites but kai swore they are caused by allergy cos he had them before. now i'm rather scared to take my meds leh. never occurred to me before and i wonder if there's other side effects. i rem these bumps around my eyes before and i always thought they are mosquito bites! the only meds i take when i'm not sick is panadol... so could i be allergic to paracetamol??! sianz.

hope i'm ok enough to go to work tmr and ok in time for my trip next week! dun wanna be sick over there...

2010-05-28T14:10:00.002+08:00

it's public holiday!! so glad for the break... =)))

mummy is the best! last night, she took out a splinter from my finger which was torturing me the whole evening! it was so darn small, but damn sharp and embedded in such a way that i couldn't squeeze it out. touching it was hideously painful. but my mummy took a sharp needle and with some careful maneuvering, managed to poke the thing and pluck it out! i wouldn't have been able to do it on my own! the pain was gone immediately and my skin healed up =)

then this morning, she helped me to wash what must have been a mountain of new clothes... accumulated over weeks and weeks! i was just too lazy to wash recently.. i can finally wear them! and i finally brought my too big clothes to the tailor this morning to alter, and helped mummy buy groceries.

when i came home, mummy brewed chicken herbal soup with scallops and made me drink two bowls!! feel super pampered now. she asked me to stay at home more often so that she can brew more herbal soups for me. haha.

my parents are going china next week with my aunties. i'm so happy for them! it's been like a decade since my parents travelled together... and i'm just so glad they're taking a good break together. =))

i did a very impulsive thing this morning. :( my determination to save up and be thrifty has been going so well until i saw the kate spade sale and... my fingers were so itchy.. i bought a bag. arghhh why why why?!?! but, good news is, we're getting mid-year bonus!! yay! but i was actually being very good already. instead of buying the one i really really like, which would set me back by a further $90, i bought the one i like, which is slightly more within budget. sighhh dunno whether i'll regret. anyway, the one i got is a big floral print bag... bright colours with big flowers. i'm so into summer prints lately, all my clothes now are summer prints!! i really hope i won't regret and that the real bag will be nice!!

anyway, i've finally booked my holiday to krabi! never been there before and wonder if it's nice.... heard it's monsoon season now though... boohoo. looking forward to all the swimming, beach, thai food, highly raved banana pancakes, sand and sea, floral dresses!!

2010-05-13T22:10:00.002+08:00

waiting for my mask to dry now.. my complexion is so terrible nowadays that i dunno what to do about it!!

it looks really dull without make-up.... today i went to work without make-up (super brave!) and a few colleagues asked whether i'm sick or something... die... i think i looked like zombie and scared everyone off without my make-up on.. that's how bad it is!

something juicy happened at the workplace today.... during a break at the morning professional development session, one of the psychologists suddenly screamed and shouted at another colleague, and stomped out of the room.. all of us froze, including my bosses!! they just glared at her and their eyes looked about to pop out! we had over some external guests and they were equally stunned as well... super awkward la....

i think a workplace full of psychologists can be really wonky at times. some of the psychologists are really eccentric people.. and i mean, really eccentric. nothing surprises us anymore. we have people who would start scolding people if they don't get a set of materials at a meeting, or scold people openly if instructions are not followed to the tee, even heard that one of the psychologists ever thrown a chair or desk at a colleague in the office cos he was angry!!

can be quite scary sometimes working with them... must always be careful in saying things cos they will nit pick everything u say... single words can be picked out for a debate! and these said colleagues are people i have to work rather closely with.... darn.

i'm quite afraid of making presentations to fellow colleagues at my workplace... they're really the worst people to ever present to, because they're just so picky and perfectionistic that i must make sure everything i present is sound and professionally correct and well-evidenced. in contrary, i think i feel much better presenting to schools and external people...

sigh such is the life in my workplace.. super high stress, drive everyone nuts... think everyone's going siaoo already.

finally, finally watching ip man tmr!! i hope.. and going to hatched next week.. finally =)

2010-05-10T23:18:00.002+08:00

i was on leave today for a rest... really glad for the long weekend. always dreamt of taking one day off to take a break.. the last time i took leave was dec, feels so long ago but yet like only recently.. anw june break is confirmed and i'm looking forward to it. just dunno where i'm going yet...

right now i'm having a splitting headache and i'm just feeling super sianz.. i dunno why..

i managed to do quite abit of stuff i've wanted to in a long time over the weekend...

gone for facial, done shopping, ate nando's, watched lots of dvd (finally watched ip man 1), caught a movie, ate crayfish hor fun, went to vivo to shop, can't rem what else.

but something is still missing... i dunno what it is.

i still dun feel happy, dun feel fulfilled. somehow it is alot harder for me to get really excited or happy about anything nowadays.. like everything is just really anything to me.. i got no more preference, no more plans.

is it the culmination of being sick and tired for very long? i told someone that i feel very sianz nowadays all the time... i'm not sure it's the kind of life i want to live. but what other choices are there? i find my mood always swinging.. happy one moment and then easily sad the next.

i feel like i'm bumming around and not making good use of time... like even though i did stuff i've always wanted to, i feel like i didn't do them really happily and didn't really enjoy them.

dunno what's happening to me.. maybe i got hormonal disorder or something.. super sianz..

2010-05-03T21:15:00.002+08:00

It's the first time i finished eating dinner and feel absolutely HUNGRY! *rarrrs*

I wanna eat but there's nothing at home that i wanna eat. my bro wiped out the chips i bought from jb. sobs.

I only realised today that lisa ono was here in town to hold a concert on labour day, and i can't quite believe that i missed it. i've been waiting eons for her to come and there, i've missed my once-in-an-eon chance. sianz. i want her new album.

does anybody know how to deal with dogs who bite their owners? figo has been biting everybody and it's so scary. i dun dare to touch him anymore =( will going to an obedient school help? or any medication to tame him? kai's mum was so sad when he bit her. it's really like biting the hand which feeds u. sigh, if we dun do something to stop it, he might be put to sleep one day!! so if anyone knows any strategy, pls let me know.

i still feel sad. dunno how things can change and whether they will change and if they do, will the changes last? i feel so sianz that i dun wanna expect anything and dun want any promises.

tmr's gonna be a super longggg and sianz day when i gotta be a facilitator to a group of 20 adults and act like their tour guide except that this tour guide also got to stimulate them to think and reflect and discuss. sianz.

i just pray my leave will be approved. sigh.

2010-05-02T16:41:00.004+08:00

the worst feeling in the world is being misunderstood.

i had such a bad friday at work that i cried twice in the office. i hate it how i'm always slow in finding my defenses at points of confrontation, how i'm always only able to process my thoughts and reaction after which, when it no longer matters. i hate it how i hate to justify or explain myself, but how if i don't, i can't take it lying down.

this is the first time i cried over work not due to utter stress and misery, but due to a feeling of helplessness and inability to explain myself, and hurt by the utter reality that it even happened and the kind of insinuation implied.

it makes me feel so tired, over and above the jadedness i already feel. it makes me feel like stopping to try anymore. what am i? someone who slogs behind the scenes without credit given. is it really just a game of visibility like so many colleagues have warned me? i hate it so much. why people who make themselves "seen" and "heard" such as sending emails to the whole office at 10pm or keeping bosses in the cc in everything they do, just wipe out all the credit? those who are so diplomatic and bootlickers who plaster smiles all over their faces and then talk behind people's backs, does it mean they are better at their work?

and for what it's worth, i don't even care about being given recognition or credit. i don't need people to know that i work late, hence i don't need to send emails at 10pm even though i work late perpetually all the time which nobody would know anyway because i'm usually the only one or two left and my office is separate from my superiors and bosses. yes, i'm given a shit pile of work in my humble opinion, so i whine and complain to friends but i'm resigned to it and i still work my ass off. i don't need people to start insinuating that i'm actually not busy at all, just because i'm not as "seen" and "heard" as some others. in a nutshell, i don't need people to know that i have a heavy workload, but i hate it when people start thinking i have very little work just cos i don't show it and i don't complain. just cos i always suck it up.

i feel really terrible inside and i just wish that i can escape from misery over the weekend. desperately need to go somewhere to unwind and recharge myself, go for a spa, numb myself with shopping and food, catch a midnight movie, go for a picnic or a concert/play which i haven't done in a long time or just go for drinks and desserts. but of course, these are always figments of imagination that never take place in real time. nowadays, i've not been able to do anything i wish to do or be able to have any itch or craving for something satisfied.

my weekends are becoming stressful in itself having to ensure that everyone's needs and wishes are met above mine, ensuring that i'm not a nuisance or hindrance to anybody just in case my desires come in the way of theirs. i crave so much for freedom, since i can't have it in the workplace i just wish i can have abit of that outside and beyond work. the freedom to just do things i wish, not having to always consider for others or consider what their opinion of me would be like, the freedom to even plan things ahead of time instead of leaving every idea to the last minute and leaving it to chance. the freedom to even have time alone with you to work certain things out and build up the connection. the freedom to just be myself and be me. it's so hard.. even communicating about this would become an argument in itself.

i believe so much in open communication and emotional connection but i'm really starting to doubt whether i can make it work when this is only my own philosophy. there's just too much resentment built up along the way and it's come to a point whereby i won't even want to talk about it or raise it up and hence just suck it up again and end up feeling bottled inside and really unhappy and resentful and eventually the mind and the heart turns all black and cold. maybe it's really just me.

tomorrow's monday again... how much i hate mondays, and because of that, how much i hate sunday nights too.

2010-04-29T19:49:00.002+08:00

just a quick short post while waiting for bc launch at 8pm! waiting for my mum to buy me a croissant for dinner. wish i can have popeye's mashed potato tooo.

reached home at 7pm today, super early!! suddenly felt abit lost and dunno what to do with my time. it's not 8pm yet and i've already bathed! i'm gonna spend the night watching 24 again... hoping to finish up season 1 before the weekend so that we can start on season 2 this weekend, but doubt i'll be able to make it.. still 11 episodes to go! i'm so in love with jack bauer..

attended my junior batch of colleagues' promotion ceremony earlier on. happy for them :) can't help but feel that they're such a nice fun-loving bunch of people, and how lucky i am to have such wonderful people at work. well, most of them anyway. they're the only ones i feel so safe with, we can talk and bitch about anything at work, they're the ones i laugh and cry with. i would miss them when i start losing some of them at the end of this year, and eventually if i ever leave the place.

bc's gonna launch!! gotta prepare my fingers...

2010-04-22T00:15:00.003+08:00

another miserable night which ended with a summon.

is it really love if you only love the good side of a person but not the bad side?

2010-04-15T23:17:00.003+08:00

i only have about 3 hours to myself each day. this includes meal time and bathing time. how can we spend 80% of our waking time at work? It's really ridiculous to me. there's no work-life balance at all and i'm really looking forward to the weekend.... i'd do anything to stay there forever.

i'm swamped and buried in work each day in the office. it's never enough. i can put in 120% each day and still, i can never cover all areas. so far, there's only one boss who seems to realise the amount of work i'm given, and tried to shield me from other work coming my way. i only have one small advocate and it's not enough. others are still swarming me with stuff. and they expect high quality returns. they think i'm a rubber band and i can be stretched and pulled, thin. i'll probably just snap one day. i really can't cover all areas anymore and i can't cope, but can only scream silently.

i really want to go home at 6pm. i really want to have time to see the dentist, go for medical checkups, go exercise in the evenings, have decent dinners instead of ta-pao meals.

disgusted with certain people at the workplace, disappointed with certain others. i just firmly believe that true colours show one day, there's no point hiding. it's just so fake and plastic and i can see through it all. disappointed in those whose friendship is really valuable to me, but yet in the end are won over to the dark side. why are some people jealous of the true friends i have, and try to snatch them for themselves? i'm perplexed. this is a crazy world.

2010-04-09T22:25:00.004+08:00

haven't been home on a friday night in the longest time.

this week it feels good to be home early as it was a rather hell week. went through 3 days of discussions with groups and groups of school principals (80+ of them!) and i must say, principals are a darn difficult bunch of pple to handle. i mean it when i say they are one of the rudest, most condescending, unfocused and irritating people around. i can't believe i survived three rounds of being a facilitator to guide them through a "thinking process". i just wanna puke blood at the end of it.

of cos, there are nice ones. after 2.5 years in the industry interacting with so many of them, i have my favourites. and believe me, these ones fall in the same category: motherly, late middle to elder aged, non-chinese. these are few and rare gems, and i totally respect them.

Principals in this era are a totally different breed altogether from the time we were in school. Generally, other than the aforementioned category, the rest can be classified as follows...

1. The young and hip

Ps are getting younger by the day. Seriously. With the bunch of scholars becoming Ps in their early 30s, we see the trend. I've been spotting many young female ones, with perfectly manicured nails and designer bags and shoes, hip trendy hairstyles, fully accessorized. I'm still not so sure of their substance though... Still wondering if they're here for the job or for the money to finance their lifestyles.

2. The minority men

In this female dominated industry, only a handful are men. Most of them are mild, generally nicer but also lack the drive. Their presence are not felt so strongly. But they're definitely the more polite, less condescending and calculating bunch.

3. The old-school

The traditional Ps from our era. Scream old-school, rigid, systematic, think within the box. Discipline and results are their top priority. But they are experienced and are familiar with policies. Abit easier and safer to work with, predictable.

4. The dynamic and driven

The best lot. The ones who'd effect change. Strict and no nonsense, but at least they get things done. Some are quite personable and professional at the same time, others are just really scary but you know they mean business. A sub-type of them are really inspirational and clearly their priority is with the kids.

5. The eccentric and totally unprofessional

The kind who tends to dress up in flowery wear, weird colourful make-up and flamboyant hairdos. Usually the most unconstructively critical and complainey. Very loud, likes to attract attention, talks the most and negatively influences others' thinking.

*****

I must be damn free to blog about Ps. Crazy!!! It's friday and i'm offff work. i need to de-role and stop analyzing people from schools. The branch is abit too much into this kinda thing nowadays and i'm so in sync with it already.

randomly, koi has opened in bishan!!! yayyyyy!

i feel so much like eating seletar airport spicy wings but i dun want the chilli to burn my poor little injured finger... randomly, my colleagues say guys must wash their hands after they eat seletar spicy wings before going toilet. hmm.

i'm gg to macs with mummy for breakfast tmr. breakfast till 12noon. yay!

looking forward to another weekend of watching dvd w u and possibly throwing in a dinner here and a movie there. gg for a jog at ecp again but i'm so afraid my blisters would hurt.

just now we saw a few monks eating chicken at arnold's. we were like ??!!?!? the last i heard, monks are vegetarians.

my colleagues say my finger looks gross and mutated, and i threatened to poke them in the face with it =( here's a picture of how it looks:

i think it's not that bad la. quite cute what.

There are so many many things i wanna do...

1) do something to my hair. get a haircut. my ends are so dry that someone took scissors and tried to cut it cos she couldn't stand the sight.

2) go for facial. my complexion is at its newest low.

3) watch 3D!! i wanna watch how to train your dragon and clash of the titans. why can't i ever find time for movies?

tonight's a good chance to catch up reading.. haven't been with a novel for lightyears now so i'm gonna snuggle up to a book in bed. goodnight!

gloomy

2010-04-07T22:04:00.003+08:00

it's such a "painful" day for me...

i wore my new nude pink heels to work. was sooo happy with this buy cos i've been looking for this shade. but, the straps cut the back of my heels and gave me huge blisters!! by the time i reached the office, the straps had rubbed my blisters open and i was in hell pain. luckily i had a spare pair of heels in the office to change to!! i hate shoes which cut the back of my heels... but sadly, one third of my shoes are like that....

then, this afternoon in the office, i accidentally hit my half-cracked forefinger nail, and the top half tore and ripped from my flesh. 10 x ouch. started bleeding and all and i had to carefully clip away the nail. had to be super careful when i use my hands (which is basically for everything!!). i knocked my poor forefinger when i was in the toilet and the blood was flowing out again..... sighh.... i officially can't use my forefinger for anything, not even typing!!

it was a helluva torture to bathe. i had to put a plaster and wear a disposable glove on my right hand and be careful not to spill any water on it or it'd be super ouch. then i forgot about the blisters on my feet. so when the water touched them, i felt a sharp, excruciating pain immediately... had to put my left leg (the worse blister) up on the toilet seat to bathe after that. so i basically bathed with my left hand which is a really challenging task!

if i'd known, i shouldn't have bathed. hahaaa kidding!! not when the weather was sooo hot today and i sweated like mad during lunch. but never knew that one right forefinger could inconvenience me so much! just realised our hands are really important and we use them for everything. everything!!

went for a jog at ECP yesterday with kai and his dog. it's nice to run by the sea and it's nice to jog with figo as i felt like we could pace each other. just had to be careful when he starts barking at old ladies... it's highly embarrassing and scary.

sigh my mood is slightly below average at this moment. hate the throb on my finger and i dread going to work to 4 meetings tomorrow. can't visit a special school tmr morning with my other colleagues cos i have an "important" meeting to attend. sianz. 10 x sianz.

2010-03-29T21:46:00.000+08:00

this week i can finally catch a breather cos it's nie week! hoping not to set foot in the office at all. so so looking forward to good friday!

last night was a terrible moment for me. was trying to upload my assignment, which came up to 62mb!! needless to say, it exceeded the system's capacity and i had to ask for help. my colleague suggested that i convert it into pdf. so i went to dl the program. and realised it's incompatible with mac (just like all other things i've tried to dl online..). so she asked me to send her my file and she'd convert it. but my file was too big to be sent through email, or msn. so she asked me to send it through yousendit. and guess what? i couldn't open yousendit webpage no matter how i tried, though i could go into any other website!! luck was just not with me. was really sooo frustrated i was gonna cry.

had to press my emergency button (kai response system) and he came over with the pdf converter to help me convert. he managed to convert it but some images could not be seen. had to paste again which took a few years. and voila when it's finally done, i uploaded onto the system and there was some stupid processing error and the document just refused to load!! think it took like an hour for it to upload by 1am.

the whole process took me 5 hours and i was close to tears!! but so thankful that rescue came and i'm so relieved to have submitted my stupid 41 page assignment on time.

phewww.

i hate mac.

i seriously dunno why i bought it. i mean, yeah i love many things about it. like the nice interface, images and certain functions. but i can't, for the life of me, do sooo many things like dl programs, play or stream videos online, and like 90% of things are incompatible with mac!!! i can only access safari. i dunno how to use many mac programs like iphoto, itunes, documents and stuff. my hard disk is not even compatible with it and i dunno how to program it!! so i still have not transferred my stuff over. arghhh it's killing me!!

i feel stooopid. :(((

been spending bombs at supermarkets buying sooo much food. my fav wheatables (new biscuit craze), yoghurt, milk, raisins and nuts, fruits like oranges, avocado, grapes. i spent $80 in 2 trips!! pple who dunno me will think i'm health crazed but i spend half my life eating junk actually. can't wait for dinner tmr and also can't wait to bring mummy to my fav rider's cafe!

bought a rose gold ring and i love it to bits. i'm so into gold and rose gold stuff recently. can't wait to collect it!

okay i'm going to start my health regime of fruits and nuts right now. now.

2010-03-24T22:34:00.002+08:00

i went to the white rabbit twice and haven't blogged about it!!

pics refuse to load. but the gist is that i heart heart the white rabbit mac and cheese with the goody truffle sauce!! but lissie, yes a tad overpriced. i like the food though! oh, and go there on weekday evenings cos weekend just feels like a noisy dining hall filled with white people (ang mohs).

life's good and i'm taking a step back in everything. in work, i've learnt to let things go a little bit and learnt not to take control of everything. in a senior colleague's words, i'm always too ready and willing to take on everything and always look as though i can take anything on, thus the arrows will never ever stop and my workload will always be higher than everyone else's. he also thinks my expectations of myself are way too high and i need to relax on myself a little.

all very true and valid points which i'm fully aware of. the virgoan perfectionist streak in me whereby i'm irked with imperfection in the tasks i handle. believe it or not, it kills me and irritates me thoroughly if i do something in a haphazard manner without careful thought and planning. but anyhows.. now i'm slowly taking a step back and it feels better. so my assignment's due on friday and still no sweat =) i wanna knock off at 6pm and get my life back!!!

last night i had cramps so i went to bed early at 10pm. slept for 9hours until 7am and i woke up with clear translucent skin which looked so fresh!!! gosh. i swear that quality sleep is the best beauty treatment around. and so... i'm gonna turn in early, like now. which is already an hour late. shite. goodnight!!

2010-03-08T22:34:00.002+08:00

left the office at 7.30pm and missed the stupid bus yet again. the only thing i had hanging in my head was, just let this wed be over soon, please please please.

so dreading the work review i'm gonna have with nastiest prata at 8.30am, followed by rushing to a school in tampines to conduct some workshop at 10.30am, of which i have to be assessed by my supervisor for my presentation skills and i have to write a 3000 word report on the whole process of the workshop to submit for an assignment due in 2 weeks, followed by rushing back to office for a dreadful meeting at 3pm with team leader to discuss my research study which is really gg haywire now!!

so, please, let this Wed be over sooooon.

at least my colleagues are bringing me to white rabbit for dinner on Wed. i've been waiting to go there my whole life.

nowadays sleep=6 hrs, work = 12 hrs, gastric=paramount, life satisfaction= close to 0

i dunno how long more i can have faith, trust, confidence in the whole thing. I'm always asked to tolerate, be patient, be understanding, whilst u can just do whatever u like?? where's the fairness... where's the effort and commitment in everything. i dunno, i'm just so super low mo now. i think there's still alot of unresolved issues within me and i dunno how long i can last. sometimes i feel like i'm a third party between u and ur friends. why do i feel this way? is something wrong? is something u're doing making me feel this way? am i the only one who need to reflect??

i just want to hide and retreat somewhere. away from work and everything i dread. currently yearning to go http://www.akaresorts.com and i'm drooling at it everyday. working hard towards going there, perhaps one day in june? but yet when i think about what lies ahead, it feels so bleak and i dunno whether i can get to go with anyone at all.

i miss my babies and playing with evan... he's oh so sweet and cute.

2010-03-03T23:54:00.004+08:00

It's another fruitful day. Had a good work day outta the office learning some really interesting stuff and had a good dinner with colleagues at eM, gossiping and talking silly stuff and just, laughing our heads off. Sometimes I dunno what my workplace would be like without this bunch of peeps who keep me sane.

Grabbed this photo from someone's fb. Can't rem who though (sorry, if you're reading this. nice pic!). The northern lights just make me think of faraway dreamy places. Somewhere with dreams and hopes abundant, of magical enchantment. Life just looks so promising when you look into this starry sky. This is where I wanna be, at least once in a lifetime. I would trudge through anything, just to get there.

Goodnights, world.

It's the little things

2010-02-28T22:51:00.003+08:00

Turns out that the last day of CNY is a very simple yet happy day for me. It's happy cos it's filled with my mum's love, a dear one came to visit, and i'm basically surrounded by pple who matter to me in a place i love called home.

You asked me if I'm happy. It's gotta be the simple things in life that truly makes me happy. :)

The evening ended off with a bright full moon hanging outside the house. Loved sitting there by the window, with the cool wind blowing. And the sky was the nicest, richest shade of blue. I had you right beside me. I love the moon and how we're always under the same moon, no matter where you are.

I think I'm blessed in many ways. And I won't ask for too much in life. Or perhaps it's too much, to ask for a simple life with you always mine, and to always have the love and company of my loved ones?

I think we're so fortunate. To be blessed with health and complete families. With shelter over our heads and plentiful food. To have received education and be able to work and fend for ourselves. How many people do not have any of these in the world? Who dare not even think of such luxuries to them?

I'm contented and with this, I end the night. :)

let it out

2010-02-25T22:03:00.003+08:00

I'm very low mo after 3 meetings, totalling 8 hours today. i hate thursdays.

At branch meeting today, dpty director shared our branch's climate survey findings. it turns out that our branch's level of morale is super low compared to our division, compared to moe wide, and compared to all our singapore ministries. we have lower satisfaction of compensation, hate our bosses, think we have too much work, think we have poor work-life balance, think the environment is stifling, think our leadership sucks, amongst many many others. And these are all true, it's really how we feel.

Dpty director was shocked and very sad that this has happened (it's the lowest climate survey she has ever seen in her life), and she was very sincere in getting our inputs on how the management can improve. she's really a very nice person, and i'm just sad to see that she has to be the one to take charge of this and represent the management when honestly, it's the other members in the management who have made things end up this way. Though she's seated at the top and has the most power, she has no control over the other members and i bet she doesn't even know how mean the rest of them can be. it's really sad to see that our culture here has turned into a war between "us" and the "bosses". but it's the work of many years of condescending manners, piles and piles of work heaped on us as if we're super-humans and no respect or recognition for our work.

Anyway, I'm a lil' sad today cos i heard my dad scold my mum when she accidentally slammed the door. He used a crude word and i was really disturbed by it.... Is it true that there can be no love after marriage? Or after years of marriage? I think if I'm on the receiving end of such treatment, i won't be able to take it.. to be scolded by my husband just cos i slammed the door accidentally. I dunno why my family dynamics are like that. or is it a common thing in other families? I don't know.. i think sometimes i have no faith. At times i see my mum being mean to my dad, at times i see my dad being mean to my mum. At times they're fine. I feel really sad and confused.... sigh. beginning to lose my belief in love.

my mum told me that when i was young, i used to be very very scared when people scolded each other or quarrelled. i would hide under my bed. ??!! haha. i think even till now, i'm really scared when pple scold me. but of cos now i react differently.. i think i've grown to be more defensive so as to protect myself. i still really hate to be scolded and being talked harshly at... and being reactive is just a defense mechanism.

last thing.. i feel so sorry for kai's niece. really hope that his family will be fine and that his niece will be ok... even though it's really not ok for such a young child to go through this, i hope things will get better and that they can be strong.. life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

2010-02-23T22:20:00.003+08:00

i cannot stand guys who keep their last fingernail long.

gosh, it's so damn gross!!!! my hair stands at the thought of it. it simply looks so ugly, so uncouth, so unhygienic.

i already cannot stand guys with long fingernails. but that i can still tolerate. but deliberately keeping the last fingernail visibly longer than the rest of the nails is just too gross to withstand. even a few mm longer also cannot!!! i find that one of the first things i'd look out for in a guy is surely his nails. if the last fingernail is long, confirm CANNOT PASS! urgghhhh!!

i dunno why some guys must do that. what function does it serve? dig nose? scratch somewhere? i dread to think about what the purpose of that nail is for. eek.

so guys, please think twice before you blindly follow a "trend". some trends are meant to be followed, some are simply so gross that u need to think triple times and use more discretion. what kind of image are u trying to give?? that you're a very "in" ah beng or that u always dig your nose?

there's only one type of fingernails for guys to keep, sad but true. u can only have it short, neat and trimmed. anything else is just gross. sorry u can't have manicure treats, cut ur nails in different shapes and styles, or paint them in nice shades, but guys hate these anyway so it doesn't matter. i don't mean to offend the opposite gender (or any of my gfs who might have boyfriends who do this) but please please please don't turn our palettes off!!

2010-02-17T22:32:00.002+08:00

CNY was great cos i met alot of new cute babies in my family and there's so many more ang baos now that 80% of my cousins are married.

my cousins and cousin-in-laws are seriously popping babies here there and everywhere. from just having 2 nephews (jarrel and ethan) for the longest time, i can no longer keep track of how many nieces and nephews i have right now!!! must be at least ten!

met the cutest and handsomest xander (can't really spell), who has thick black fluffy hair, huge round eyes and bronze skin. gosh he already has the looks of a hunk and he's only 6 mths old!! then i met bubbly little nicholas with porcelain skin and my heart just oh-so-melted when i carried him in my lap.. he looks like a little monk!! and he's sooo cute just kept sucking his fingers!! and he cried when ppl took him away from me!

some ppl actually dread carrying babies and taking care of them..... but, i love it! from the babysitting days when i helped my mummy take care of 3 babies, i learnt all the skills required to carry them, feed them, cajole them, and even change their pampers!! i love carrying them and i'm always reluctant to put them down. i just love babies so much..... gosh i sound like i'm ready to have my own.

this CNY marks a few firsts.

it's the first time someone asked me seriously when i'm tying the knot. like seriously look me in the eye kinda talk, not the casual auntie-fied question. my cousin said at my age it's really high time to start thinking about it cos u need a few years to apply for flat, another few years to get ready for wedding, another few years to plan for a baby.... gawd.. think i'll be 40 by then. i wanted to tell her straight, nobody to marry, marry myself?

secondly, it's the first time i actually feel paiseh taking ang baos. i mean, my aunties and uncles have been giving me ang baos for 26 years!! they must be thinking, faster get married la then no need to give u anymore. then i have my cousins who are around my age giving me ang baos... it feels so awkward!! gosh.

i suddenly feel old. like really, really old. am no longer the baby of the family, now with so many new babies already.

this CNY didn't really rest much, everyday out eating with family or visiting somebody or relatives visiting our house. i'm looking forward to catching up with the girls at east ocean on sat! already drooling at the thought of lau sa pao and fried octopus tentacles.

anw the CNY break's over and my life's instantaneously switched back to the humdrum of work. left office at 8pm today and had instant mee dinner at 9pm. i hate such a life. i'm really unhappy with it. i reflected and i look ahead, and all i can see is a life like this:

7am - wake up

8.30am - reach office

7, 8, or 9pm - leave office

9 - 10pm - dinner

10pm - shower

11pm - sleep

7am - wake up....

i have a training at 8.30am - 10.30 am tmr morning, followed by a meeting from 10.30 - 1.00pm, followed by another meeting from 1.30 - 3.30pm. no time for lunch!!!!

and when i go for all these trainings and meetings my work in the office just pile, and pile and pile. dun laugh if i tell u i still have undone work from July 2009. I'm not kidding!!!!

i'd better turn in now to prepare for the horrendous thursday ahead. shivering in "anticipation".

2010-02-14T00:45:00.002+08:00

“ Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. " Neil Gaiman

This is from an author I respect, and when I saw this I was surprised at how much it tore at me. Such that everything I feel is captured within this quote. How much it totally messed up my life, and simply my life isn't my own anymore. The pain rips me apart, yes. And how I wish I can just get out of it, run away. I hate it so much. I wish I can hate you, and walk away one day. But no, I'm a hostage now.

It makes me want to build up an armour again, and not let anyone inside ever. It makes me wish that no stupid person will ever walk inside my life again. My pieces will always be kept by me, never to be given to anyone again.

Why can't I listen to my rational self, my ego, but always follow my instinctual id? Why do I do things I know would only hurt myself one day? Why can't I be brave enough to pull out that glass splinter residing in my heart, deep entrenched?

God save me, on the day I used to love, but now can only hate.

2010-02-08T22:30:00.002+08:00

Was very moody over dinner and the subsequent ntuc-shopping trip with my mum n bro, cos i realised that mum made me lend money to her sibling unwittingly. There are several reasons why I'm so affected by this..

1) she wasn't forthright from the start. she kinda lied to me that it's for something else and asked me to transfer to XXX account number.

2) she's always lending her siblings money her whole life and now that me and my bro are working she's starting to make us do it (esp me, since i'm like the nicer of her two children, duh)

3) i know that 99% this person is not gonna pay back, which means that my mum will fork out her own money to pay me back, which means that i can't bear to take my mum's money, which means that ultimately i'm giving away the money, which is as good as losing it into thin air.

4) it's not a small sum, at least not in the hundreds

5) i'm super financially strapped myself right now. if i have money to spare i will. but i don't and especially not right now, when i'm already thinking of how to pay up my impending insurance premiums (and is income tax coming up, anybody? -- been receiving letters from govt but dun dare to open yet).

6) worst of all, i think it's not right if we don't lend my uncle money when he's struggling. but i also don't think we're able to continue helping him this way our whole lives. i know my mum will be super unhappy if we ever refuse to lend, she's like the one and only sibling in the entire family who's always willing to lend her two brothers money. and she never gets it back (but she'll never complain and will scold us if we ever tell her off). sigh. so what can i do? what is a daughter to do??

There are some things in life which we just cannot control. Like having a mum who is too nice to her siblings, like over the limit and taken advantage kind. To the point that I have to even give up my bedroom few years ago for my uncle when he cheated on his wife and was chased out by his family. So my super kind mother told him that he can shift into her daughter's room and stay indefinitely while her daughter sleeps in the master bedroom. Daughters with mums like that would just have to be on the receiving end of such fate, isn't it? I just wonder, is she really doing her brothers a favour by spoiling them rotten? Why are people like us made to pay for people who can't be loyal to their wives and who can't control their gambling, drinking and aggressive habits?

Then there are other things which also cannot be controlled, such as the amount of work u have. I was re-evaluating my work life, and realised that even though i'm determined to take a "back seat" this year, work just comes propelling my way and i can't shield myself with any armour. So the ME in 2007, 2008 and 2009 also wanted to take a backseat, tried, but eventually found her hands all tied up. I have walked the path before and I'm walking the path again.

The only thing that really cheered me up, and the only good news, is that I conducted my first intervention talk for a bunch of kids last week and the target child, who's an autistic boy, touched my hand and told me "you speak so nicely to me, you make me very happy". And it just melted my heart so much.

2010-02-02T13:40:00.002+08:00

i sincerely believe that the best way to handle a difficult problem is to look at it in the eye.

but this time, i really have no courage to do so.

instead, i want to hide, and run, far from it all. i think the best way now is to forget. it's too painful to look it in the eye, to try again one more time. how many more times?

i'd rather not have anything. than to risk losing everything. i'd rather not see, hear, or feel anymore. so, help me forget.

i wish i can selectively erase my memories. than to know they exist in the mind but not in the present.

i'm empty-handed..

left with none, my heart's gone away

but now i know

nothing's worth anyone sacrificing for

2010-01-30T22:03:00.004+08:00

just went on a trip to jb and spent some quality time there, indulging on all my fav food and mostly, just letting my hair down and relaxing, not thinking about work. the trip this time just made me feel so at ease and well rested.

had so much food that i wonder how it's possible not to put on any weight (or visit the toilet). each time i go to jb is the only time i get to wipe out all my favourite stalls. stuffed myself silly with all-time favourite nando's (even packed a full chicken home), nice yong tau foo w black noodles, roasted chicken, duck, pork, lovely streetside bbq lok lok, n secret recipe's cakes. sang 3 hrs of ktv and was very sillyly happy hoarding the mic to myself (the boy had sore-throat) and self-entertaining.

stocked up on groceries and bought new yr goodies n stuff that could only be found in msia. only thing we didn't get to do is buy dvd!! can't wait to get my hands on season 2 of lie to me! it's a must-watch, pple. screening in US now. reminds me of emotions psychology totally. we didn't go jusco too, the usual stopover. but i need to stop shopping anyway. came home to 3 new dresses in the mail. i love life.

going to jb is abit like reliving my childhood since i grew up staying there for 6 yrs. got me a lil' nostalgic and started thinking of my childhood bestie, my cousins and auntie. those streetside stalls, supper and shophouses.

On the work front, it looks like this year is gonna be both a little intimidating and exciting year for me. My supervisor's pregnant, totally caught me offguard. and when she's preggy she goes on MC like forever. she already has one month hospitalization leave. so i can't go to her for help when i need advice and might have to cover her work. A few other major pieces of work coming my way too.. some could mean big things.. i'm just waiting for things to be firmed up..

So anyway, other than all the challenges i've often blogged about, perhaps the most exciting thing about this year is the possibility of going to US for a conference in october. i've been nominated by the management to attend it, quite a rare chance. it's not formally approved yet though, gotta wait for news. there's a chance i might have to present one of my papers there, though most likely it would be presented by bosses. actually i'm hoping just to attend the conference instead of presenting. but colleagues kept telling me that presenting my paper at an international conference is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, which some of the seniors don't even have the chance to. anyway, all these decisions are made for me so i'll just sit and wait for whatever news come my way. oh, the only downside is that i'm going with my bosses. sigh.

anyway, guess which part of US??

not exactly anywhere to die for, but at least it's Bella's hometown in Phoenix, Arizona! and i just caught a glimpse of it in New Moon recently. heh. apparently it's a nice sunny town (though Oct won't exactly be sunny) with the desert at the outskirts filled with cute lil' cartoony cactuses. most impt thing is that there must be factory outlets somewhere!!! though how i'm going to shop w my bosses with me, i've no idea yet.

ok i'd better not be happy too early. nothing's confirmed yet, remember?

hmm... been talking to ppl lately, just need the listening ear and maybe some good opinions and advice. had a nice long chat with a girl friend on thurs, and appreciated her so much. it's like her belated bday dinner and she spent 2 hours listening to my boring story! she's so sensible n i enjoy talking to her so much. it's a nice change from getting reprimanded or made to feel guilty whenever i talk to anyone about it. there's some decisions i need to make but i just dunno how to proceed. i just wanna go to sleep. sigh.

tell me what to do.

happy owner of my bow bri!

2010-01-26T15:07:00.004+08:00

i just had a mini heart attack.

my long-awaited kate spade bow bri bag has just arrived at my door step!!!!! came faster than expected and i wasn't mentally ready for it....

tada!! looks prettier in real life! pardon the ugly background. was too excited and tried putting all my barangs inside to see how it looks like! it can fit my brolly, wallet, sweater and stuff. so happieeeee.

i'm like a super kate spade fan now.. :) and i'm so gonna get lisi's ribbon clutch! smooches

2010-01-24T12:48:00.003+08:00

It's lovely Sunday and i'm so thankful for the chance to finally rest at home the whole day. The past two weeks have been a little hectic and i was so seldom home. Haven't been sleeping well either cos my bro has been smoking cigars at midnight for hours and the smoke smell is so overpowering and fills up my whole room that i find it really choking n hard to fall asleep.

It was Yuan's wedding yesterday. Me n lisi were her JMs and it was my first time! All the JMs were very nice and helpful.. haha quite fun. think lisi might not have enjoyed it much cos she kana alot of "feet" water from the brothers. lol. think the JM dress was nice afterall when everyone wears it together. can't wait for pics. So happy for yuan and i could really feel that she was very happy and at ease throughout the day. their love story is amazing! 15 years of love! gosh. i think it takes alot of love and commitment for the two of them to stay devoted for so many years and to be so sure of each other. :)

I must say that not many guys are ready to settle down n commit to a marriage at this age. They might think they are but they're not, and their actions prove it. Anw, thinking back to evolutionary psych, i was pondering at how men and women are designed to be at odds. It's amazing how marriages can last at all, but then again, nowadays they seldom do, and even if they do, there are so many cracks.

Women are programmed evolutionary to look in a man, traits which show they are ready to settle down and invest resources in her, and this ensures her and her offspring's survival. Resources can mean anything from money to food to perhaps most imptly, feelings and being faithful. We are programmed to subconsciously think this way so that we choose a man who would be unlikely to invest his resources in another woman (which in ancient times, can result in her perishment).

Men, on the other hand, are simply programmed to plant their seeds all over the place so as to ensure that their genes are passed on to their offsprings. Thus, men of all ages, are programmed to be attracted to women who are young, often in the twenties, which is the peak of fertility. They are also attracted to women with big hips, a key indicator of fertility. This is nature's way of ensuring survival and passing on of genes, at least for our ancestors. Even though some of these things are not applicable in modern age anymore (e.g. women do not need men's resources for survival all the time now), this was what worked for our ancestors and the psychological "programming" has been passed down to us.

Of cos, not all men are like what i described. There are definitely men who dun go around spreading their seeds and looking at young women, but these are the few and far betweens. There are definitely men who prioritise their marriages above all else. And single ladies, I'm afraid this species have all been taken up -- because these are the men who want to settle down in the first place, and they already have. So, look twice or thrice at any single male species who are past the age of 27. If they show the slightest inclination to settle down, it's because their buddies are doing that.

Sorry that the cynical me is acting up again. I've just been relating it back to my own experience, and now i know why i've to think so hard about everything. Maybe it's simply the evolutionary programming acting up, and it's nature's way of protecting myself from being harmed -- by thinking like thrice about everything and ensuring i make a good (and smart) choice.

And I think, amongst the things i hate most, i hate being taken for granted all the time when i've honestly always tried to be the nicest and most understanding that i could already. i also hate being unappreciated for who I am. i hate being told that i can be more tolerant and much better when i've been the best i could to u. i hate being prioritized at the end of the ranks. and I dun see why i have to live with it.

happy camper

2010-01-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

Went for my regular manicure session with my mummy this evening. It's my mummy's virgin mani-pedi so we were pretty excited. Other than the initial 15 minute blackout in the shop the moment we entered, everything was good. She was so happy that finally all the dead skin on her feet are gone and now they're smooth n supple :)

She was pretty hesitant to try out any nail colours initially but with the persuasion from all the girls she tried out some light shades of pink. She was so scared to smudge her fingers after that so we had to help her with her things!

My manicure today is light shimmery pink french manicure. Love the colour but not very satisfied with this particular lady's job n miss my regular gal as she was off today. My nails were cut a tad too short n the french tip wasn't too straight. bah.

Anw i really love love love coming for mani-pedi sessions at this particular shop. Although it's a very small neighbourhood shop, the service and quality is ten times better than the big parlours i've been to. not to mention, much cheaper! I never fail to feel super pampered whenever i go for these sessions. Esp pedi!! Love how the feet are soaked and carefully scrubbed. And of cos the choosing of colours is always the biggest highlight for me. Never used to be a fan of mani-pedi but once i've tried it here i can't stop. My mum also declared that she loves it now! my cousin bought me a package as my present n i've used it up already. I signed for another ten sessions today, burnt a hole in my pocket :( But she gave me VIP price and made me swear not to tell anyone.. lol. it's reaaaally cheap! erm, at least compared to other shops la. it's still considered a monthly basis indulgence. must carefully utilise my ten sessions cos most likely i'll share them w my mum and as birthday presents to my girlfriends too so they won't be mine alone. bleh.

My good friend came to find me at the shop just now as she stays nearby. Had such a fun time chatting with her n my mum making girly talk. We booked another appt to come tog before the CNY! I've already kinda decided the colours i want for the next visit. Most prob light glitter pink for my fingers and opulence or glittery purple for the toes! The slots before CNY were very fully booked so our appt's quite a few days before cny :(

Really think that nail sessions make very good catch up sessions between girls n i really enjoy going there with my cousin or mummy or girl friends. Sometimes i chat w other customers too n they'll tell me about their husbands, work etc.

Anw i'm a happy camper tonight (partly cos it's lovely tuesday!) and even going to work tmr with a discussion with school leaders doesn't really put me off. will wait till tmr morning to drag my ass. goodnights world!

In mourning: my beloved park

2010-01-16T12:06:00.003+08:00

Nowadays, i'm always pulled awake from my deep slumber on early weekend mornings, which are noise-filled with all the industrialization going on around my neighbourhood. First with the condo they've decided to build on a nice lush piece of green field two blocks from my house, and now with the revamping of Bishan park the govt announced a few months ago.

This morning, i was again woken up from loud noises.. the noises are right outside my window as the park is just below my house. I'd gotten rather used to such noises and didn't think much of it until I walked into the living room, and was greeted by the shock of my life.

The park as I've known it for 20 years, is literally gone overnight. The long line of tall, shady trees which I've known and loved my whole life is being chopped and killed at an alarming rate, and their carcasses now lay on the ground lifelessly as i type now:

I've always appreciated the beauty of these trees and over the years, i've watched them grow to become towering, strong trees which shelter my house and give it shade. They are at least 6 storeys high and look really mighty.

This photo illustrates how one side is completely dead now and the other side is how it used to be...:

And you won't believe this. As I was taking the photo, i heard a loud creaking sound and saw the next tree slowly, slowly tilting to the right and i stood there witnessing it fall from its grand height to the ground with a thundering crash within a few seconds. A man stood at the bottom of the tree, with a saw in his hand.

This photo is of the falling tree which just appeared in the previous photo, and is now a split second away from the ground when i managed to capture the photo just before it landed. My heart ached so much when i witnessed this that tears came to my eyes.

To the right.. already damage done. The bridge is my favourite bridge. How many evenings I've spent there throughout this whole life, standing on that bridge looking at the neighbourhood and admiring sunsets, thinking about stuff or cooling off from a run on my way home. The path i used to walk down from that bridge with my parents, to go through the park to have dinner at the porridge stall just across the park. I'd look up at the starry skies and loved the feeling of my parents' company when they're talking. For so many years i've been doing so since i was a little girl of 6.

I'm quite sure the bridge will be torn down and replaced with a new one. Even if it's not, i know the view and perspectives i get on that bridge would be different from then on.

To the left, relatively still untouched yet and is the park as i've known it (just ignore the industrialization taking place behind the park). But I'm very sure it would be gone too by the end of today or tomorrow. This canal used to be filled with sparkling clear water when i was young. There used to be big turtles swimming around the big square in the centre and they would come up to suntan! Super cute. But after the stream of water is polluted, there are no longer turtles and i think they've all died or something.

When i was looking out at this scene from the window, mummy was in the kitchen preparing lunch and telling me how sad she is. She says her heart really broke when she saw this and we complained about the govt initiative. Why must everything be industrialized, new, and commercialized? If i'm not wrong, they are gonna build some cafes and shops like right below my house. Why are we always making way for new buildings and structures so that there can be money-making opportunities? Does it mean that old places can't serve us well? I beg to differ because i feel that old places bring us a different realm of comfort and peace, and is a haven away from the industrial and globalized world we already live in and can see everywhere when we go out to work etc. We don't need to bring industrialization back to our neighbourhoods. No matter how much they try to convince us that the new park will look nicer, i won't be swayed.

All i want is for my park to remain how its like all these years. The very cosy and charming little park with old antique bridges, pebbled pavements and little brick shops. I even miss the old playground at the end of the park (the super old school type, with sand and cement, not the new generation type) where i used to play with my brother and cousin back in what must be 20 years ago. I miss the little red shop which rents out rollerblades and bikes and i used to go there w my family when i was a little girl, and after that w esther when i was in sec school to rent blades. i'm not sure whether this would be gone too.

Sigh. Really emo post for me. I don't think anyone would understand my feelings for this park unless they've lived here all their life too and looked at the park day and night from their home. As I'm typing this i can hear all the chopping going on and tractors moving around and i just heard another tree crash to the ground. Now i know the sound of trees dying and its imprinted in my mind forever. I hate it so much.

another addiction

2010-01-07T23:09:00.003+08:00

While waiting for my face mask to dry, i shall do a short short post.

I've been crazy over this kate spade bag since Dec, but managed to restrain myself with whatever bit of rationality left inside me.

TADA!

Only managed to find ONE website selling it, and i think it should be gone by now :( I spent so many nights tormenting myself by looking at it on the website and bugging the owner to give me more discount, only to reluctantly force myself to give it a miss. ARGHHH

BUT it doesn't mean i can't continue to gush over it. In fact, perhaps ranting about it here could give me some sort of closure for this bag that's never gonna be mine. You know, like grieving.

Isn't it just lovely?? So classic looking, yet chic and striking with the white and black contrasting bow in front. Just the right size for going about ANYWHERE! Like sometimes when i go shopping and dun wanna carry a big bag, nor carry a small clutch, this is like just the right size. I can already imagine what i'd put inside - my wallet, handphone, small brolly, lip balm, keys, tissue, blusher. Just the essentials, nothing more, nothing less. I just love love love heart heart the cute bow so much!

I think I'm being carried away... can't believe i can blog such a long one on a bag. Sigh i must stop eyeing all the kate spades, they're making me super ravenous and hungry. Back to reality... ok i'm contented with just my lil henry.

but on a side note, if any of u happen (just happen!), to know or see this bag being sold anywhere, pls pls pls let me know!!! hee.

**edit**: it's still available on the website!!! at a sales price somemore, but only until 14 jan!! should i buy or should i not? have until 14 Jan to decide!

a new year ahead

2010-01-05T20:04:00.003+08:00

it's been 5 days back at work and i've already made two presentations, both known at the last minute.

it's time to focus on work again and leave the holidays behind me. work's not taking a full swing yet.. kinda still in a holiday mood but i know it's gonna come soon, fast and furious. i'm just happy to revel in nie week for now.... it's like heaven for us compared to work in the office.

so it's 2010 now. was just telling mum that i couldn't believe how 20 years just flew past like this. i still vividly rem moving into this house when i was in primary 1, and that was 1991. i could rem myself then, feeling small and lost in school but happy to come home. then our conversation somehow veered to how life passes u so quickly, pple fall sick and pple die. mummy's scared of ageing.. and secretly inside, i feel scared for my parents and myself too.

anw, every year i'd kinda write down a few resolutions but in the end none seem to ever work out. i would try but guess it's not hard enough. but for the sake of kickstarting a new year ahead with things to look forward to and goals to set for myself, here's my new year resolutions:

1. like finally get my driving license

2. like finally get started on yoga classes

3. eat more veg

4. buy less clothes, shoes and bags (and everything else, damnit)

5. watch more dvds

6. hugely importantly, more work-life balance. which inevitably means taking a backseat at work and letting alot of things go, coming home early and spending more me-time. work just can't ever be finished. i used to strive alot and have really high expectations of myself, but over time i'm just killing myself. i need to learn how to delegate tasks, not take on everything, not be such a perfectionist in getting things done nicely, not to be too soft-hearted and take on everybody's requests. it also means saying NO firmly to things i dun wish to take on and being totally OK with myself not being able to handle certain things perfectly.

7. lastly, i hope to spend this year looking for more alternative career choices, broadening my perspectives, etc. many many factors have led me to this, sadly.

Number 5 is kinda weird, but i really love watching drama serials (all sorts -- hk, korean, english) but never had the time to do so over the past few years. recently i've just started again (watching on macbook is quite whoosh) so i'm hoping to keep up with this me-time over this year.

Resolutions have become resolutions simply for the reason that they were difficult to accomplish in the first place. hence, not alot of hopes in cracking those tough nuts there. but it's worth a try anyway.

hope this year would be a good year :)

Hanoi - a peek

2010-01-03T00:32:00.015+08:00

I never knew that hanoi could offer scenic views. it was a trip which gave me much needed tranquil and serenity.

Day 2:

It was the most boring day of the trip. We visited temples and lakes and Ho Chi Minh's resting place. A pity we couldn't view his body in winter. Anw, here's the place he used to work and live in, which was rather nice and peaceful.

Day 3:

The night before, we moved into a hotel at Ha Long bay, 3 hours drive from hanoi. A quaint little town with small, narrow buildings.

The view of the bay from the hotel..

Mummy looking beautiful before we set off for Ha Long bay. This place is a must-go when u visit hanoi.

We set sail on a junk ship and cruised along the bay on a 5 hour trip. It's just awesome how vast and great nature can be. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere. It was misty and cold, with boats few and far between. Very tranquil..

Loved how we could go on the deck and let the winds whip across our faces though it was freezing and i was so under-dressed for such weather. Five thin layers just wasn't enough.

There was lunch provided on board but before that, we dropped at a little fishing place in the middle of the waters. It's rather interesting, we could buy seafood from this place to add to our lunch by simply choosing what we want, pay up, and board the ship to continue our journey. The "cook" for our ship would cook the stuff we bought for our lunch.

Throughout my journey, i saw that it was very common for families and children to live on little boats and form their livelihood on the water. They would sell things on their boats to tourists by rowing close to their ships and showing them goods like fruits, drinks and biscuits. Some families even seem to have their boats as homes. It's kinda sad to see very very small children selling things in such cold winter. They have fruits and biscuits as toys and sing and jump around their boats to play.

We then came to this island (i think it's heaven's island) where we docked and climbed a cliff. It was said that the view from the top is spectacular.

This was halfway up the high cliff...

The climb was steep and high.... we needed frequent rests!

View from the top.... very breathtaking. The climb was totally worth it.

Day 4:

This day was spent at a lake which was really quiet and peaceful. I felt like i was right in the middle of a swordsman film.

At the bay where we boarded a small rowing boat. More like a sampan actually. Very quaint. It was a 2 hour journey to and fro. The boat was rowed by a middle-aged woman and her daughter. There was a neighbouring boat which was being rowed by a 70 year old woman!

Mummy and I took turns helping the woman's daughter row the boat as she was very tired. It was quite fun actually! But very tiring.

There's alot of cliffs around and we spotted little goats climbing around the cliffs and they mehhhed at us when we rowed past! Super cute.

Totally loved the villagy feel of this place. Definitely a must-come esp. with your lover. 2 persons to a boat. U'll totally feel like u're in your own world, with blue skies and birds chirping away.

Lastly, a few snap shots of the people of hanoi. People making a living and children.

A parting shot. The last evening of hanoi was spent on a rickshaw around old quarters, though we didn't get to alight and shop around. It was a harrowing one hour ride along the scariest roads in the world. I truly feared for my life but managed to sneak a few shots here and there. This seemingly calm road is misleading. Motorcycles were in fact millimetres from my rickshaw and I was awed by how they could never scratch us.

Xmas came and went

2009-12-27T15:54:00.006+08:00

can't believe that my dec hols is coming to an end and it's back to work on tuesday. perhaps it's the fear of what's to come at work, perhaps it's the phobia of working till midnight, or the dread of unaccomplishable tasks, but this must be the one toughest going-back-to-work moment for me.

i'm thankful for the brief respite i had these two weeks. work was so hectic right before that it drained me and made me literally a dead fish. i was so grateful on that last friday of work although i still had to pull myself away from office (last to leave, no surprise) to force myself to go on leave. although i had the greatest fortune of being away from work over the last 2 weeks and being in the company of my loved ones and the comfort of home, i still am severely mentally drained and i believe no amount of rest could recuperate me fully. dreams fill my sleep every night, not sweet ones, but vivid, stressful ones. it's been awhile since i had a restful sleep whereby i wake up feeling fresh and recharged.

nevertheless, i tried, really tried, to empty my mind of work and fully immerse myself in resting.

christmas is over, and this year, the spirit of christmas is somehow lacking for me. perhaps it's the absence of writing xmas cards (only a few, here and there), of buying and giving presents (always the greatest joy), or perhaps it could be the absence of my favourite xmas foods, think turkey, puddings, chocolates. but i'm thankful i had the company of my loved ones which is what christmas is all about.

spent the last few days with my family and i hope i made my mum happy by staying by her side on both her birthday and the day after. all my life i could never feel good about going out w friends on xmas day cos it's my mum's bday. hence the entire xmas season is usually spent at home. and we ate so much. think everyone gained 2 pounds except for me. xmas day was dim sum lunch at our usual peach garden, complete with my much missed wasabi prawns and roasted duck. dinner was at another chinese restaurant. boxing day was spent at my cousin's, and she whipped up my fav baked cheese sliced potatoes, baked pork with thyme and rosemary, honey roasted chicken wings, fresh mushroom soup and we had my mummy's lychee martini bday cake. dinner was a seafood meal of salted crabs and lala (my fav)! gawd, the amount of food i had.

a few photos of my xmas with my family...

and mummy gave me a lovely xmas present!! a huge jewellery wooden box with 9 drawers!! finally, something big enough to store my accessories. i filled up every drawer immediately. no space left. haha. love the vintage look of the box. hope to bring this box with me through life!

What does it feel like to be, say, addicted to a deadly drug? Knowing that it's harmful for u in the long run, but yet, for the good feelings it gives you now, u succumb to temptation and live with the guilt and fear inside? You have enough sense to try kick it off a couple of times, but not enough determination to kick it off totally and thoroughly, and it keeps coming back. You know you have to rid yourself of the addiction one day, but yet the one day is never near enough. What can one do?

The feeling is helplessness. And i think, it applies to many of us in many situations, perhaps not to this great degree, but to an extent definitely. It applies to things, activities, or even people which/whom we know are no good for us in the long run. I think, letting go and moving on from a habit or from something which makes us feel good is never a human forte. Ironically, it's so behavioural science.

And i end off here. No energy to post hanoi pics but will try to do it soon. 2010 is coming!

Dec in Hanoi

2009-12-22T16:41:00.002+08:00

my blogskin has been down for several weeks cos the author has not logged into her photobucket. for the past 2 hours i've been trying to download a new blogskin but failed miserably. i rem it being quite easy some years ago but now i can't seem to find the html codes. argh. so it's back to boring default skins for me. anyone who has a clue pls pls pls let me know.

i miss my old blogskin :(

just came back from a short trip at hanoi. if you think that vietnam's weather is just like singapore, u're not alone. but i'm so wrong! and painfully so.

turned out that it's winter over there and the temperature was around 12 - 15 degrees. even though i checked out the temperature before leaving, i still had the image of vietnam with tropical weather. i was ill-prepared in terms of clothes and had to pile on all the clothes i brought everyday. ended up wearing the same stuff each day cos that's all i had! my mum and i were wrapped in whatever shawls and cardigans and sweaters we brought along. bathing was a nightmare and a trembling-shivering affair. but i kinda miss the cool windy weather upon touching down yesterday. there's no sun and rain there, just peaceful, cloudy winds.

other than the weather, another noteworthy experience was the traffic. my gawd. it's worse than bangkok and china put together. honking was taking place every minute. there's no lanes or whatever to speak of, and cars, motorcycles, trucks, trishaws, bicycles and pedestrians can just travel along the same road. vehicles change lanes like nobody's business. my bus was travelling on the lane with oncoming traffic half the time and v often, there would be huge buses coming headway and my bus would just squeeze into another lane at the last second. i dunno how the pple there do it but i must say they have fantastic driving skills cos i didn't witness a single scratch or bump taking place. i thought i was going to die on the trishaw cos all the motorcycles were coming at me and honking from all sides but i was amazed they didn't even scratch any part of the trishaw.

visited a few scenic places and they were rather breathtaking. the pictures do no justice cos it's a totally different realm when u're physically there. the weather just makes everything so tranquil and serene. it feels like u're in another world except that when u're travelling with a tour group, u can't really filter out all the blabberings and noises from pple. and i tell u, singaporeans are disgustingly NOISY. argh. i went there to have peace but i ended up living with more noises. and having to witness how some singaporeans are simply a disgrace makes it a whole lot worse. the kiasu-ism, kiasi-ism, self-centredness and lack of common knowledge was a pain to witness. the utter low standards in our way of talk is really something the country as a whole needs to look into. enough said.

anw, i was looking forward to food and shopping but to my dismay, we were served terrible meals as part of the tour package and shopping was almost zilch to speak of. given a chance, i would love to walk the streets, have their local delicacies, go into a local cafe to try their famed coffee and french loafs. have more photography of local and street life. shopping was supposed to be at old quarters on the last night but sadly, a couple of anti-shopping males and sleep starved aunties strongly opposed and it was cancelled. it really angered some of us cos it's part of the itinerary and u're not supposed to cancel any part of the prog. argh. anyways. total shopping time = 1 hr in an art/handicraft market. -_-

hanoi's definitely a place worth exploring and i would love to visit again in future. free and easy this time, please. i had never enjoyed going on package. i now know where are the good places to go for sightseeing and i would love to stay in the hotel overlooking west lake again. more street life this time.

pics up next time! need to upload the pictures if my brother ever wanna find the camera cable for me.

my fears and apprehension.

2009-11-09T22:54:00.004+08:00

i'm really happy cos i bought nude pumps for myself and for my mummy! :)

anw, friends have been asking me what the fears and apprehension are all about. i think colleagues immediately knew what i'm referring to.

yes, it's to do with work (again). my blog is turning into a mini work ranting page. someone said that maybe my work's too stressful for me and that i should think of exploring alternatives. yeah i agree that the job's not for keeps in the long run definitely. and i'm open to alternatives.. but for the next few years, i think i'm staying put..

it's the time of the year whereby deployment is the talk of the town... deployment was out on friday and i've been assigned to be the deputy leader of my team next year. yes, this is the lots and lots of fears, and loads and loads of apprehension. of what's coming ahead, what's coming my way, what i have to deal with and handle. of being an advocate whom i'd never wish to be. i know the challenges of this team, i wanted out but now i dun have a choice.

it just seems like i'm never gonna get out of this team, huh. why i'm apprehensive, is also due to the expectations of myself. if i can't do the job well, i'd rather not be in the position. if i HAVE to be in the position, i know i'd make myself slog like hell. so hence, all the fears. i just feel like my shoes are too big to fill.

been spending the weekend trying to absorb it in and think thoroughly. i need to think carefully about my next year's work, because this year has been pretty heavy going, and i know i need to manage my workload. not that i have a choice sometimes, work just comes my way. but i do need to cut down on my cases in schools. at a meeting today, one of the HODs is already asking me how soon i can complete cases next year. i feel like effing him. i've already had enough on my plate as it is, dun bug me about next year's work. as it is, me and my sup are already covering more cases than our colleagues usually do, than you'd bother to recognise. at an alarming rate. at a speed i can't even breathe, just so for the children. do u think i'm taking on so many cases for myself?? i don't even report these numbers to my bosses! i'm purely doing it out of genuine concern for the kids.

why do they just pile work on us as if we're not humans? i feel like all my work in schools go so unappreciated. yes, there's always the "thank you"s and what nots at year end meetings. but there's also all those implicit hints to go visit their school more often, to do more cases, and worse still, some of these schools dun even factor in lunch time for me!! do they think i'm a robot?? my case manager was nice enough to pack lunch for me today cos the canteen ran out of food. but i only had 10 mins to scrape whatever i could before some parents came in for consultation.

if u ask me, i think we lead a life worse than doctors. doctors have patients come to their clinics instead of travelling from places to places to seek out these patients; doctors can assess and diagnose a patient quickly and accurately with medical tools, we assess and diagnose clients over several sessions of many hours each, using tools which do not give you a definite positive/negative result, but it depends on our judgement and integration of several tests; doctors have medicine to cure their patients, we have to hold several meetings and consultation to plan out the best intervention for our clients; doctors earn from each patient they get, we obtain a basic salary no matter how many clients we see. And i'm sure doctors have lunch time. :(

anw, i've just decided for myself that i need to take a step back in work. i need to put my health as priority. lately i've been getting giddy spells for an entire week and it's really not helping with the amount of work. the news of deployment came at a very bad time, just when i feel i need to take a back seat at work.

i just need to rethink alot of things, and think things through very carefully... i need to constantly remind myself that i have to put my own needs first. that's a resolution. and sleeping early is another. :)

2009-11-03T14:16:00.004+08:00

i need to stop my insatiable thirst for bags. before i really go POK. been crazy over them recently. but i must say, no regrets. i love my rosegold parker and my lil' noel henry in black!! love them to bits!! gonna use my noel henry for work.... it looks so classic. i'm so afraid of dirtying it it's making me OCD! i'm so tempted to buy one more to keep in case it turns old one day. crazy!

anw, shanie and i went to someone's in-house sale for coach and kate spade bags. had to literally fight tooth and nail to grab the last KS purse for our dear michy's bday. so excited to give her. there were soooo many other things i saw, but all snapped up so quickly! the house was sooo crowded it's worse than zouk i swear. gawd. it opened at 11am, we went at 11.45am and half the stuff were gone! the crowd was soo bad we had to hold hands to keep from getting lost. there were at least 4 cashiers and the owner even set up a laptop for people to do internet transfer!! gosh.

then i saw someone paying for my beloved noel henry and i was like, how can anyone else have it too?!! it was pretty hard searching for my henry. rarrrr. i'm seriously tempted to buy the whole series of classic noel stuff - the chrissy clutch, gilly tote, and an unidentified noel bag which i heart so so much but taken by someone else already! somebody stop my itch please.

michy's turning 30. gosh it sounds old like mad and i dun hesitate telling her that. lol. all of us are getting such a big kick of poking fun of her big 3. but jokes aside, i seriously wish for her sake that she'll get her baby soon! i spent the entire last night making a big bday card cum photo collage for her. gonna let everyone sign the card to wish her a happy 30th. had a splitting headache after that. have to go source for more materials to finish up today. the first pic up there is the first draft of the front cover. the second pic is how the project made my room look. my room's getting out of control seriously! but dun think it can get worse than the bestie's. i seriously dunno who appreciates such stuff anymore, but i just can't stop myself from making these for the ppl i treasure. on a side note, i feel like mich is drifting apart from me. i know it sounds crazy but i guess girls are just possessive over their things and their friends. i think mich's won over to the other side. sighhh.

it's pouring heavily and i'm about to go out soon... :(

2009-10-29T23:12:00.002+08:00

this morning, i saw christmas trees being set up along orchard road, and i had the shock of my life. is christmas coming already?? where did the entire year go to??! nevertheless, i'm looking forward to my favourite time of the year... about the only time i can get a decent break from work.

i had dinner with mummy and she was telling me stories of her life. i love listening to these stories.

today, she was telling me about how she had started a family with my dad. though she'd told me these before, today it gave me a new perspective of how she's gone through certain things at my age.

how she had to fight very hard to apply for a flat and move out of my gran's as she really wanted that to start a family, how she subsequently went ahead to purchase our flat in bishan despite objections from my dad as it's bigger for the family and she thought the location was good, how she had really wanted a second baby (me!!) but my dad didn't want to but she finally had me (yay!)... and how she really had to work very hard to earn money for these things she fought for.

it truly impressed me how as a woman, she fought hard for the things she really wanted, and not only that, she went on to strive hard to earn money for the family. she's not well educated, so i know she had to work really really hard. she spoke about how happy she was when she found jobs, as she was able to earn money for us. she put us through piano lessons even though dad and her were struggling, cos she wanted us to have music in our lives. she was retrenched a few times through the years but she kept looking for new jobs. and she's still working up till this age. actually i do feel that if mummy is better educated, she can achieve alot more in her career. she's very dedicated in her work and she has alot of foresight. i'd think she's rather financially savvy but very disadvantaged by her background.

anw, i really almost cried when i heard all these things. cos i think today i had a new perspective of the things she told me. i guess it's because i've been working for the past two years and i've come to understand a little of the hardship of work. i've been earning a grad's pay but i'm not happy, and i only have myself to support. i can't imagine her having to earn much lesser but still striving so hard to bring money home to give the best to her kids. i'm ashamed of how i've been whining about my work and it's only been two years. mummy has been working for 30, 40 years.

i finally see how i fit into her grand scheme of things. to her, my brother and i were the plan of her life. we are what she had wanted all her life and she strove hard to give us the best. even though her marriage to dad wasn't how she had wanted it to be probably, she had us and she is happy.

and i must say that besides working hard for us, she's been a fantastic mum at home. she's the kind of mum who'd do household chores daily, cook wonderful food for us, mother us when we're sick, scrimp on herself to buy things for us, show concern for us when we're sad, tailor our clothes when they're too long, too big, too small. she genuinely wants to know about our lives and be a part of it. she'd save money to buy herbs for us, and force us to drink them or she'd get very upset. even till now, she'd ask me daily if i want fruits, and the moment i say yes, she'd rush to cut them for me. she'd be extremely happy as long as we want her to do things for us, such as cook for us, boil herbs for us or cut fruits for us. the only time she's upset with us is when we refuse to take these things. oh, she's also one of the few women i know who makes rice dumplings every year!! and fantastic ones at that. each time she makes, all my relatives would request from her and she would make lots and lots and give them! i have never liked anyone else's rice dumplings (and lotsa other stuff, actually).

i really don't know how i can ever find another mummy like her. i tell myself that i under-appreciate her everyday, and i really do. i can't help but feel that the whole family's been too pampered by her, and we've taken her for granted by now. when i think about my life, through all the changes, ups and downs, fears, trepidations, happiness, uncertainties, everything, mummy has been the only constant. i feel very ashamed at times, but i'm also determined to treat her much nicer.

when i look into my own future, i really can't see myself doing all the things she's been doing for us. i know i certainly won't be as good a mother as she is, i won't be as self-sacrificial as her, won't be able to give as much love and everything else for the family. she's really inspired me with her courage and strength. how she went ahead to achieve so much with so little. what she had gone through is probably something i would never dare to tread.

i think i know why i'm kinda excited xmas day is coming. it's mummy's birthday :)

2009-10-26T23:13:00.003+08:00

i'm perpetually having monday blues.

left office when it was dark again and it made me feel sad and lonely. the corridor lights were all off and it was pretty scary.

the impending period is not making me feel any better. already feeling the bloatedness and mild cramps before it even starts.

i'm really thinking, how can a person pack so much work in a day?? i feel like i'm packed to the brim already and i can't handle it anymore. we're gonna have a talk with management on thursday. how do i tell them that i can't take it? how do i tell them that i can't take piles of work up my head anymore, having to eat late lunches because of 5 hr meetings, having to do projects which they might not even have a clue about, having to rush work till i can't go toilet sometimes, having to fire fight those initiatives which they so proudly announce to public, having to be paid half the wages of ppl who do the same things as us??

i have to learn how to conduct an array of psychological assessments, how to interpret them, problem analysis, case integration, intervention strategies, theories of special needs, presentation skills, consultation skills, interview skills, facilitation skills, research design and methodology, statistics and data analysis, proposal writing, psych report writing, literature review, dealing with difficult parents, dealing with difficult kids, dealing with nasty teachers, guiding and developing my case managers and school personnel, and of cos the whole load of administrative shit. to top it off, the course and assignments and projects.

i. can't. breathe.

**********************************************************

I had a nightmare last night. in my dream, a group of us were in a house. delighted at first, but only to discover mysterious things. there were some strange objects, and then things were bouncing in a certain manner.

we were all freaked out. the feeling of fear was so strong and intense in my dream that i woke up in sweat. i think my fear actually forced me to get out of the dream subconsciously. it was in the middle of the night. i was so scared i hid under the blanket even though i was perspiring. didn't dare to open my eyes at all.

luckily i was so tired i fell asleep not too long after.

mummy says i'm suffering from mental breakdown. sigh.

2009-10-20T10:43:00.002+08:00

i had a vivid dream last night. ok, i had a vivid nightmare last night.

this time, i was being hunted down by wild animals, instead of him. to be exact, a huge black bear, a polar bear, a tiger and a lion.

they were in a group. they were in my house, although my house in the dream doesn't look like my real house. i dreamt that i had to climb out of my window, quietly, and step on all the window ledges and tiles, trying to find a neighbour's house i can enter, desperate for an opening somewhere.

they were following me. sniffing me out. i had to keep escaping, finding new openings. anywhere that would take me.

then i was in a house. someone's house. and i had to knock wooden planks all over the windows and doors, so that the predators can't enter.

at one point, the black bear found me and almost got me. the lion pranced around me. i was still on the run. almost defeated, but haven't given up.

the thing about my dreams is, i almost always dun have an ending.

and i'm never alone. i'm always with someone, but someone whom i don't know. but the feeling is always strong, as if i've known him forever.

i think in a way, my dreams always reflect my mental state. i'm always being haunted or chased, and i'm always running to find freedom. i can't get a break, even when i'm asleep.

it's so draining sometimes. i wonder when i can get a brief respite.

for our branch workplan, we are asked to write compliments for each other.

yesterday i chanced upon a few of mine. someone actually said, "gentle but tough". i wonder who it is. i hope i'm tough. i need so.

another comment, "you're always making us laugh". i've never thought of myself that way. but i'm indeed happy in the presence of my friends and colleagues. i think i'm always saying nonsense. nowadays whatever i say can throw michy into spasms of giggles. i dunno how i'm funny!

and the very naughty ones said, "you're more than we can ever imagine. hint: night safari" hahaha. gosh. my reputation's gone down the drain!

dunno how i'm gonna function at the workplan for the next two days when they're gonna serve my raisins. gosh. think i'll just burst out laughing again and this time, my bosses are gonna think i'm crazy and throw me out. then maybe i can go home.

2009-10-19T22:33:00.002+08:00

sometimes life takes a chunk out of you.

the week started off bad for me. i was near screaming in the office today, having to work on an obsolete laptop which is simply not responding.

i hate it, when i have a trillion things to rush out and many deadlines to meet. but all i could do was to wait and wait and wait and wait somemore while my laptop hangs. or sometimes it takes like 10 minutes to respond to a click, another 15 minutes to download an article. everything i sent to the printer turned out wrong.

my frustration was bursting out of every pore.

a deadline today, a deadline on this thurs, a deadline next monday, a deadline next wed. but actually work's been going this way all along. thing is, i just need my laptop to function. i need it to churn out reports for me, fast, i need to download research, fast, i need it to give me slides and tables, fast!! sometimes i feel like it's life on the line.

tried asking my office for a change of notebook before but it was turned down.

it doesn't help when i kept getting calls on my office phone from someone. 3, 4 calls throughout the day. it doesn't help when the person says, "You're not respecting me by not wanting to talk to me.". It doesn't help when I wish I can put down the phone but yet I have to think of a way to talk tactfully lest i anger him more. It doesn't help when he threatens to find me.

yes. i'm scared. to be honest, i'm constantly scared. being threatened. thinking of what u might just do. are u happy? i'm mentally exhausted, more than anything else. really. and doing all these just shows that u only care about yourself.

sometimes, i feel like i'm breaking down. life on the line.

2009-10-11T03:01:00.002+08:00

it's one of those blue days again. when the downpour started early morning n lasted mid-afternoon. i tired out and slept through the day.

at least after which i had my good fix of accessories shopping (this time, i bought a locket without restraint), good ol' timbre pizza, with buffalo wings, seafood and mojito, and 500 days of summer to top it off.

it's an untraditional love story (spoiler alert). offers a pretty good perspective, at least for me it came at the right time. it's one of those, "how to move on" movies. sometimes you dun need a reason. you know you just have to do it. no matter how much chemistry you have with someone, he or she may not end up to be the one, though you may feel it so strongly at a moment in time.

funny thing is how i can identify with both characters to a certain extent, but only because i've been in both shoes at different points in my life. with tom, it was especially when he said, "... the very things i believed in and hung on to turned out not to be true...". and in his context, i felt it so real. i was naive, like him, to think that someone really felt for me, and to think that whatever we've been through really meant something. with this comes great disappointment, when it turns out that u've just been giving more than it's worth.

having said that, i've also been on the other side of the field at a different point in my life. i had initially thought that summer totally screwed up tom's feelings. but i slowly came to realise that i felt this way because the movie was filmed from tom's perspective, thus allowing room for empathy towards tom and not summer. it was only at the end that i realised, even though tom was generally good to summer, she doesn't need a reason to leave him. she doesn't know why, and it doesn't bother her, she just felt like it and she just did it. when asked by tom how can she say that she doesn't feel like being somebody's gf but ended up becoming somebody's wife instead, she said something like "I don't know.... you just didn't give me that feeling". basically, tom didn't make her feel like being his gf, but someone else made her feel like being that person's wife. Sometimes, it's just about feeling the right way with the right person, and u dun have to give any reasons or explanations for that. Tom came to realization too, and managed to move on.

how powerful it is to sway opinions by portraying things from one person's perspective. i've really come to realise this the hard way. but i also understand how this is a natural effect in itself. albeit, a very dangerous and poisonous one at times. how hearts can be shattered. torn raw. ultimately, i believe that someone who truly loves you would never portray things from just his perspective, and allow others to form a judgement of you out of context.

i've known my answer, it's always been there in my heart. with that, i'd go to bed tonight with a smile on my face.

*******************************************************

I don't want to talk about it... how you broke my heart....

2009-09-28T23:52:00.002+08:00

i'm not sure whether it's the fear of the past. but it just triggered me to feel the same way again. and i hate the feeling and i never want to put myself through it again.

i just think it's so easy for us to revert to our old selves. that's our comfort zone and it's just so, comfortable. never trust someone who claims to change. including myself. it's so tough sometimes. i've come full circle round and round and round a few times. i still haven't change. old habits die so hard.

sometimes i fear myself. when can i see sense?

i think, with hope comes disappointment. lots of it. i think i'm resigned.

i've been working on my lj blog the whole night, to add more pics, put up a feedback post, beautify the fonts and alignment. it's tough for me but i'm determined to make it work. simply because i want to sell my clothes, and because i think nothing can be too hard.

or simply because, this is one of the few things in my life which i can perhaps reign some sort of control over at this point. if i can't even do this, what else can i do?

2009-09-26T01:00:00.003+08:00

i just came back from playing L4D with my bestie. hahaha. she's finally learnt how to play! now we can all go play together.

dunno why but i'm feeling a little under the weather of late. feel a deep sense of emptiness and hollow space inside me. sometimes i feel pretty much alone, like no one truly understands me, even though i'm always going out and constantly being in the company of people..

there's just no one to turn to sometimes, no one to go to at the end of a horrid day and u need to pour it all out. it's not like there's no friends per se, but it's just that no one makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to. u know the kinda feeling when u're talking to someone and the other person is just listening and making comments for the sake of doing so... i'm sorry to say this but there's just no one who makes me feel like i'm truly listened to and truly cared for.

sometimes life gets so tiring that it's a luxury to just feel comfortable around someone. u dun have to worry about how anyone sees u or how u act/look/behave/talk. like just. be. yourself.

it's so hard to be like that around anyone. i miss myself, the one who's always laughing and chatting.

sometimes i enjoy quiet nights alone like this. when i can just leave the world behind me. let the music blast. let my brains drain out. i really need freedom and space and i need to be respected.. i'm just very tired i guess.

my new colleague's father just passed away last sat. i don't really know her and haven't really spoken to her but she sits just beside me, separated by a partition. so today i went to talk to her and offered her my chocolates. she opened up to me and told me how she's so afraid of nights, when it's dark and quiet and she kept seeing her father in her mind. she had to turn on the tv and lights every night. but she's relieved that her father is no longer in pain and he's in heaven now. she said it's tough that it's gonna be mid-autumn festival and that's her father's favourite time of the year.

i felt so sad for her and what she's going through that i cried. she kept saying sorry to me for making me cry. i told her she's so silly to apologise and that she must be strong. i told her to come and talk to me whenever she's lonely, and to just cry it out whenever she's sad. i feel that she's really strong in a quiet way. i really hope she'd be better and that she'd feel welcome to the branch. it must be really tough, two weeks into a new job n her dad passed away.

i told myself that i must really make an effort to involve her in our group n ask her to join me for lunch. i find that sometimes we must really give somebody new a chance. i've always thought she's quiet and aloof but i'm really glad i walked over today and found a very sweet n nice side of her. now i've a friend in her. i hope i've made her feel abit better for a few moments. she looked really sweet when she smiled and told me she liked the chocolates with rose petals :)

count our blessings.

2009-09-15T00:38:00.002+08:00

i spent the past 4 days and the past 3 hours talking to starhub, and i think the starhub person is superbly flabbergasted with me and must be thinking what a major bimbo i am.

i thought getting a macbook would solve my techie woes but in fact it created more.

i still can't use internet on my macbook and i now have a phobia of installing the microsoft office for mac on my mac. so basically i can't use my mac for anything and i'm back on my old laptop.

arghhh. to think i believed all those stories about how mac is so user friendly and easy peasy.

actually, i think the problem really lies with me. i just suddenly realised that i'm such a techie idiot that i'm hopeless. my colleagues can attest to that and they had no qualms pointing that out to me. sigh.

i think all through my life, pple have been fixing up all my techie problems for me and now that i'm finally left to my own device, i finally realised that i've been stupid all along.

i really can't do even the simplest of techie functions and i need really a step by step guide to everything. miss a step of instruction and i'm gone. that's how i've been spending hours and hours of my life doing what others probably only spend minutes on.

i feel downright miserable.....

i dun mean to make myself sound stupid but i really am. i really know NUTS about tech. i hate it i hate it i hate it. but i've been trying so hard to learn all along. i'm finally tired.

it doesn't help that my macbook is the most updated version OS, think only days or weeks old, and starhub doesn't know it well enough to fix up the broadband yet.

pair the world's worst techie idiot and the world's most updated OS = ultimate suayness.

******

i'm miserable over everything and eating marks and spencer redcurrant puffs helps. i'm hungry and i'm almost done gobbling up the entire box.

the advocate i'd never wish to be.

2009-09-03T22:14:00.003+08:00

just something about work which i need to rant about, or else i can't sleep tonight.

a project i'm involved in that's been bugging me for awhile now. triggered by today's branch meeting whereby some tension was created. think 60 pple in a room. close to 40 psychologists, all with their own minds, all strong in their convictions.

i really don't know how to proceed. sometimes i feel so stuck, i feel i'm pushed into a role of advocacy for something which i don't fully believe in. that's the most painful feeling. how do u ask me to carry out and enforce such a big scale study, which i've gotten my hands into for 2 whole years, and i have to carry it out as if the idea comes from me, when actually i'm not even convinced by it?

i think we all hear the cries coming from the ground. some are valid points, which are from my heart as well. but i have to continue playing the advocate, when i've voiced out the same cries within the team.

i think we're moving too fast to keep up with ourselves. true, this would be good for our kids. our intention is never none other than for their own good. that part i've always believed in, and would never lose sight of. but if we're moving too fast and furious, the tables are just turning back against us. it's like a huge backlash.

oh well. maybe in ur own words, it's the lesser evil. moving too fast vs leaving unidentified kids suffering in silence. i'm in a dilemma myself. all i know is that i'm in a painful role to be. and u have too big a pair of shoes to fill. really. i think we really need better direction.

sigh.

tmr is another long day. conducting CPD for my school personnel whole morning. then i'm meeting a difficult teacher followed by a difficult parent -- the things u know u have to do no matter how much u wish u can avoid. as if today hadn't been a long day. 4.5 hrs of branch meeting + 2 hrs + 1.5 hrs.

fire-fighting is becoming my forte. so looking forward to the weekend.

life's still good :)

i dun wanna turn 25 part 4

2009-09-02T23:00:00.002+08:00

the last of my bday celebration was on sat with my jc pals.

we went to raffles city for a quick dinner at cedele, and were supposed to go to the park at national museum for some picnic cum movie screening. but kid was craving for wine so we ended up at the rooftop of toy museum, a cosy winebar called mr punch. funnily enough, all of us were dressed ok for wine, despite the earlier plan to go for a picnic. i swear i almost wore shorts.

as usual, it was a night of endless khid jokes and RA stories. of how he almost kana raped and about the girl with a jungle which is an eco-system on its own. of brazilian waxing and alzheimer stories. funny la.

char made a lovely lovely photo collage. the frame is sooo nice. thanks babes. 9 years and going.

after that was soccer match with the bestie at breko before we headed home for the night.

i'm really pretty sick of bdays for now...

anw, i just bought my macbook online!! and an ipod touch :) they're gonna be delivered next week and i can't wait. just that i dunno how to configure the macbook though.. gonna crack my brains abit when i geddit. just hope it won't die in my hands. excited excited.

anyone wants to buy an 8gb ipod touch?? it'll be brand new and i won't open it. interested parties pls email me at bluebliss@hotmail.com :)

i'm pretty excited about my life right now... it's going pretty good at the mo. all my time is filled n i constantly have stuff to look forward to. pampering myself really helps as well. been spending money but i really think, what's the point of earning money if u can't put it to use? may as well use it when u're young and keep urself happy. being happy = being beautiful inside out and living life to the fullest. but of cos, i must save up some as well and i'm doing that. but i just dun believe in being frugal and saving up money for gawd knows when. maybe i can say this for now since i'm carefree and single... teehee. no immediate goals for me.

anw, sept's filled up for me! terrible august is over. all my weekends in sept look pretty filled. there just seems to be sooo much going on. going to night safari this weekend (cos it's free for moe staff!!).. then there's ice-cream making workshop with char, bestie's bday, susu's bday, me and jol's belated bday outing etc etc. hopefully there's still one or two fridays and sundays freeeee.

i've caught the time traveller's wife on screen. i was touched and i cried. though not as much as the book made me tear. it's really really truly the best story i've ever read. bittersweet romance. sigh. i love eric bana. he suits the role to a tee. the henry whom i'd imagined. somehow rachel mcadams wasn't the clare i had in mind. she's still super hot in the show but she's just not the clare la. sigh. i love time travelling romance. wistful.

i still wanna catch my sister's keeper and the proposal (ok fine i'm outdated). saw the trailer for my sister's keeper and it looks pretty good, though rather different from the book i think. the proposal's gonna end by the time i watch it la... nobody to watch with. gonna catch coco before chanel with sheryl soh xue le this sat. u'd better not fly kite woman! :P

i dun wanna turn 25 part 3

2009-08-29T13:09:00.002+08:00

tuesday saw myself celebrating with dear colleagues at modesto's at vivo, one of my fav places. i really think the restaurants lined up along vivo are all very nice... with a good view of the harbour.

it was pretty sweet of them to plan this for me, despite this being such a horrendous week for all of us due to the CCET portfolio due on monday. i really thought everyone would bury themselves mugging! super touched that they all sacrificed their time for a nice long dinner with me.

and they bought me such lovely stuff.... a little bunch of roses from them which means "I love you" in Michy's own words, a sweet hardcover diary full of hearts on them, five solid bars of 'happiness' from chocolate research facility, a very thoughtful bday card filled up by so many many names, and a superb tiramisu cake decorated with strawberries from modesto's itself.

touched to no end. and the night ended off with michy's sms: We love you. And we want nothing but happiness for you.

awwwww. almost cried. gonna store it in my heart forever.

i'm feeling super blessed and loved in my own little way... life's been good to me now and i want it to remain so. appreciate all the little angels who've shown me sooo much over the past few months.

saturday is here!! gonna celebrate my bday with my girlfriends later... excited excited. michy said my bday celebration is like weeks long... and i should marry an indian cos they celebrate weddings like one month long... hehe.

meanwhile, gonna mug on my portfolio and meet my bestie soon. been staying back in the office till 11ish....feel so miserable and tired. it's making me look super haggard and i'm age-ing like nobody's business.

maybe turning 25 makes u age twice the normal rate. arghhhh

i dun wanna turn 25 part 2

2009-08-25T00:39:00.003+08:00

my birthday is over and i feel a deep sense of relief.

don't get me wrong.. i mean, all the celebration building up to the day itself was great and i felt really blessed and happy. but i wasn't looking forward to the actual day at all. maybe because i had been looking forward to something else which i know isn't going to happen anymore, maybe because i just hate my birthdays in general because they always fall on stupid days, maybe because i dun wanna hit a quarter of a century old, maybe because these two weeks have just been crazy at work and i can't really enjoy my bday at all as it's right smack in the middle of chaos and it's on a monday to top it off.

my birthday started off on a bad note last night from the very second it turned midnight, which left me being unable to sleep n have any restful sleep at all.

however, i'm really thankful that i didn't have to go into office afterall but i wasn't actually skiving as i had to stay home to rush my assignment deadline. wish i can dun touch work for just a day but i know i have to rush it today and tmr or else i'd be burnt this weekend.

it was a boring and torturous day. spent the afternoon typing assignment (i'm only at page 8 out of 50 though...) and napping abit. i had initially planned to have a quiet day alone. colleagues had wanted to celebrate for me today but i told them i can't make it, so we've settled for tmr. but i became really bored crazy and bugged my mum to have dinner with me at novena... had v nice curry at curry favour. then i begged thong to have desserts with me at night cos i just can't bear the thought of being alone at night. and i know he's the only person i can actually tell i'm super bored on my bday..

turns out that plans to be alone on your birthday can't really work out afterall.

anyway, i had a super great weekend! caught up with thong on sat. went to prive for superb traditional breakfast with a nice view of yatchs and my dream houses by the marina. then we went to sentosa and behaved like tourists for a day. visited underwater world, dolphin lagoon, fish spa and my fav luge! gosh it's been 20 years since i stepped into underwater world. so many fond memories... i've always liked going to sentosa. but i'm pretty sad to see the IR developments there. at night we had dinner and drinks at serenity, this spanish restaurant and lounge at vivocity. it was very nice and it's facing the harbour... there was a band playing and though the band is made up of old uncles, they played n sang v well.. and they sang the kinda sappy oldies that i like. i requested for lady in red! they also sang stuff like collin raye and eagles.

sunday was a day with my family and relatives! went for a seafood buffet with my family... ate and ate and ate. then i met my relatives for the afternoon. my cousin gave me a manicure and pedicure treat!! and to top it off, she paid for a mani + pedi package that we're both sharing! my feet felt totally pampered and treated la.. they are now so soft and smooth after the fish spa and pedi... we felt the service at the neighbourhood mani shop was pretty good and their quality is fantastic.. and it's rather cheap somemore! definitely will go there regularly now. went over to my house to cut the cake.. mummy bought a durian cake from angie's and it's still great as usual! at night we went to have dinner at a tze char stall in sin ming... i love the milky fish thingy there.

okiee that's all for my bday so far! still have 2 more celebrations coming up... :)

really appreciate all the well wishes i've received today. made me feel pretty loved! feel so bad that for most of the pple who wished me, i wouldn't have wished them as most likely i wouldn't keep track of their birthdays or would have forgotten the dates.. i'm pretty bad at remembering n keeping track of birthdays. think i must really put in more effort in remembering pple's special day.

okiee i must really work hard tmr.... i aim for 20 pages!!

2009-08-17T21:50:00.002+08:00

i'm in a dilemma now..

i have flu, sore throat, cough and on-off fever, which really sounds like h1n1 or it could just be a common flu.

i dun feel too terrible, the symptoms are all quite mild for now. at least i feel much better at this moment than this afternoon when i felt like i had a high fever and drowsiness during my school visit.

i know i've been wishing to be down with h1n1 so that i can take 5 day mc. hehee. but i heard healthy pple died from it so i dun really wanna get it anymore.

furthermore, i can't afford to take mc now. tmr i have a presentation at nie.. so take mc also no use. but should i be so socially irresponsible? but yet i'm trying to be responsible at work. arghhh such a dilemma. which is more important???

besides, i'm meeting pple for dinners this whole week. i dun wanna fall sick!! why must i fall sick now. i haven't been sick for one entire year!

shit. somebody just told me that on-off fever might indicate dengue fever. pls dun scare me!!!!!! i've been bitten by mosquitoes EVERYDAY for the past one week! even woke up in the middle of the night to smack them. i get at least 5 bites a day and i stay next to bishan park - high incidence of aedes.

pls tell me it's not true!!

i dun wanna turn 25 part 1

2009-08-16T17:22:00.005+08:00

was supposed to go out shopping but stayed at home cos i'm kinda sick. anw i'm really not keen on shopping nowadays. i've overspent and burnt my pocket.

spent the whole day doing something very constructive - took a long afternoon nap. a very good rest indeed. much needed. lotsa pple commented that my eyebags are terrible, and that much i agree. i think i've been going out abit toooo much.

yesterday was a very well spent day with my friends at Old School. was treated to a romantic dinner (the setting was romantic, not the pple) at Chalk (awful carbonara though..) whereby they surprised lm and me with a lil' lemon-kaya cake from rive gauche. i still dunno how is it lemon, cos it certainly looked and tasted more like a cranberry kaya cake. nice nonetheless.

we hopped next door to timbre. first visit to this newest branch and the place is really nice. i'd think nicest of the three. except that the crowd was toooo young. there was some family function gg on for some richass kid - too crowded, too noisy, too young.

nonetheless we had a rather crazy night at timbre cos of my crazed fun-loving friends! Pam, a filipino singer who's quite on the ball n had a loud n rich voice, and guitarist Fatt (whom we thought was a girl at first) were up. sms dedication was going on and lm sabo-ed Lissie and her new bf Song. he wished them happy "one-week anniversary" and Pam made them stand up and kiss! jin captured a very sweet shot of them when their lips almost touched! gotta wait for him to upload on fb. they actually kissed for a good 3 secs. heh. so happy for the girl! Pam kept calling Lisi as "LeeShee" and she repeated this at least 10 times which made me giggle like mad. later we found out it's because stupid lm typed "Lishi" in his sms. haha.

it got a little wilder when we sabo-ed jin to go on stage to sing. he was going "oh SHIT" when he heard his name. i didn't expect him to be so onz and he actually went up the stage!! he sang Lucky together with Pam. wooot. damn proud of him la. anw he performs and should be used to it la.

haha i think my friends are really quite onz and it made my night :) i wouldn't dare do all these for nuts. they already had the sms typed out with my name and i begged them not to sabo me!

so, this is my happy start of a birthday thingy, and i'm really not looking forward to the dreadful day itself whereby i'll be busy busy at work. just looking forward to catching up with (worthy)friends and family over the next two weeks.

***

there are some things which cannot be tolerated, accepted and forgiven. at this point, i'd really just like to forget and move on with my own little life, perhaps heal my wound by any chance. and i hope to be given this basic space and right.

2009-08-12T21:29:00.002+08:00

was lunching with michy yesterday (shaker fries!!) and we talked about things we wanna do. here's my list:

1) learn driving with mich (must find a private instructor who can pick us up from home)
2) yoga classes (bought my yoga pants last year but procrastinate until now)
3) oil painting
4) sketching
5) photography (dessy said i shld seriously pick it up cos i've the angle but need to learn the camera functions. think alana said this to me several yrs ago too)

sigh. of dreams and possibilities.

heard that there are shooting stars tonight. but i glanced up the sky and it's red and threatening to rain. boo.

2009-08-10T01:58:00.006+08:00

i love the long weekend. simply can't imagine working tmr if this is any other weekend, but thankfully it's not. thank goodness for rare weeks like this.

just came back from catching the movie Up in 3D, and it's just super cute. it's the first time i caught a 3D movie locally which u have to wear 3D glasses!! the first time i tried this was actually in Movie World in aussie, and it was 4D for Shrek, thus it was even clearer n nicer. but it was also pretty cool to do this in a local theatre. the animation for this movie is pretty good. rather breathtaking. good lesson was also learnt from the story. i think in a way, the character Carl has taught me how to let go of the balloons in my hands.

i had a very fruitful weekend in terms of occupying my time n getting myself to move on. friday i had the bestie's company for the night. went over to her house and did scrapbooking while her sweet bf waited for us till almost 3am and sent me home.

sat was shopping with my mummy! we kinda went gaga at ion. shopped from 2 - 9pm! and we bought soooo many stuff. we bought 5 pairs of shoes!! and we went to folli follie (my fav accessories shop!) without the intention of getting anything, but the moment our eyes set upon this watch, we just knew we had to get it. within 5 mins, we made the crazy decision to buy it! decided to share the watch since both of us like it so much and it fits the both of us nicely too. plus, there was a 10% sale!! too bad we didn't have the isetan card or there'd be further discount. it's still a pinch but i think it's totally worth it!

i just love it sooo much! a very quaint and exquisite little watch with little jewels all around it! it's pearl and gold in colour. think it's the first time i got myself a watch (not counting in the cheap zipia ones). it's pretty understated in this photo... but it's much nicer and bling bling in real! it comes in black too (with a pink gold base), also very nice. but we decided this colour is the nicest. somehow it looks nicer on my mummy... i love bling blings :)

sat night was spent at pump room with my friends.. there was actually some ndp countdown party going on at the canary area. i really dig the live band at pump room.. but i totally hate the intermissions whereby the music gets terrible n i just can't wait for the band again. i got kinda high again after the very potent long island tea there, but too bad my friends weren't high at all and they didn't like the place very much.. so i didn't really feel like i could let my hair down n just party. i was dying for the dance floor but my friends are more into drinking. we went to winebar after that. but it's pretty interesting to hang out with this bunch of very artsy fartsy pple.. the gals are all from the fashion industry. one of the gals and her bf are into photography, and they brought along their lomo cam and dslr, so lotsa good shots were taken.

today was a quiet day.. a very nice friend brought me to dinner at azabu sabo followed by the movie. dunno whether i've said this but i like long quiet dinners. that's when u can really sit and just talk. had a super long dinner with sheryl on thurs at cedele as well and we chatted for so long. was pretty nice catching up with her. it's really nice to be single and just catch up with anyone u'd like to, not minding the time and handphone, n just do whatever u want. i've not felt so relaxed in a long while.. maybe it's a good thing. dun think i'd ever be ready for another rship. too much commitment over the past few years has made me very commitment phobic at the moment and kinda jaded and tired. it's really time to rest.

tmr's a brand new day (and last day of the hols..sobs) and i'm catching up with captain lim. i'm gonna bug him to go sunset grill for dinner cos i just miss the spicy wings there sooooo much. i'm actually kinda hungry now... so super not used to going without supper... gonna dig out some food from my kitchen.

beautiful quote: The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love, and be loved in return.

2009-07-21T12:16:00.003+08:00

hello pple, please go to my lil' shop at http://hershoppe.livejournal.com to support! my friend sheryl and i are selling off things which we bought online and cannot fit... but rest assured they're really nice and we're selling them off only cos they can't fit us well. they're not worn or altered :)

I'm amused by a message in my facebook inbox...

Guy XX:
Hi,

I'm sorry but do i know you? you appear here in my facebook as "awaiting friend confirmation" but i don't remember having added you and i rarely forget a face... i'm truly sorry if i've forgotten u from somewhere.

Anyway, cute pictures of your niece there. Regards.

Fiane Lo:
Today at 12:55am

Hello,

You appear in my facebook under Friend Request. And it comes with this message:

"Hi, care if i add u as a fren? no worries, i'm just looking to know more ppl. ^^"

Not sure if you've added wrongly some time ago, but in any case, I've not confirmed the request as I don't recognise you either. :)

Cheers,
Fiane

Guy XX:
Today at 7:50am
Hi,

ah... now i remember... that was really embarrassing. so sorry about that. =(

Errr. okay. I have 68 friend requests waiting in my facebook now, and I don't know where all these pple come from! Some look like they're from India, Middle East, Japan, France, and some are girls too! Some of the foreign guys look hot but i seriously won't add them.. hahah. Any of u have the same encounter? Do pple just drop off friend requests everywhere and then forget about them subsequently? It's a funny world :)

2009-07-19T22:19:00.003+08:00

my family and friends have been keeping me company and sane over the past few days. :)

it made me see how blessed i am to have these pple care so much for me. and i'm also very fortunate that i'm suddenly getting calls from pple i haven't met in a long long time asking to catch up, all at this time, without them even knowing about what happened. times like this, i really believe that God exists and is watching over me.

wed was a nice little dinner with colleagues i haven't met in awhile, though i was so tired after work i was falling asleep. thurs was a quiet dinner with michy. fri was clubbing with the girls at butter. long time since i clubbed and really let my hair down. miss those drinking sessions of the past, getting drunk n having good laughs. we're already planning for next fri. i must get drunk this time! sat was ballet under the stars with ceci, a very crowded affair and the stage was soo far away but good performance nonetheless. it was followed by prawning n bbq-ing prawns till 3am! i was totally zombified. ceci was positively happy and excited about the prawning. we caught 15 prawns altogether!!! anw, thank u babe for accompanying me so much and being here for me when i most need it even though i've not been the best of friend in my opinion. appreciate it. :)

today was family time at my granny's, followed by going over to my auntie's house for a huge dose of my new baby niece, RACHEL! :) i love her name, and i really love her too. took so many photos of our baby princess and she was lovely and happy. feel so happy for bryan. although this was untimely and he'd need alot more time to settle in, i can already see that he has developed some fatherly qualities and i'm proud of him. can't help remembering those days when bryan was small and we grew up together for a good few years. i really took care of him and looked upon him as my baby brother. it's hard to believe how time flies and look at him now, a proud father. sigh i miss our childhood, yet again. feeling melancholic.

it's sunday night again. more catch ups to do next week. but it's gonna be a busy week ahead, esp with assignment deadline very soon. i haven't started! gasp.

2009-07-12T17:43:00.002+08:00

it's 5.45pm and i'm going out for dinner with my mum later but i'm already hungry beyond reason!! *rarrr* lunch was miserable today with only steamed fish and rice. i could eat a cow now.

june was a good break, with a generally nice trip to redang, albeit with some hiccups here and there and some unhappiness along the way. but no regrets going. finally went there with sheryl after so much talk and excitement both of us went thru since days from long ago. planning was rushed and flustered (and done by both of us as usual). june was a HOT time for trips like this so we were plain fortunate to have gone at all. i miss the swimming and riding waves with sheryl.

other updates...

i changed my hairstyle!! have straight hair with bangs now. my colleagues couldn't recognise me at first. like really couldn't recognise. my dear michy first thought i was an intern sitting at fiane's desk, and she bumped into me in the toilet and walked past. sheesh. received various comments, the funniest of all being "sailormoon". GAWD. and stupid junxiang (yes you!) couldn't recognize me at first and said i looked UGLY. sheesh. but i'm generally quite happy with my new hair. it's no longer as bone straight as the first few days and looks more natural now :)

on the work front, i'm gonna be burnt this july and august. one assignment deadline on 27 july, research presentation mid-august and another huge assignment deadline on 31 august. sobs and i've no idea how to do them. getting tougher and tougher.

and i'm rushing psych reports for my pupils now like no business. realised that i've completed my cases a tad toooo vigorously last semester, as i just spoke to fellow colleagues and realise that they don't pack so many cases in their school visits and hence they don't close their cases so soon. now i've 12 psych reports and 10 coming my way once i finish off the parents' feedback. my supervisor's breathing down my neck and all the schools are rushing me. i'm highly stressed. booo. some unhappiness encountered with my supervisor partly cos of this as well, making me feel rather blue over the past two weeks.

also in the midst of writing a proposal to propose some nationwide screening assessment process for dyslexia... and it's killing me seriously. damn tough to write and i'm stuck. so technical. have to report on all our research studies which were carried out over the past 2 years, stats (luckily got male colleague helping me), and the very technical stuff about literacy and language assessments. we're all just waiting for this proposal to finish up, so that we can hold a meeting with external parties. i'm seriously procrastinating this abit too long..... but i can't help it when i don't know how to write it. arghhhhh... and i really dunno whether this proposal will go through with the external party. really have alot of doubts about this assessment process... i'm not sure how ethical or even how valid this is..... but yet we are at the point of no return. and being at the bottom of the food chain, i can only advocate it even though i hardly believe in it. ironic?

okay enough about work!! feel super sianz especially on a sunday night... the monday is looming near and i really have nothing to look forward to in work anymore. very sad to say. all the paperwork and crazy workload is killing my motivation to help children... i must constantly keep myself on track. arghhh

anyway, i have two tickets to ballet under the stars for next sat. bought it under moe promotion and was super excited to go. was intending to go with him but things are going badly now... might sell the tix in the end. i really think it'd be a nice event. some things are just not fated.

ok i think my post is turning depressing again... gonna go have dinner soon. enjoy the rest of sunday evening :)

addictions

2009-06-11T23:04:00.003+08:00

i'm currently too hooked on online shopping (and offline too), and it's getting way out of control! i'm spending way above limit without realising it, until my room has absolutely no space to hold my clothes anymore and my credit card bill just came and i got a shock.

i'm receiving numerous parcels each week. i think last week i received over ten parcels and i was shocked at myself that i ordered them.. there was one day when 3 parcels arrived at the same time! some stuff i dun even remember having ordered but i did! half of these things i buy already and chuck one side without wearing.... but yet each time a website launches new clothes i can't resist this irresistable itch to buy! just one click!

gawd, it's bad. it's really bad. my wardrobe is not just cramped, it's stuffed to the max and bursting. so i've also resorted to putting my newly arrived clothes on my table, under the table, on my armchair, under my armchair. my bedroom is turning into a mini warehouse. it's so unlike my newly revamped room from half a year ago!

i calculated i spent at least 4 digits over the past two months on clothes.........

i have another addiction to confess....

i'm now super hooked on the lan game L4D! love it so much!! can never imagine myself playing lan game.... but here i am, i can play it 5 times a week!! damn fun to shoot zombies and monsters together with teammates la... need strategy and planning one. but spending quite abit of money visiting lan game shops too. i feel like a teenager when i enter those shops... hee hee.

anyway, i'm going to redang next week!! finally after so many years. revisiting the place which holds so many good memories. hopefully i'll still enjoy the great beach and snorkelling. :)

i'm officially on leave as of now! waited half a year for this. gonna savour every moment till hell starts again.

2009-05-24T22:44:00.003+08:00

i feel like slapping someone.

it's 11pm and my brother is playing drums at home.

i almost fainted when i came home today and saw the new drums set.

when he had the previous one, those days were dark and nightmarish. he'd play them in the middle of the night. i'd wake up from shock, unable to go back to sleep again, even when i had to work the next day. so when he sold it off a few months ago, life was suddenly beautiful once again.

my nightmare is now back to haunt me.

sometimes i hate him. hate him to the core. hate him for being him. hate being related to him in any way. if i had a choice i'd go to the other end of the universe. why does such a being exist? why was my childhood so darkened by him which caused so much repercussions to my growing up and adult years? of cos it's not just the drums. it's about everything. everything that goes way back.

2009-05-12T22:24:00.002+08:00

One of the most devastating things which could happen in a day is when...

you travelled home from nie craving for a good nap only to find that one of the main doors which has never been locked before is locked up, and u don't have the keys to it;

you pressed the doorbell and no one's home;

your handphone is totally flat;

your bladder is bursting;

you borrowed handphone from a maid you bumped into downstairs and even used up your coins in a public payphone to call all the numbers in your family that you can memorise and no one picked up;

you can't remember the numbers of those family members who might have a chance of picking up their phones;

the first and only person who picked up your call just went, "oh is it, then how..";

it was raining and you lent your umbrella to your colleague as you thought you wouldn't need it;

Sigh. It was just such a terrible day for me. Felt very much alone and helpless at that point in time. The thought of being locked out of my home again makes me shudder. I don't ever want to relive the experience again.

i jus want to crawl into bed and sleep now.

tearing apart

2009-04-30T15:54:00.003+08:00

in the office now but i need a 5 min quick vent.

i can't take it anymore. i feel like i'm failing miserably in terms of balancing my life and keeping things together.

why is it just so hard to prioritise and make everyone in my life feel happy? when i try to make time for this person, others will complain and when i make time for others, another person will get upset.

i only have 7 days a week and most of it is taken up by work. the rest of it is split amongst various pple in my life. work, ot, family, friends, him, gatherings, gatherings. when i can't attend just one gathering i get so frowned upon. there are still so many pple asking me to catch up with them and all which i haven't done so in awhile.

i don't even have a single moment for myself. i can't rem the last time i ever spent 5 mins reading a book or even watched a tv programme!! i haven't a moment to rest and my health is deteriorating so much. my body feels so tired because i can't slow down for even one day. the fainting episode scared me but even after that, i haven't had a chance to rest at all.

i'm trying very hard. really trying very hard to make time for every single person. but no one will ever be happy with me. wat i really wanna do now is to stop seeing everybody and just spend time alone at home doing everything i ever want to. just live for myself.

in this 5 minutes i'm really at the brink of craziness.
..........................................................................................................................

just had a chit chat with mich, one of my fav colleagues and i feel much better. sigh. back to work!

a waking call

2009-04-19T00:49:00.002+08:00

feeling a little melancholic and moody on this saturday night at home. but at the same time, getting a bit of rest by staying home, doing some work and surfing net. planning to read a book later.. or play some games. like just doing whatever i've always felt like. some ME-time.

still a bit shakened by yesterday's fainting incident. i really thought i'm getting better over the years, but the incident kinda shook me and slapped me in the face as a warning.

what happened was i just started feeling really giddy while i was along the hospital corridor waiting to see germaine and her baby. it was super hot and stuffy. it's the familiar wave of feeling of blacking out again, all too familiar. The world became very fuzzy and far - that's the last feeling i had.

And then i fainted and collapsed on the floor - apparently so because the next thing i knew, somebody was calling and shaking me, "Miss, are u ok?" repeatedly and i was thinking to myself, this is such a good, deep sleep.... just let me sleep... i was totally lulled over. but then the nurse managed to wake me up and i found myself sprawled on the ground in a sleeping position, squashing germaine's flowers under my buttocks no less, my colleagues crowded around me and their eyes all on me.

it was so humiliating and embarrassing. but most of all, it scared me.

what's happening to me? i know i'm very prone to blacking out. but i've never had an incident whereby i just literally dropped dead on the ground. However, i realised that the only difference is that in all the past incidents, i managed to lie down or lean back just in time when i was at the brink of blacking out or halfway through. This time, i was standing up and there's just nothing nearby to grab hold. Within seconds, it wiped me out.

the feeling was just surreal. it gave me a new perspective on death somehow. though this is qualitatively so much different from death of course, it gave me an insight of sorts, since they are similar in a sense that both has something to do with our consciousness. i now feel less afraid. i know there'd be no feeling at all. i won't even know it happened. i couldn't recall how i fell, i had no pain or suffering at all when i hit the ground.

i know it's a warning sign for my health. my body is too tired and drained. too spent. from work, from everything. i feel as if i've laboured for my job and i just keep giving and giving... it's taking too much a toll on me and it doesn't help that i don't get enough rest on weekends either. neither am i watching my diet nor doing any exercise. it's really bad. i know it is. i can feel something's wrong with my heartbeat even, but i don't even have the courage to do a checkup. i feel like changing everything, starting anew. i dunno how much damage i've done, but think it's not too late.

i just need loads of determination to change. where can i start?

of cats and their stuff

2009-04-08T00:05:00.002+08:00

i'm soooooo tired of doing lit reviews. it's my third or fourth within this year.

so tired staying up so late every night.

so i'm gonna tell a story to keep myself awake.

t'was a rather gross incident at the coffeeshop yesterday. mummy and i were just eating our dinner, and this cat lying quietly on the ground beside me suddenly went into spasms and started rolling around the ground.

and there was gooey sticky liquid spurting out of the cat!!!

ok it's definitely not pee cos you can judge from the consistency... and i couldn't see where it was spurting out from but i think i've a good idea now.

the cat suddenly recovered from its epilepsy and walked off, leaving the pool of gooey stuff there. and i noticed that it has a bulge in the stomach. maybe its water bag burst. omg.

anyway we were just very grossed out and shifted to another table. think my mum was screaming through it all cos the cat was just beside me. couldn't really find the appetite to eat after that. :(

March is the month of.....

2009-03-26T22:40:00.003+08:00

a) rainy days and gloomy weather
b) quizzes, quizzes and quizzes
c) projects and assignment deadlines
d) performance BONUS!

so it has been a month of hectic craziness and it feels like braving through the rain and storm going thru so much at work.

i just can't believe april is approaching, somebody pls tell me it's not true. this month just flew by in a wink! it reminds me of the show "click", time just slipped by without me being able to live in the moment, savour the days or smell the roses. it's as if waking up one day and finding myself at the end of march, not knowing where the time has gone. it's a scary feeling, a sense of loss.

managed to scrape 100% for two quizzes (yippee!) and made a mistake on the third quiz, thus having to do a recovery on 9 april. yes, the passing grade is 100% and the results are sent straight to my bosses for scrutiny: studying FOR work is a different playing field altogether. the quizzes are part of a long process of getting myself accredited for an impt cert. it's impt in the long run, anyway. shan't elaborate on this.

and i'm done with the project as well. i hate it. 5 more to go over the next several months.

the only hell left is the dreadful piece of assignment due on fateful monday. i'm on my first page... slowly but surely. i'm pulling my hairs out.

all these done on top of the canopy of work we have to carry out on top of the course. my four schools' cases, committee projects, national studies, reports, meetings, presentations.

the only saving grace which came out of all the shit in march is our performance bonus! my first without a proration or nominal grading. better than i expected to get... pretty contented. but come to think of it, i'm still severely underpaid, bonus or not. and they just announced a civil service-wide pay cut. this sucks.

i'm planning to do my assignment till 1am. been slacking for the past 2 hrs since i reached home from work. really braindead and would rather go on blogging brainlessly than slogging over the assignment..

long hiatus

2009-03-12T18:09:00.002+08:00

it's been a long time since i last blogged.

in a way, i'm still grappling with the beginning of this new year, and i just can't believe that it's already march and it still feels like a brand new year. it's already tainted by the happenings over three months, but sometimes i still get the feeling that last year and this year is just an overlapping realm and i can't draw the line between them.

anw, my dec hols was marked by house painting and my bedroom re-org. was really quite happy with everything... all the furniture shopping at ikea for my family, fixing up the cupboards and shelves tog, painting the whole house tog, painting my room in lilac, n adding little pieces to my room. for that brief moment in time, i was brought closer to my parents and they were brought closer to each other.

as i always say, happiness is transient. with the new year, everything fell back into place both at home and work and the magic of holidays is all but a remnant of memory. it's back to work for me and extreme stress. i can feel the higher expectations and pressure on us this year as we become a lil more senior.. more leadership roles, more independence in casework, more conceptualisation type of work. the strain of the course is taking a toll on us finally: tons of research, thousands of words to submit every 3months, projects, fieldwork, quizzes with 100% as passing mark. and i can safely verify that the course is but 10% of the work we do.

so i've had enough of overtime and nights in office, and i'm so glad to be home early this whole week. the work is still there, waiting for my clearance, but i've just made the choice that i need to keep my sanity.

on the home front, things are not going well. ironically, home is my sanctuary when i return from work but sometimes when i'm at home and bad things happen in the family, i just want to get outta here.

at times i think back to my life from the beginning, and run through my life in sequence. at which point did things in my family crystallize to this state? what was the trigger, if any, or was it a slow gradual process? were we doomed from the start when my parents were married, or when we were born, and were we definitely heading this way and nothing else could have changed history? is it only certain family members deciding our fate or is it the dynamics of the family as a whole?

i think i've surrendered. there's simply more questions to answers life can provide, and answers won't always make a difference anyway. just loads of disappointment lately with the pple in my life.

and when all else fails, food never. i've been eating with a vengeance and it really makes me feel happy. satiated. my sanity is seriously held on by food hunts on weekends or snacking at home. i'm currently on one of my steak phases and i just can't get the craving out of my mind! it was so bad i ate steak for both lunch and dinner on sat. and had it again yesterday. the steak at seletar airbase is just great! abit costly but very good.... the taste is lingering at the back of my brain. and i miss the spicy chicken wings there. there are like 30 levels of spiciness level u can choose from but level 1 is just nice for me. damn good! anyone knows of good steak places pls pls pls recommend me or jio me! i'm always on the lookout!

and i have this thing for buffets and i just can't wait to go for the next one... the way i gorge on food and dun gain weight my friends all think there must be a giant worm/snake swimming in my stomach. i've no idea why too but i'm just very very happy to eat. it's dinner time, gonna makan!

flightless bird, american mouth

2008-12-23T13:30:00.006+08:00

The movie twilight was a disappointment compared to the book.. i don't even want to go into the acting. But i'm in love with the theme song....

Flightless bird, American mouth

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big pill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat
Cursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Kissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big pill, stuck going down

The lyrics are both perplexing and interesting.. nobody knows what exactly it means but it seems to refer to a lost America, starting with the childhood memories of a boy who has grown up and found himself alienated (thus flightless) in a world of politics, rivalry and greed. The metaphor of the mouth and "sore blunt tongue" seems to imply something about being voiceless or helplessness...

The tune and music are enchanting.. a seemingly pure and fairytale-like song with deep underlying meanings.. when i first heard it, it reminded me of carnivals and carousels.. very aptly chosen for the twilight prom dance scene. though the lyrics may not be so apt, the whole beauty of the song itself fits in perfectly.

a very rare nice song... sad indeed, but the music makes it almost happy.

a nightmarish surgery

2008-12-02T10:27:00.003+08:00

I had a wisdom tooth surgery yesterday, and it was such a terrifying experience. my first encounter with a surgery of any kind. albeit a small one, it gripped me way before the day itself.

the whole experience made me really tired and limp.. and i have slept for 12 hours since. i still feel numb and tired. for someone who can faint from a small injection, it's a feat to be alive now. i'm glad i'm on a 5 day mc.

let me recount the process...

the night before, the fear has built up. i tossed and turned and slept 3 hrs. that morning itself, i was replaying the whole process of the surgery as i know it in my head.

when i reached the clinic, i knew i had to face the music. i still couldn't believe i was going to be cut with a surgical knife. the dentist tried making small talk with me... he said, oh since u're a psychologist, you should be fine, can psycho yourself!

i was thinking, fat hope. i know how chicken shit i was. but i was hoping that the dentist wouldn't have to find that out.

he gave me an ultra strong 24 hr painkiller pill to eat first. then he gave me two or three very very painful anaesthetic injections with his metallic 30cm long syringe which i had already encountered during my wisdom tooth extraction in march. this, i was brave enough to last through.

then i fainted.

while on his dental chair no less. at first i thought i was on GA, though i had opted for LA. but the familiar wave of giddiness and sleepiness lulled me over, and i had went through this too many times to not be able to recognise i'm passing out. everything became far and distant. and soon my body gave way.

from far away, i heard the dentist saying something to me. it suddenly registered as, lift your head up to put this cloth underneath. at this time he didn't know i blacked out. i heard him say it over and over again. but my eyes could not open. i couldn't respond. i mustered lots and lots of strength n energy to finally say something coherent like, i.. think i... ...black out....

he quickly lowered my seat to a sleeping position and let me rest for 5 mins before he started the procedure. he clipped a pulse monitor on my thumb and we could hear my heart beating on the monitor so we'd know if i fainted again.

then the real thing started, but not before he covered up my whole head except for my mouth.

i know how the procedure is like. and i could really feel each step happening although i couldn't feel the pain or see anything. first, he was cutting through my gums with a knife. it was quite fast. then he was drilling through my embedded tooth, cutting it up into smaller pieces. this took some time, and it was loud, like construction work. my head rocked with the drill. then he was using something to remove the pieces of teeth inside my gums. i could feel him tugging at them forcefully, like a premature extraction. when all the pieces were pulled out, i could feel him using some thread to sew up the wound. this took some time as well. i kept thinking of him stitching me up and i wanted to faint again.

i felt sick to the core.

and then it ended. my whole left face felt so utterly numb and swollen. there's so much blood and anaesthetic gel all over my mouth.

although the painkiller was supposed to last me 24 hrs, i could feel severe throbbing pains 2 hours after the surgery. when the LA was still working, and my mouth was all numb. the pain took me by surprise, and i popped two panadols. it was a horrible feeling. it was so painful i cried. the wound kept bleeding and i had to keep putting cotton gauze.

the worst was when i had to eat and drink. i had to shove my food (liquid diet..) to the right side, and try to swallow it that way (doctor's instructions). i was so afraid of letting the food touch the wound as it hurts, and i dun want it to get infected. when i drank, the water nearly electrocuted my wound. any tiny bit of movement of my jaw and the tongue triggered some pains. whenever i opened my mouth a bit too wide, i felt as if the stitch was snapping apart. having a stitch wound inside the mouth is no joke at all.

i took one whole hour to eat some plain porridge and mashed potato, and swallow all my medication. i couldn't brush my teeth even as i couldn't stretch my lips. i had to rinse my mouth with some antiseptic wash after each meal.

i finally had the courage to look at my wound and saw that it has thick black stitches on it. urghhh. doc says the swelling is going to go up around day 3 or 4.. and bruises may appear on my cheek.

this is just such a terrifying and surreal experience. the wound feels slightly better now, some aches here and there but i hope the throbbing pain won't come back. i really hope i can survive this week of eating and taking care of my wound. i just dun wanna get any infection or complication.. i can't go through another ordeal. urghh.. two more wisdom teeth to go. i really dun wanna go through it anymore...

i wonder when's the next time i can eat something proper like meat, bread, or biscuits. i just pray for a fast recovery.