the prison of the present

what an apt term for the exact situation i'm in.

i feel that i'm mentally trapped. i know that for these two semesters i've not been myself.. and i've often been preoccupied.. often swinging between moods, sometimes getting depressed even. i'm not sure what i'm doing.. i'm not even sure of myself. i'm constantly worried.. especially now that it's the second sem and my very last one in uni, the tension and turmoil within myself is escalating. and yes, it's the issue of the cap once again.

i dunno for how long i'm gonna be bogged down by this. i just know it's gonna affect me for the longest time ever. at least till i grad or even a little while longer. i've been stressing myself up, pressuring myself to get a second upper. i'm only 0.07 away. it's near, but still far. one monster in me keeps telling myself, i gotta get it. gotta try.. gotta do anything i can. i'm so near.. dun give up. i've worked hard for 3 yrs.. dun let it all go down the drain. do it while i still can. but another monster in me says, is this all worth it? is it worth stressing myself up like this? life isn't all bout grades and achievements. it's more impt being happy, and smelling the roses along the way isn't it? why can't i just let go? give myself a break. then the other monster will be like.. it's the last chance u'll ever have.. dun give up on yourself.

gosh.. i sound like some schizo. i know i'm mentally tortured. and i know it's nothing good for me. i really really gotta relax. gotta let go of the past.. forget that horrid semester when everything went down the drain. the semester without which, i'd already have gotten a second upp. i gotta learn how to forgive myself, accept myself and my limits.

but the horror of the present. how i hate whatever i'm studying.. how i hate some psych students sometimes, for being so damn smart, so damn kiasu, arrogant and wateva. everyone's fighting for the few As, openly doing whatever they can.. i know i can't blame them. i just can't help feeling how i can't climb up their ladder.. how i can't catch up no matter how i try. it's a cruel world out there. rat race. brings out the ugly side of pple, even myself.

how i just wish i can go back to pre-honours days. when i simply enjoyed what i studied, took everything in stride, just had quiet confidence in myself, and actually did quite well. now i'm constantly stressed out... no longer studying the material cos i'm interested in them (but really, the courses in honours are shit), and i seem to be always keeping view of grades, grades, and grades. i hate studying this way. i hate it. i hate the prison of the present i'm trapped in.

i know my philosophy in life is to be happy. as simple as that. and even this, i can't do for myself now. i thought i'd have already learnt life's big lesson. with the senseless deaths of a couple of friends, relatives and friends' or neighbours' families over these few yrs, i thought i'd try to treasure life and the pple around me, instead of letting my cap issue take over my life. i'm sorry to my loved ones.. for not being myself lately. esp to thong, who has to listen to my troubles, and cryings even.

but does anyone understand the dilemma i'm facing? the stress of getting a gd degree, gd honours.. esp if u know how hard i've worked for so many semesters, my expectations and how near i am already. i've done well for every single semester but one. am i doing myself justice? but now i need a miracle to be able to do it. and i'm beginning to wonder if it's all worth it. shld i just let go? and enjoy life from now? i really dun wanna remain so miserable, being stuck in this senseless pursuit. yet i can't seem to let go.