My last post

After lots of deliberation, I've decided to stop blogging on this space.

It's sad to leave, really, after 4 years' worth of memories and stories. It has gone through with me through ups and downs, allowing me to rant as I wish, and served me well when I needed a listening ear the most.

The choice to abandon it came up because of personal reasons.. Let's just say that a very insecure and over-cautious (yet intuitive) me has this need to assure myself that my deepest and innermost thoughts and feelings are not revealed to someone who is not welcome to them. I'm not referring to any of my friends whom I had willingly shared my blog with or even to any of you readers-strangers out there who had so well-meaningly read and encouraged me along the way. I really appreciate all of that!

I know that some of you have blogs of your own and may want to share them with me, and some of you may even have words for me still... You can feel free to reach me personally at my email, bluebliss@hotmail.com, as long as you're a sincere reader.

Farewell, to my beloved blog, and so long =)

It's great to have a few days off work and spend time with the family. Non-stop feasting and sleeping... really needed the rest.

Yesterday, Ethan came over and he was in a good mood. Waved to me and just before he left, he came into my bedroom and jumped onto my bed... snuggled there for awhile and i went to sit with him on my bed. Then, the most wonderful thing happened. He gave me a big, long hug and pulled me down to lie with him for awhile. He was smiling from ear to ear. It was like a miracle to me =)

Today I went over to his place. We could hear his screams on the third floor, and went up to see what's going on. Apparently, he was having tummy ache, and was rolling around, kicking and crying in agony, hitting and biting himself, and not only that, he kept trying to pinch us, grab us and kick us. He bit my cousin's toe until it bled. It was so heartpain seeing him in this agony. 2 - 3 adults had to grab hold of his limbs to stop him from hurting himself and others. Sometimes, I think I would never have the courage to pull through having a kid with ASD. I know he would never have what other children would have for a childhood. But I wish for him happiness, pure innocent joy.

A beautiful quote I came across...

"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."

And I know, I'm afraid of tossing that coin. Because I don't wish to find out what I'm hoping for deep inside.

My first escargot experience.. Never too late to try new things, food especially. I learnt to eat abalone only when I was 20. And became so in love with it. Also recently tried foie gras by a very friendly old french chef. I think I'd love it if given a bit more time!

New year spells abalone! Lots and lots of it, but never enough. Only the good ones are worth eating. I like them plain, sliced just of the right thickness, straight outta the can!

Went to Macau and back. Very nice CNY lighting and ambience =) I miss travelling...

Me and Jiaying on the swing at Ethan's house today... Some happy sisterly times. I have soooo few cousins who are girls or near my age.. there's like 20 boys and 5 girls. thus CNYs are rather boring affairs for me at relatives' places. I'm like the 4th youngest on my mum's side, and Jiaying is the youngest. The other 20 cousins are all older than me and 90% married. I'm the only one of my age whenever we go visiting.. When I was young I was pampered and spoilt by them cos i was the youngest for a longgg time, but no one bothers about me now. They only ask me when they can stop giving me ang baos?

I wore a cheongsum top which I got rather last minute but happy that it arrived before CNY. Hate my hidden eyelids which folds under and the double lids are only visible when I look down. It's a nightmare putting eyeliner. I've invested sooo much $$ on good eyeliners but nothing, absolutely nothing works on me. ARGH!

I've made a decision... a decision I'm not happy with but I know is the only right way to go and would make me happier in the long run. I finally know why decisions are so tough. They are tough because you can only choose one path. You choose it and you live with it, regret it whatever, but you walk it through. There's no option of trying out two paths at the same time and choosing the better one, there's no turning back time and choosing the other path halfway through, there's no way of knowing how it will turn out should you choose the other path. You can only make the best out of the road you take and hope it turns out fine =)

i can't wait to get my hands on this bobbi brown make-up palette!!

it has everything i really need and want now... a good blusher(s) (gosh, all my blusher containers' lids have dropped off!), good and lasting lip gloss (my friends swear by bobby brown lip glosses), nice shades of eyeshadows, and an eyeliner. pretty much on-the-go! was quite surprised to see that it's only retailing at $75. that's like... around the cost of my chanel sunblock and just abit more than my lancome lipgloss??!

this is the cover...

the inside...

i'm so gonna get it after the bobbi brown workshop on wed =)

strangely relaxing sunday. it feels almost therapeutic to catch up with little silly things like uploading ALL my photos, organizing them finally, smiling at family shots, upgrading my iphone software FINALLY (yippee!! my itunes actually started up on its own this time), having a simple meal at home in the presence of my family, doing lots of online shopping and selling, all these whilst listening to oldies.

i'm now going to read a book on the bed and eat the snickers my friend gave me... couldn't bear to eat it and she said i'm so silly and she'll buy me more next time! i'm just lacking a nice cup of hot tea in a rose teacup. really want to own a nice set next time.

the morning after a good sleep last night, felt good and not so good at the same time.

we're two persons, of worlds apart.

trying very hard, too hard maybe, to be together.

we've tried for 3 years, to change things, improve ourselves, learn from lessons, be a better partner. but we are who we are, sometimes there's just no right or wrong.

and i find it so hard, to love everything about you, and love everything and everybody in your life, cos there's just so many of them.

and if love means giving up my life, who i am, to fit myself into your life, and everything and everybody in your life, to be waiting all the time, then i would rather not.

and i would think that if love means all the above mentioned on my part, then maybe there's no love on your part for me.

maybe i'm still selfish, or maybe i still don't love enough. but i have given alot. and this is the most i can give, and i have tried too hard and long. too too much.

and lately i've been thinking, some things just cannot be forced. if it's not meant to be, i can't make it be.

if unhappiness, uncertainty and bitterness still cloud over us, is it time to let go after so long?

the feeling is bittersweet. but i do not want bittersweet, i want sweetness. i'm willing to give everything to make things better, but i'm already by far convinced that this is all on my part only. and so i do not want anymore.

lots of wishful thinking. really, on my part. wistful, hopeful, a silly little girl with tiny dreams. but now i'm almost ready to surrender, lacking that bit of courage as again.

what can i do?

Say hello to the world!

It was a moment of joy for the family today as we met our new additions - my baby niece and nephew twins!!

Contrary to popular guesses within the family of who might come out first, the one who beat the other to it was our big sister, weighing 2.1kg, in what i think was the best captured pose of entering the world -- arms flailing in excitement/trepidation, face cringed in horror, legs outstretched -- this girl sure knows what she's getting herself into!

Then came our little brother... ironically the bigger and stronger one at 2.6kg. A certain measure of fiery there too, I suppose. Well, it's the family of four tigers! Quite bloody cos it was a caesarean birth... wait till you look at pictures of my cousin's naval. According to accounts from mr. cousin, blood was spurting out! Gawddd.

The two babies are sweet and sound. So cute and angelic... i heart. Sleeping side by side, sister and brother, inseparable before birth, inseparable at birth, and hopefully for the rest of their lives to come.

The wonder of new lives never cease to amaze me. The beauty of life and the love of mothers to be able to go through so much pain, is simply amazing. I've always loved babies, that pure, innocent state of being, created by their parents' love and nothing else. It makes me feel like there is so much to give, so much to look forward to in a whole new life to come.

I asked my cousin whether she was scared before entering the operating theatre. She said she wasn't at all, cos there's nothing to be scared about since she's going to go through it anyway. She even went for supper last night! I seriously salute her and admire her courage. Maybe love pulls you through everything.

It's gonna be so wonderful having twins in the family!! Other than the fact that I have to buy everything in twos that is... but I'm just sooo looking forward to playing with them, carrying them in turns and stuff. Watching them grow up even... gosh I'm so auntie-ish. But I've always been close to my cousin and have waited soooo long for these babies to arrive, I can't contain my excitement =)

But gone will be the days when we go for Sunday shopping with the mums, or go for a short trip somewhere, or have tea in the afternoons... somehow, i feel a tinge of guilty sadness, that my cousin won't be my cousin alone anymore, she will be a mother WITH two kids all the time! And now, I feel regret over the times I turned her down for Sunday shopping due to other commitments... We'll no longer have those times again. But I think what I can look forward to is a different kind of joy, such as spending time with the babies at her place. =)

We lived tog when I was young and kind of grew up tog... she took care of me and acted like my big sister cos she's much older than me.. I just seriously can't get used to her being tied down to a family. But still, I'm enormously happy for her and hubby, who's been trying for babies for such a long time and had to go thru much pains to get their wish. It's so good for them that this is happening!

I love them so much, already =))

I haven't seen my parents this whole week... cos each day i leave home at 7am+ when mummy's still sleeping and dad's out jogging/marketing, and come home at 11, 12 at night when they've gone to bed. Feel a bit guilty, as if I'm treating the house like a hotel at times.

Increasingly these few months, I cease to see them for full weeks consecutively, since I'm seldom home on weekends too. We've stopped really having meals tog, save for occasions/festives. Sometimes I feel like i'm a terrible daughter.. and I don't know how to make up for it. =( And it's real ironic that I actually miss them right now, though they're sleeping in the next room, just behind the wall I'm facing.

I still wanna go for that family trip I've been thinking of.. but I don't know how to make it work and come true.

At times my mum will exclaim, daughters are never really yours, they'll become someone else's one day. And sometimes it feels a little sad... I never want to leave their side.

The rocky horror show was great... fun, sexy and hilarious. shall i add, real sexy with an oomph! been a long while since i've caught a play/musical and i miss these, really. still can rem corinne may's xmas concert fresh in my head, which was fantastic.. phantom of the opera from years ago, and the locally produced ones like dim sum dollies and beauty world.. all so long ago!!

Just went to catch a comedy thriller.. it turned out to be quite scary, so I came home a bit scared. Each night, the thing i dread doing most is to turn off the lights, esp those in the living room cos the windows are facing the vast, dark park... brr.

I'm dreading a lot of things right now.. dunno why but having a major emo episode all of a sudden and don't feel like turning in. another day of work tmr, then l4D at night with colleagues.

Jan is the month of decision makings.. and sometimes you feel like you're neither here nor there.

The year past and the year ahead

X'mas was a heartwarming affair at my big aunt's place. It was sweet of her and mummy to prepare so much food for so many guests. I love my aunt, and I miss her alot nowadays.. Nice meeting my newborn baby niece for the first time and cuddling her in my arms... she was like a little cute mouse! And dinner with Kai's family was nice too.. though we waited 2 hrs for the crabs =)

The family has got rooms at Merchant Court tomorrow, and we're getting to see fireworks!! *excited*

How i love half-days. Esp after a Thursday like today, a mad whirl of rush again. A prelude to the new year of WORK. Did a presentation today, went quite smooth. Just relieved it's over.. but I've done so many this year I'm getting used to it. I'm still in a holiday mood and soooo reluctant to move forward, stuck in an inertia and hate the fact that work is pouring in. Same two teams, more projects, more schools, and we're adding service quality standards to our work. They're gonna track how much time we spend in school, on each assessment and consultation, how fast we complete each case or respond to schools' requests...can u believe it?! ARGH

But before ALL of that, I'm gonna have my weekend, short as it is.

2010 hadn't been really good to me..

Fell sick umpteen times this year, health condition was really poor. Worst case of cough! Some other health issues too which haven't really been settled, dragging on to next year where I hope they may turn for the better? Fingers crossed, i'm praying. Terrible year of work, work and work. Was upset and stressed, though at times I've also learnt to let go. Ups and downs in my personal relationships. I think there's other stuff but my mind has effectively blocked them out.

Of cos, there were the good times as well. A few short trips this year to unwind.. though my male colleague would make fun of me mercilessly, about my Batam/Bintan trips while he goes to Belgium, and while I go to places like Malacca/Macau he goes to Mexico, and I go to Hong Kong while he goes to Hellas (greek word for Greece). Arghhh i swear my colleagues are all damn rich! But i'm contented with what I had. Things were more stable this year too, and I spent several precious weekends. I enjoyed picking up yoga/body combat too!

Looking ahead to 2011, i'm a little afraid...

I fear turning 27. I really can't imagine inching towards the big 3 so so closely.. Sometimes I jolt up in the middle of the night, with sudden realization that I'm 26.5, and fear grips me. I admit I'm really afraid of growing up and turning old -- not that I fear the age alone -- but I fear that my mental and emotional age is unable to catch up with my chronological age, and I fear that life is passing me by so quickly, and I'm unable to catch up with the milestones that years ago, I thought I would have attained/would be attaining by now/soon. I fear being unable to do anything about my career and find something that I really wanna do and really like, and before I know it, I'll be middle aged. OMG. I swear I feel more like I'm 23 or 24 right now, and I feel as if given my life situation/current milestones, that's the age I'm living in.

it's a scary feeling indeed. but yet, i look forward to 2011, with a (slight) thirst to embrace certain things in a wistful way. I hope that I'll be able to figure out my life in the coming year. And that really about sums up everything.

I saw a friend's pictures on facebook, a gd friend whom I've lost touch with years ago. Her face was a picture of pure happiness and joy, untainted. I rem her as someone who's always smiling and laughing off everything. Her happiness is infectious, even through a picture. It fascinates me, how one can be blessed with such goodness and joy.

I wish for such happiness, and I think everyone deserves and can have it, if they can love a bit more, and allow themselves to be loved a bit more.

last friday we brought ethan to marina bay sands, cos he loves being by the river. he was so cute and happy that day.. smiling at us, shaking our hands and laughing at xmas lights.

i think i seldom get to spend time with ethan and my big aunt.. so i truly cherish that rare day out with them.

sometimes it's heartbreaking to see my aunt growing old, and being kept so tired by the kids..

if there's anyone else i love other than my parents, it would be my aunt. she raised me up when i was young, and was a mother in my eyes. i could remember her feeding me porridge by the spoonful, and i wasn't an easy baby to feed at all! i would puke all the veg out, and i would take like 1 or 2 hrs to finish up my food.

my aunt didn't have an easy life.. i rem she lived frugally to raise up her 3 kids, my cousins. there's a particular memory i have of my aunt, which pains me very much. i was very young then, probably 4.. i was staying with her in malaysia. she had been looking around to take care of babies for some time, to earn some income. one day, she received a call from a neighbour, who was referring someone with a newborn and would like to look for a nanny. i remember that for that afternoon, she held my hand and we walked down several streets, terrace after terrace of houses, to look for that lady's house. we never found it. and we walked home, downcast.

at that very young age, i understood my aunt's frugality and pains. whenever the lorry with groceries and meat came round our house, i would ask my aunt's mother-in-law to pay for the meat, in teochew. i refused to let my aunt pay for anything.

then there were those times when she brought me to see the doctor, or the dentist, on the bus. and at night, together with her, i would prepare the bed for my little cousin. I had to lay pieces of plastic sheets all over his mattress, as he still peed at night.

now that my aunt's children have all grown up, she has to take care of my cousin's kids. ethan has autism and it really isn't easy taking care of him at all... he can't speak at all and would hit himself when in pain. so my aunt's life hasn't been easy even at this age when she should be enjoying life..

feel so emo suddenly..

i spent a good sunday with mummy today too.. we went to look for curtain fabrics.

it was a good family+kai weekend.... =)

I was at such a romantic, dreamy, near-perfect wedding last night.

The venue was held at Capella in Sentosa, a quiet colonial style hotel atop a gentle hill. It was surrounded by lush greenery. The interior -- soft orange lighting, high wooden doors and ceiling, beautiful walls and victorian rose stands. The two video monitors were so sharp and vivid, unlike many blurred flimsy screens I've seen at other weddings.

The bride's gown was almost perfect.. it was light and fluffy with soft flutters.. simple, classy and nothing elaborate. the only thing to pick on is perhaps that the train was a little too short in my opinion.

A band was singing love songs throughout the night -- and their singing was actually good and helped to set the atmosphere right. just simple classic tunes, nothing cheesy..

And most importantly, what made the wedding so memorable was the love that came through and swept through the hall so obviously.. the way the couple gazed at each other, the way they kissed naturally without any discomfort and uneasiness, the very meaningful and sincere speeches that made so many tear at various points. And how so many people could provide testimonials to their deep bond and so obviously share their joy. This is one of those marriages which I'm sure would last a lifetime.. the respect and commitment for each other was so easily witnessed in the couple.. and I'm so happy for her, who is a very sweet girl indeed.

The wedding was also very well organized and planned. I was surprised when there were like about 8 ushers waiting for guests at the entrance of Capella when Kai dropped me off.. and a lady even walked me down the hall. Emcees were eloquent in both English and Mandarin -- again a very rare encounter. Guests were all well dressed, guys all came in suits, and many ladies in gowns or long dresses. I felt so under-dressed.. =( Overall, it was an unhurried affair and everyone actually looked happy on a sunday night.

Gosh this is like a dream wedding for many girls, but most of us can only be wistful, given the bomb it would cost to host it like this.

Just back from HK on Sat night.. too much to say, will blog another time. In a nutshell, it was a fantabulous trip and i wish i never came back.... =(

Had a reasonably good weekend except for the huge-ass ulcer which took away all the fun from eating, my biggest pleasure =(

We had free gold class tickets so we went to watch harry potter on sat night. It was the first time we tried! The seat was too comfy for my own good... i fell asleep at a few points during the show, lol. love such reclining armchairs and i'm so gonna get one of these in my future home. they gave us blankets too and i reclined almost all the way down so it was more conducive for sleeping than anything else! having said that, i don't understand how anyone would pay $36 to catch a movie on a bed.

Learnt how to play poker today... had such a bad streak of luck that i only hit on one or two rounds =( but i didn't lose much cos i earned back like $30 in one of the rounds! think the boy is so looking forward to poker in macau.. speaking of which, it's 1 week to HONG KONG! my fav land of food and shopping -- before i ever set foot in europe that is, which i'm sure would become my fav someday. i need to plan the itinerary!

need to save lots of money.. lots and lots of money... for vacation, shopping, other stuff. but it's so hard to save up if you don't invest! looking forward to the year end bonus, although half of it will be gone to premiums and the other half possibly xmas shopping n stuff.... but well, better than nothing and i should be thankful that we're even getting =)

i'll prob not get monday blues tmr cos it's 5 more work days to vacation, and the work is a little teeny weeny lesser in the school hols. hot yoga tmr after work!!

nites!