it's public holiday!! so glad for the break... =)))

mummy is the best! last night, she took out a splinter from my finger which was torturing me the whole evening! it was so darn small, but damn sharp and embedded in such a way that i couldn't squeeze it out. touching it was hideously painful. but my mummy took a sharp needle and with some careful maneuvering, managed to poke the thing and pluck it out! i wouldn't have been able to do it on my own! the pain was gone immediately and my skin healed up =)

then this morning, she helped me to wash what must have been a mountain of new clothes... accumulated over weeks and weeks! i was just too lazy to wash recently.. i can finally wear them! and i finally brought my too big clothes to the tailor this morning to alter, and helped mummy buy groceries.

when i came home, mummy brewed chicken herbal soup with scallops and made me drink two bowls!! feel super pampered now. she asked me to stay at home more often so that she can brew more herbal soups for me. haha.

my parents are going china next week with my aunties. i'm so happy for them! it's been like a decade since my parents travelled together... and i'm just so glad they're taking a good break together. =))

i did a very impulsive thing this morning. :( my determination to save up and be thrifty has been going so well until i saw the kate spade sale and... my fingers were so itchy.. i bought a bag. arghhh why why why?!?! but, good news is, we're getting mid-year bonus!! yay! but i was actually being very good already. instead of buying the one i really really like, which would set me back by a further $90, i bought the one i like, which is slightly more within budget. sighhh dunno whether i'll regret. anyway, the one i got is a big floral print bag... bright colours with big flowers. i'm so into summer prints lately, all my clothes now are summer prints!! i really hope i won't regret and that the real bag will be nice!!

anyway, i've finally booked my holiday to krabi! never been there before and wonder if it's nice.... heard it's monsoon season now though... boohoo. looking forward to all the swimming, beach, thai food, highly raved banana pancakes, sand and sea, floral dresses!!

waiting for my mask to dry now.. my complexion is so terrible nowadays that i dunno what to do about it!!

it looks really dull without make-up.... today i went to work without make-up (super brave!) and a few colleagues asked whether i'm sick or something... die... i think i looked like zombie and scared everyone off without my make-up on.. that's how bad it is!

something juicy happened at the workplace today.... during a break at the morning professional development session, one of the psychologists suddenly screamed and shouted at another colleague, and stomped out of the room.. all of us froze, including my bosses!! they just glared at her and their eyes looked about to pop out! we had over some external guests and they were equally stunned as well... super awkward la....

i think a workplace full of psychologists can be really wonky at times. some of the psychologists are really eccentric people.. and i mean, really eccentric. nothing surprises us anymore. we have people who would start scolding people if they don't get a set of materials at a meeting, or scold people openly if instructions are not followed to the tee, even heard that one of the psychologists ever thrown a chair or desk at a colleague in the office cos he was angry!!

can be quite scary sometimes working with them... must always be careful in saying things cos they will nit pick everything u say... single words can be picked out for a debate! and these said colleagues are people i have to work rather closely with.... darn.

i'm quite afraid of making presentations to fellow colleagues at my workplace... they're really the worst people to ever present to, because they're just so picky and perfectionistic that i must make sure everything i present is sound and professionally correct and well-evidenced. in contrary, i think i feel much better presenting to schools and external people...

sigh such is the life in my workplace.. super high stress, drive everyone nuts... think everyone's going siaoo already.

finally, finally watching ip man tmr!! i hope.. and going to hatched next week.. finally =)

i was on leave today for a rest... really glad for the long weekend. always dreamt of taking one day off to take a break.. the last time i took leave was dec, feels so long ago but yet like only recently.. anw june break is confirmed and i'm looking forward to it. just dunno where i'm going yet...

right now i'm having a splitting headache and i'm just feeling super sianz.. i dunno why..

i managed to do quite abit of stuff i've wanted to in a long time over the weekend...

gone for facial, done shopping, ate nando's, watched lots of dvd (finally watched ip man 1), caught a movie, ate crayfish hor fun, went to vivo to shop, can't rem what else.

but something is still missing... i dunno what it is.

i still dun feel happy, dun feel fulfilled. somehow it is alot harder for me to get really excited or happy about anything nowadays.. like everything is just really anything to me.. i got no more preference, no more plans.

is it the culmination of being sick and tired for very long? i told someone that i feel very sianz nowadays all the time... i'm not sure it's the kind of life i want to live. but what other choices are there? i find my mood always swinging.. happy one moment and then easily sad the next.

i feel like i'm bumming around and not making good use of time... like even though i did stuff i've always wanted to, i feel like i didn't do them really happily and didn't really enjoy them.

dunno what's happening to me.. maybe i got hormonal disorder or something.. super sianz..

It's the first time i finished eating dinner and feel absolutely HUNGRY! *rarrrs*

I wanna eat but there's nothing at home that i wanna eat. my bro wiped out the chips i bought from jb. sobs.

I only realised today that lisa ono was here in town to hold a concert on labour day, and i can't quite believe that i missed it. i've been waiting eons for her to come and there, i've missed my once-in-an-eon chance. sianz. i want her new album.

does anybody know how to deal with dogs who bite their owners? figo has been biting everybody and it's so scary. i dun dare to touch him anymore =( will going to an obedient school help? or any medication to tame him? kai's mum was so sad when he bit her. it's really like biting the hand which feeds u. sigh, if we dun do something to stop it, he might be put to sleep one day!! so if anyone knows any strategy, pls let me know.

i still feel sad. dunno how things can change and whether they will change and if they do, will the changes last? i feel so sianz that i dun wanna expect anything and dun want any promises.

tmr's gonna be a super longggg and sianz day when i gotta be a facilitator to a group of 20 adults and act like their tour guide except that this tour guide also got to stimulate them to think and reflect and discuss. sianz.

i just pray my leave will be approved. sigh.

the worst feeling in the world is being misunderstood.

i had such a bad friday at work that i cried twice in the office. i hate it how i'm always slow in finding my defenses at points of confrontation, how i'm always only able to process my thoughts and reaction after which, when it no longer matters. i hate it how i hate to justify or explain myself, but how if i don't, i can't take it lying down.

this is the first time i cried over work not due to utter stress and misery, but due to a feeling of helplessness and inability to explain myself, and hurt by the utter reality that it even happened and the kind of insinuation implied.

it makes me feel so tired, over and above the jadedness i already feel. it makes me feel like stopping to try anymore. what am i? someone who slogs behind the scenes without credit given. is it really just a game of visibility like so many colleagues have warned me? i hate it so much. why people who make themselves "seen" and "heard" such as sending emails to the whole office at 10pm or keeping bosses in the cc in everything they do, just wipe out all the credit? those who are so diplomatic and bootlickers who plaster smiles all over their faces and then talk behind people's backs, does it mean they are better at their work?

and for what it's worth, i don't even care about being given recognition or credit. i don't need people to know that i work late, hence i don't need to send emails at 10pm even though i work late perpetually all the time which nobody would know anyway because i'm usually the only one or two left and my office is separate from my superiors and bosses. yes, i'm given a shit pile of work in my humble opinion, so i whine and complain to friends but i'm resigned to it and i still work my ass off. i don't need people to start insinuating that i'm actually not busy at all, just because i'm not as "seen" and "heard" as some others. in a nutshell, i don't need people to know that i have a heavy workload, but i hate it when people start thinking i have very little work just cos i don't show it and i don't complain. just cos i always suck it up.

i feel really terrible inside and i just wish that i can escape from misery over the weekend. desperately need to go somewhere to unwind and recharge myself, go for a spa, numb myself with shopping and food, catch a midnight movie, go for a picnic or a concert/play which i haven't done in a long time or just go for drinks and desserts. but of course, these are always figments of imagination that never take place in real time. nowadays, i've not been able to do anything i wish to do or be able to have any itch or craving for something satisfied.

my weekends are becoming stressful in itself having to ensure that everyone's needs and wishes are met above mine, ensuring that i'm not a nuisance or hindrance to anybody just in case my desires come in the way of theirs. i crave so much for freedom, since i can't have it in the workplace i just wish i can have abit of that outside and beyond work. the freedom to just do things i wish, not having to always consider for others or consider what their opinion of me would be like, the freedom to even plan things ahead of time instead of leaving every idea to the last minute and leaving it to chance. the freedom to even have time alone with you to work certain things out and build up the connection. the freedom to just be myself and be me. it's so hard.. even communicating about this would become an argument in itself.

i believe so much in open communication and emotional connection but i'm really starting to doubt whether i can make it work when this is only my own philosophy. there's just too much resentment built up along the way and it's come to a point whereby i won't even want to talk about it or raise it up and hence just suck it up again and end up feeling bottled inside and really unhappy and resentful and eventually the mind and the heart turns all black and cold. maybe it's really just me.

tomorrow's monday again... how much i hate mondays, and because of that, how much i hate sunday nights too.