the feeling i'm feeling

right now, i just can't help but feel that my spirits have been dampened by half.
all the excitement and hoohah seems to have been for nothing.
i dun wanna feel this way too. dun intend to be mean.
i dun even have zest anymore. in things i was just feeling all excited about.
i try to stop myself from feeling this way,
keep telling myself that things will be alright, that's it's just a trivial matter.
but it still comes at me... and i'm only saying how i feel, just as it is.
am i wrong to be this way?
i dunno what's right or wrong anymore.
i am just the way i am.

sighhh. what dilemma. what complexities.
what do i even want?
the inconvenience of being a perfectionist.
i wanna cry out.
but it seems such a trivial matter, for me to be even ruminating over.
for afterall, ain't i fortunate enough?
can't seem to talk to anyone about it. no, not even you.
for i am really just trying my best, to please everyone, again.
but who would understand?
i think love can perhaps make me do anything afterall.

hmm.. i feel slightly better already.
oh, the wonders of catharsis.
please ignore me, i think it's just a short lil phase i'll need to go thru for now.
i'll be alright in awhile.

and to make myself feel better, i'm gonna get some dose of desperate housewives, and i think munching on some food may help as it always does.

babies of my life

i finally got to see baby maxi today.. and he's a big brother now! heh. his mum just gave birth to his lil sis megan.. and we went for her full month celeb.

baby max.. he's sooo cute now. put on a lil bit of weight, which is good for him. grew his hair longer too. he's quite naughty now.. hehe.. ran all over the place.. and he purposely called me "ah yi". sheesh. but he doesn't really recognise me n my mum nemore. sobs.


was playing peekaboo round the pillar with him... he kept squealing in delight.. heehee.. i miss him so much.. he gives me a different feeling now.. maybe cos he's grown so much.. no longer as dependent on us as before...

anyway, the other day, i bumped into baby linus at the grocery store. but i din recognise him at first.. it was only when i walked passed him that it dawned on me that it's him!! but it was too late.. he n his mum already walked off.. sighhh. i wish i had run after them.

i think he's still very naughty.. hehe. he was whining at his mum to buy him something i think. he can speak so much now.. still cute.. look bout the same.. just taller. i miss him sooo much too.. been prob a year or two since i last saw him... sighh. i have only his pics to keep as memory.. since he moved away and all..we're not in touch anymore..

i still curse the damn person who stole my hp cos i have all his pics and videos in it.


i love this pic of him... taken bout 3 years back when he was still a lil toddler. he loves chocolate, my ty bear.. and the pillow me n mummy made.. i think this pic made him look so angelic n innocent.. oh i still rem he was watching tv when i took this pic...

i wish i can go back to those days, when he will keep coming to me for hugs, when he'll come n hug my legs when i'm standing up.. when he'll bug me to feed him honey stars..but sometimes he's also so naughty.. and keeps crying. such as whenever he sees thong. till thong carries him n throws him in the air..haha. but he's really one of the cutest and smartest baby i've ever met.

and baby kaiv too.. that's even a longer history.. he's the easiest to pat to sleep.

sigh. somehow i have a deep bond with all these babies in my life.. i always wonder if we'll still meet if they grow up and all.. i miss them so much.. sometimes i wish they won't grow up too soon.

k.. dun think anyone will understand how i feel... think u'll prob think i'm weird or some pedophile.. hehe.. i think i just love babies so much cos they're the epitome of innocence.

i'm freeee, for now

yayyy!!! my last presentation in nus is over!! the feeling is shiok.

dun think we ended on a high note however.. the presentation din really go too well.. at least it could have been better perhaps.. our topic's really quite tough actually... assessment of creativity.. alot of ambiguities and loopholes surrounding it... considering it's such a new field and it's difficult to conceptualise... yea felt we were limited in some ways..

dun think we'd do well for it, but heck! i'm freeee!! at least for bout one more week i guess. heh gonna have a short break and breather till the next hell week begins. and to top it off, i'm really happy that i did quite well for the tests so far.. gave myself one helluva shock. one full marks, one almost full marks, and best is that i passed intro to cybercrime test with flying colours!! hah not so flying la but it's good enough to allow me to skip some lessons... which i'm already doing actually.. hehe..

attended a cousin's wedding on mon night... have u had the feeling of, having something really major the next day, like a 30% test in my case, but yet having to attend to something else? well i was so stressed n panicky on mon night.. cos tues morn's the test n i haven't even studied half...the last thing i'd wanna do is to leave my notes and attend the wedding.. dun be mistaken, i love meeting my family n relatives n dun like to miss the gatherings, but i just dun like the idea of having to attend it with the test nagging at the back of my head.. and well for the test on tues, let's just say i dun wanna keep the horrors of it in my memory... dun think i've ever had to do a test for 3 whole hours... sucks la..

anyway it turned out a great night cos i managed to catch up with all the cuzs.. made my mum happy by turning up as a family.. etc... and took pics! heh.

the notty gal cut her hair.. dun like her new hairdo leh.. long hair much sweeter for her..

all the gals! yeaa my family has really few gals... we have like 20 boys?!

well but at least i think our gals look much better than our boys. hehe *evil*

at each of my male cousins' wedding we'd comment on how they are the beasts while their brides are the beauties... haha really la, none of our guys look decent leh... oops..

yeah all the pple in the pics look the same... din really take pics with the other cousins cos i'm not really close to them... and most of them are sooo old.. and serious... hahaha...

love my gal cousins. but i noticed, all of them have straight and nice hair... wat happened to mine??! sobs.

okieee i'm gonna head to little bali... hope it's good... sheesh the rain better stop soon..

i really have alot of things to blog about.... hope that i can do so these few days since i'm free-er..

the outback no more..

after weeks of fantasizing and imagining how i'm gonna experience my great australia outback, roaming the wild vast desert, camping out under the great starry sky, riding camels, viewing the sunset at the ayers rock.... i'm suddenly shattered that it turns out alice springs' not gonna be in our sack anymore.

sighhhh. took a while to sink in didn't it.

the practicalities again. simply too ex to travel there cos it's so out of the way from the usual states, being right at the heart of the oz. only qantas flies there apparently, or i'll just hop on any budget plane for all i care. i've checked thru all modes of transport.. coaches, trains, planes.. planes r the cheapest n they're already too ex. it'll cost us almost 1K just for that trip in total... as much as i'd love to go and as much as i think 1K is worth it, we simply can't afford it now if we're gonna enjoy other aussie states as well.

oh well. thong consoled me by saying we can always go another time. just a purely outback trip. yeah i'll definitely be there one day. i'm just not so sure when. bleh.

anyway, to look on the bright side, now that we've saved 1K, we can spend more on other stuff, and there's a good chance we can go to one more city. and we've booked our tix!! 8th-28th may! quite a good deal i'd say.. S$900 odd for the round trip + domestic flight..

i'm still sad over the outback trip. boo. heart pain. was so convinced from the start that's where i wanna go to experience the true oz. who goes to a real aussie backpacking without venturing into the desert.. sheesh.

i hate cities and buildings.

give me the wild exotic nature anytime. booo.

family day

taking a break from studying... those endless readings. but alright, at least i have finished 8 readings. out of 40. i still have until tues morn. not bad eh.....* pats*

yeahhh right.

yesterday was the hall's carnival, a.k.a family day. it wasn't really fun but i guess catching up with fellow friends who have graduated is rather nice. cept that the moos n qx's gang din turn up. bleh.

there wasn't much for us oldies to do other than chatting n eating ice-creams (and watching master get dunked in the water), so bout the only thing we did was take photos at the cool photo booth which gives us one free instant shot.. but i always look so fugly in canon prints... lol.. and i can't get over the fact that in one of the shots i looked so much like i'm hugging or leaning on mark chong from behind! cos there was an arm on him n from my positioning it totally looks like my arm la.. sheesh. but in fact it belongs to a certain mr thong! i hope pple realise that my arm's not so thick. heee.

ooh anyway we saw some really cute birds yesterday!! this guy apparently keeps them as pets.. they're really cute n small, and blue!! the blue's a very pretty shade which i've nv seen before. and the birds were so tame!! they dun fly away.. they just sit on ur finger... like lil kittens. haha ok la, they're not that tamed afterall. cos one of them attempted to take a bite out of poor junxiang's fingers and hand... tweaked at him till his hand was all swollen n red. lol.. it was a funny sight..hehe. oops. will upload a pic of the blue bird soon.

alright.. back to studying. heh. really short post eh.. for once.

just at this moment

sighh.. things don't seem to be going very well for now..

haven't start studying for test...

just started applying for jobs only, which is pretty late in my opinion.. considering so many friends already went for their first rounds, and that i really do not want to be looking for jobs after graduation, since i'll be on holiday for so long then. had a horrible time filling up all the online application forms. took HOURS. why can't we deposit resumes?? brr. they're so anal and detailed. govt website even has a list of hobbies for u to choose from... ??!

grad trip planning giving lotsa headaches. no joke planning a 3 week vacation from scratch. a super budget one at that. everything gotta find the cheapest possible. sheesh.

yesterday, i had a horrible time at the STA branch at science. the woman at the counter was a ****h. ok we applied for the isic card. so w/o speaking a word to us, she just went ahead and did the card for us. then we were chatting to her n telling her we're going to aussie, and she said, oh then u shouldn't have applied for this card, but the yha card instead. ok fine. money paid, too bad. this one's our own fault for not checking properly. nvm.

then she told us bout this qantas flight package, which allows us to enjoy 3 aussie cities at a rather reasonable price. so that got us interested of cos, and we asked her more qns bout it.. like whether it's available for the dates we're flying.. the states n all that.. and she became all uptight. she said.. oh you have to pay me $40 for the service charge for helping you check.. you dun pay me i won't help you check one.. where got free service one.. yeah those exact words, roughly. sheesh. no money no talk. fine.

we went back again to ask her nicely, thick-skinnedly, if she can tell us abit more bout this package.. so she softened abit, and told us abit. okie so we thanked her n told her we're gonna think bout it and come back soon to book. and today we called her up, and guess what she said? oh today's the last day for the promotion already, and our branch is closing now.. you're too late.......

like wateva. why tell us bout the package, but dun tell us the deadline, when you very well know that it's ending the very next day? got us all excited, came back to plan n calculate, only to find out it has ended. we did check out the website, but the only thing we could find was the 2 cities package, not 3... and that promotion ends in april. so we had no idea that this particular promotion which is not stated anywhere on that blardy website, is ending on this particular day. you'd expect pple to tell u this kind of thing, especially if it's ending like.. right away. right?

these pple dunno how to do biz. either that, or they're just working for a boss whom they hate anyway. and they obviously have no pride in their work.

nvm... gonna stick back to our original plan... i know that things will work out in the end, though we still need to put in so much more effort, and time is running out. but i still think that planning our own trip is more fruitful than anything else..

i'm just in a general bad mood la.. period.

plus my expenditure bank account is running so low now.. it's gonna hit 2 digits. and not to mention the stupid toothache i'm having now after the dental visit earlier in the day. when u have no time no money, and u can't eat anything to destress, you get really sick n peeved.

rarrr.

calling out to my babes!

hehe yes yesss.... this post's specially for you!

guess wat's it about?

char posted a comment saying how we should plan to go somewhere nearby together after we grad... and know wat?? char i've been thinking of the same thing for sometime!! really really... gals, been wanting to ask u bout it when we meet up, but it seems like we're not gonna meet up as a bunch anytime soon leh. so decided to post it here before it drags any longer.

i'm thinking, we've known each other for so long... but we've never been anywhere together! not even msia! now that we're graduating.. we must, must go somewhere together! we can have a mini grad trip kinda thing like after our individual grad trips... char n ivonne r off to germany, ceci prob around asia somewhere, me to oz, no idea bout anne, anyone knows? we can always go somewhere nearby for a short getaway, like 3-4 days, after we're all back, before we start working, and can ask the rest like clo, jiehui too!

actually there're lotsa places around us that offer a nice relaxing holiday for a couple of days. i'm thinking of redang island! it has a really really beautiful beach la. i thought it's really nice for us to go relax there for a few days. i dun mind going a few times more. haha. if u gals wanna see my redang pics i can post on multiply. if u all r not keen on a beach resort getaway, i'm fine with other places too!! maybe not bali cos i've just been there and it's quite costly, sorry char :(

okie babes, please do say wat u think bout this, n throw out any suggestions or places u wanna go! somewhere relaxing la preferably... to de-stress us before we start working our asses off. think most of the babes dunno of my blog yet leh... so pls ask them n let them know bout our plans k!! *uberexcited*

take me home

so i've been home and back. lovely short break before i hit the blardy books again! oops.

true enough, the parents ain't talking anymore. it's so predictable after all these years. i'm fine la. it's just great to see them talk, but even if they don't, i love them all the same. it'll just be a bonus, u know wat i mean..

so these few days i've been running around, getting all the shopping i crave for, meeting peeps, eating, researching on oz, and, err, seriously like nothing else leh. i swear time flies by when u're busy doing things u like. brr. din really have time to like relax n have some time to myself, to watch some tv or read a book or something.

stocked up quite abit of working n interview clothes. haha.. nope i dun have any interview invitations yet. duh, haven't even send out applications. queen of procrastination. so why am i so kiasu? well i just dun wanna fret in the event whereby i get called up for an interview sometime later n i gotta go last-minute hunting for proper clothes (really not easy to find for my size...argh). which brings me to the issue... what do u wear when u go for an interview?? in my opinion, long sleeve collared shirt, tucked into black/grey pants, with covered toe heels and a leather bag. hair clipped up. err my cousin insists on a blazer as well, and she added especially for govt jobs. which sounds weird to me leh. maybe blazer for some bank/corporate job. but govt jobs? the peeps there dun bother to dress up one leh. for me, think blazer's maybe a no no... anyway i like only have white, black, grey stuff for work leh... so boring can. i love colourful clothes, but i dun wanna turn up as a butterfly. hard to find coloured n still formal looking office wear. gosh, i'm gonna turn into a geeky office lady (OL) soon. sheeesh.

anyway shoe-hunting and bag-hunting wasn't so successful. covered toe shoes really hurt like mad. my red mondo pointy shoes gave me an experience quite akin to glass walking on saturday. sigh. at one point i had to beg thong to let me wear his havaianas for awhile but of cos he didn't. hmph. now i'm worried for work shoes. nice covered toes r usually the pointed or slightly pointed ones. but they're so painful!!! how to wear for the whole day?!

last night, i was nicely nestled in bed, preparing to read my book beside my bedside lamp, when suddenly, i looked up and saw something at the top area of my curtain. it's yellow-brown, fat, long, with a black spot at one tip, and i thought it's a giant worm. needless to say i jumped out of bed n called thong for help.. couldn't shout for my mum or dad cos it was 3am and they were sleeping. gosh. it always happen to me in my bedroom at home, always late at night, and i always have to call up thong who can't help me cos he's miles away. anyway upon closer look (slightly only la, din dare to go within one metre) n observation (it's not moving), i think it's a NEST. a nest!!!! 2, 3 weeks not in the room and a nest has found my bedroom a home??! so smart to build on my soft fluffy curtain somemore. now i've no idea wat insect it is la... the thought of it sickens me so much that i din dare to sleep in my room... my bed's right under the curtains so high chances the thing, or nest, could just drop into, goodness gracious, my mouth. so yeah, after some discussion with thong the best thing for me to do was to snuggle into mummy's bed. as usual. hehee. big baby. always sleeping with my mum after horror movies/insect in my room/scared for any reason. i think i woke her up. oops. i hate all these creepy crawlies adventures in my room. sighhhh.

anyway to end off, somebody got killed in the soup spoon at raffles city on sat!! big news for me cos it's a frequent hangout for thong n me on saturdays, at around 6, 7pm (the time the murder took place). goshhh... the news freaked me out. who would have imagined? out in the open (ok not very open since it's in the kitchen, but it's the soup spoon!), with so many customers out n about, at such a timing, saturday no less.... i can't imagine sitting there, slurping my soup when suddenly the staff there run out n shout that one of them got slashed by another... erm. hard to swallow the soup. been wanting to ask thong to go there soon... miss their soup. but honestly now i dun think i'll patron there for at least one year.

ok la... babes, my next post is dedicated to u!!

catching the breather

3 tests r finally down. tests really sap the energy out of u, dun they? 3 major tests in 5, 6 days is really no joke. no doubt i din do exceptionally well, but really mediocre works fine for me now. afterall i tried my best, n even cooped myself from civilisation for so long, i think i deserve a break now. berating myself is gonna be the last thing i need. gonna have a short good breather, before plunging into the next couple of midterms n stuff!

there're so many things i gotta settle now that i've got some time on my hands:

1) apply for jobs!!
-yea.. this really takes priority. at the rate i'm pushing it, i ain't gonna get a job by july.

2) grad trip planning
-top priority too! my lifelong ambition k. a fully self-planned, self-supported backpacking trip round the world. haha except that it's not gonna be round the world of cos. where got money. most likely aussie's gonna be our pick. *excited* money's still an issue too. but i'm sure things will work out fine with careful planning n determination. like i keep telling thong, yeah we're poor undergrads now, we're spending money on a trip before we even start earning. but we're gonna be working soon, let's just give ourselves this break after studying for 16 years! money can earn back. anyway, honestly, i really have no inkling on how to get started with the planning and all. from air tix to hostels to places to travel within oz, clueless. gonna try yha and hostelworld. me n thong went to the lib today and sat there for an hour plus reading aussie guidebooks! too bad the lib doesn't allow borrowing of those stuff... wth. i think it's kinda pointless to have an entire shelf of really good guides, but expect pple to sit in the library n plan their travel itinery there n then right? sheesh. well newaes we're still abit lost, but a little start is better than no start. i'm sure we'll be on our way soon... haha... somehow, somewhere. anyone with travel experiences, pls share?

3) backup all my files
-think the laptop's gettin old. may be gone anytime, so better backup the files, which r really just lots and lots of photos more than anything else. heh.

4) watch tv/movie
-yea this can actually constitute as one of my top plans.. well relaxation's always in the plan for life isn't it. gonna finish all the shows i recorded on my laptop so dutifully everyday, but which i never had the time to seriously sit down n watch. plus all those dvds thong's bro bought.

5) miscellaneous stuff like interview/resume workshops, dental visit, meet friends/family, attend wedding...

looks like i have a handful n i dunno when i can get started on the next test, which is really the most terrorising.. we're gonna be tested on the entire syllabus... 3 anatomy textbooks, 20 journals. i think i can't finish in a month. n me n thong seriously haven't touch a single reading for this module (not to mention haven't print)... despite us going to the lib (on n off) since the second week of the sem. so many readings n work that we can't even come to this. n today i just met a schoolmate who finished all these readings once. how to compete with students like this la..

kk i dun wanna think bout depressing things... cos i'm gonna see my mummy!!! like finally! after 2, 3 weeks?? we're meeting up on thurs. we talked on the phone just now n she was telling me she's been counting down to meeting me... cos she's been bored at home n she just misses us so. gosh i wanna cry. my mum's been so sweet to me... been calling me up when i'm alone in the library, asking whether i've food to eat, whether she can cook anything for me n bring them down to hall, whether i can meet her for a quick meal.. she's just so worried that i'm hungry or something. there was once a few days ago, sat i think, when she called n i told her i'm the only one in the lib, n she gasped.. u're all alone?? she was heartbroken so i told her someone came in too. told her i shld be home tmr if possible, n she immediately wanna cook stuff for me. it's really times like this that i feel, is it really worth it for the cap? like shutting myself from family n friends, pressuring myself n stressing up. i dun wanna miss out on life, just for this thing that is really not a measure of my happiness at the end of the day, i guess. or at least, i've decided not to let it be a measure of my happiness in life. so had a talk with her just now, n i think i'm not gonna go for it nemore... i dunno. still confused, but i think i know wat i want afterall. anyway, yeah... mummy's gal. love her to bits. i can't have a better mum in the world. yeah and this is the kinda thing that'll make one truly happy, isn't it?

thong n me went to have dinner n a movie just now at vivo. seems like whenever we finish any test or wat we'll just pop by to vivo for a break. dinner was great at this hongkong cafe, kimgary restaurant. slurpy baked rice n love their french toast the bestest. watched letters from iwo jima, n felt it's really good. u gotta watch it to know. well, if u're a war n history film kinda person. anyway that movie made me sad n think of alot of things n issues... which explains my really moody tone. saigo is my hero. he portrays exactly wat alot of young soldiers must be feeling. sick, tired of war n just dun really wanna be there, or be a soldier at all for that matter. just wanna be home.

Kuribayashi: You're a good soldier.
Saigo: No, I'm really just a baker.

really sums it up well. he's my hero cos he din follow the rest of his troop to take their own lives for honour, hara-kiri style. bombing up themselves individually in this case. he's so real. u can identify with him. he fears when he fears. he weeps when he weeps. he misses when he misses. he escapes, simply becos he's afraid. oh he's really not a good soldier, his general just said that cos he's a really good general. oh watever, this show is a must watch la.

it's amazing how much i really like to go on and on bout stuff when there're no tests n deadlines.... really love writing bout things n such.. i can go on forever.

going crazy in the online shopping world

it's sat night in hall studying alone again, and being so lonesome, i naturally spent a fair bit of time shopping online (when i'm taking breaks la).

can i tell u how much i think the DBS IB sucks? the whole day i had so many problems with it... it's either the page cannot be displayed, or the java applet cannot get started so cannot login, or the security device applet also cannot get started, or even if i managed to log in after all these nightmares, i still cannot perform so many of the functions, or even if i did perform some of the functions (or thought i did), it turns out in the end that i didn't. i swear i spent hours n din get a single thing done.

i made a transfer, or so i thought, and even had the transaction reference number and all. but turns out at the end of the day i realised maybe the transfer hadn't been made. cos my transactions after that appeared on my history, but that particular transfer didn't. so made a call to dbs, they claimed the no. wasn't a transaction reference, but something else. now this is sooo strange la. i'm pretty sure i won't make this kinda mistake leh. it's a matter of money. anyway end story is that i'm convinced dbs IB sucks. gonna get the jitters using it from now on.

ok back to the online shopping thingy. i think the physical world of shopping can't satisfy me anymore, such that now i have to turn to and am hooked on the virtual world of shopping. haha or perhaps it's just that online shopping is so apt for pple like me stuck in hall n can't get out to shop for... oh my, is that 2 weeks w/o shopping already??

it's just so convenient la. view catalogues, see the products u like, n click click, send out the money. i think deprivation has driven me to do such a seemingly senseless thing, transferring money to any tom, dick or harry that's selling things online. haven't even received any goods yet.

i must blame yuan for introducing me to the world of sgspree... brrrr. *kiddin* actually i asked her for the site. :p seriously good n tempting sprees. now, today i did such a bad thing. i intro it to ceci. cos there's this spree for beads and charms, n i know ceci loves this sorta thing, and would love to get some for herself, even though i did get something lil' for her that i thought she'll like. thought of making something. hmmz. anyway it's bad that i made her go look at the spree n distracted her from her essay, which she's so bz rushing. haha. sorry babe, just thought u wouldn't wanna miss this opportunity since we've both always felt that nice charms r hard to come by in singapore. well, i hope our charms turn out nice in real life n that the order and everything goes well...*excited*

oh well. this is the website for anyone interested in joining sprees to buy stuff... anything from clothes to shoes to lingeries to jewelleries to birkenstocks to cartoons to makeup to bags to...anything u can think of if u're a gal. here it is, the mother of all online shopping websites:

http://community.livejournal.com/sgspree/

gals' heaven or hell, u decide. (it's hell to my bf la)