my fears and apprehension.

i'm really happy cos i bought nude pumps for myself and for my mummy! :)

anw, friends have been asking me what the fears and apprehension are all about. i think colleagues immediately knew what i'm referring to.

yes, it's to do with work (again). my blog is turning into a mini work ranting page. someone said that maybe my work's too stressful for me and that i should think of exploring alternatives. yeah i agree that the job's not for keeps in the long run definitely. and i'm open to alternatives.. but for the next few years, i think i'm staying put..

it's the time of the year whereby deployment is the talk of the town... deployment was out on friday and i've been assigned to be the deputy leader of my team next year. yes, this is the lots and lots of fears, and loads and loads of apprehension. of what's coming ahead, what's coming my way, what i have to deal with and handle. of being an advocate whom i'd never wish to be. i know the challenges of this team, i wanted out but now i dun have a choice.

it just seems like i'm never gonna get out of this team, huh. why i'm apprehensive, is also due to the expectations of myself. if i can't do the job well, i'd rather not be in the position. if i HAVE to be in the position, i know i'd make myself slog like hell. so hence, all the fears. i just feel like my shoes are too big to fill.

been spending the weekend trying to absorb it in and think thoroughly. i need to think carefully about my next year's work, because this year has been pretty heavy going, and i know i need to manage my workload. not that i have a choice sometimes, work just comes my way. but i do need to cut down on my cases in schools. at a meeting today, one of the HODs is already asking me how soon i can complete cases next year. i feel like effing him. i've already had enough on my plate as it is, dun bug me about next year's work. as it is, me and my sup are already covering more cases than our colleagues usually do, than you'd bother to recognise. at an alarming rate. at a speed i can't even breathe, just so for the children. do u think i'm taking on so many cases for myself?? i don't even report these numbers to my bosses! i'm purely doing it out of genuine concern for the kids.

why do they just pile work on us as if we're not humans? i feel like all my work in schools go so unappreciated. yes, there's always the "thank you"s and what nots at year end meetings. but there's also all those implicit hints to go visit their school more often, to do more cases, and worse still, some of these schools dun even factor in lunch time for me!! do they think i'm a robot?? my case manager was nice enough to pack lunch for me today cos the canteen ran out of food. but i only had 10 mins to scrape whatever i could before some parents came in for consultation.

if u ask me, i think we lead a life worse than doctors. doctors have patients come to their clinics instead of travelling from places to places to seek out these patients; doctors can assess and diagnose a patient quickly and accurately with medical tools, we assess and diagnose clients over several sessions of many hours each, using tools which do not give you a definite positive/negative result, but it depends on our judgement and integration of several tests; doctors have medicine to cure their patients, we have to hold several meetings and consultation to plan out the best intervention for our clients; doctors earn from each patient they get, we obtain a basic salary no matter how many clients we see. And i'm sure doctors have lunch time. :(

anw, i've just decided for myself that i need to take a step back in work. i need to put my health as priority. lately i've been getting giddy spells for an entire week and it's really not helping with the amount of work. the news of deployment came at a very bad time, just when i feel i need to take a back seat at work.

i just need to rethink alot of things, and think things through very carefully... i need to constantly remind myself that i have to put my own needs first. that's a resolution. and sleeping early is another. :)

i need to stop my insatiable thirst for bags. before i really go POK. been crazy over them recently. but i must say, no regrets. i love my rosegold parker and my lil' noel henry in black!! love them to bits!! gonna use my noel henry for work.... it looks so classic. i'm so afraid of dirtying it it's making me OCD! i'm so tempted to buy one more to keep in case it turns old one day. crazy!

anw, shanie and i went to someone's in-house sale for coach and kate spade bags. had to literally fight tooth and nail to grab the last KS purse for our dear michy's bday. so excited to give her. there were soooo many other things i saw, but all snapped up so quickly! the house was sooo crowded it's worse than zouk i swear. gawd. it opened at 11am, we went at 11.45am and half the stuff were gone! the crowd was soo bad we had to hold hands to keep from getting lost. there were at least 4 cashiers and the owner even set up a laptop for people to do internet transfer!! gosh.

then i saw someone paying for my beloved noel henry and i was like, how can anyone else have it too?!! it was pretty hard searching for my henry. rarrrr. i'm seriously tempted to buy the whole series of classic noel stuff - the chrissy clutch, gilly tote, and an unidentified noel bag which i heart so so much but taken by someone else already! somebody stop my itch please.

michy's turning 30. gosh it sounds old like mad and i dun hesitate telling her that. lol. all of us are getting such a big kick of poking fun of her big 3. but jokes aside, i seriously wish for her sake that she'll get her baby soon! i spent the entire last night making a big bday card cum photo collage for her. gonna let everyone sign the card to wish her a happy 30th. had a splitting headache after that. have to go source for more materials to finish up today. the first pic up there is the first draft of the front cover. the second pic is how the project made my room look. my room's getting out of control seriously! but dun think it can get worse than the bestie's. i seriously dunno who appreciates such stuff anymore, but i just can't stop myself from making these for the ppl i treasure. on a side note, i feel like mich is drifting apart from me. i know it sounds crazy but i guess girls are just possessive over their things and their friends. i think mich's won over to the other side. sighhh.

it's pouring heavily and i'm about to go out soon... :(