emo on a rainy night

it's a very cold and rainy night outside. i just battled my way home and am now sitting in my bedroom, eating a nice but ice-cold subway sandwich. damn hungry.

worked till 8.30pm again today and it felt so cold and chilly in the office. it's a dead town. everyone went home early to be with their families on a public holiday eve. i counted about 5 cars left in the compound.

today is supposed to be NIE day to self-study. but still came back to the office and my colleagues nagged at me to block the time to study. my answer to them as usual is that there's just no more time left to do the work.. even have to bring work home on weekends and PH, how to block tuesdays to study? the situation is bad. i dunno how i'll pass the module.

yesterday, i reached home at 9+ after work and found my dad heating up a bowl of noodles for me. he silently placed it on the table for me and told me to eat quickly.

nothing beats coming home to a piping hot bowl of noodle soup after battling through work for 12, 13 hrs and feeling totally zombified. they even bothered to put it in a mini claypot for me. was so touched i took a pic.

simple but great. dad cooked the soup and mum cooked the noodles. no words said, just gestures. damn touched la.

was quite funny cos i was eating in the kitchen halfway when this giant flapping moth decide to fly in and intrude my dinner. flapped around my noodle and my parents told me from young that they have lotsa powdery stuff on their bodies and never to let them come near my food so i was trained to scream. dad came to my rescue with a rolled newspaper to chase it off but it started flapping at him and attacking both of us basically. we were both alternating between screaming and shouting "here", "there", "cover the food!" and running away when the moth fly into us.

a rather candid father and daughter moment. i managed to finish the noodles.

today i wanted to spend some time alone. left work abit depressed and decided to take a train down somewhere to buy a bag i wanted. second bag i bought in the week. very impulsive of me. but i love my bags nevetheless. think i found the shop.

mum and bro went out. quite rare so i'm happy for them. think now they have more "life" than me. my social life basically went down the drain these past few months.

no more drinks with friends, dinners with the girls, catching up with all the peeps i missed. i wonder what's happening. i wonder how they are.

i think that, no matter how my parents get on my nerves sometimes, no matter how i may even bitch about them (and i do feel bad), how selfish i am towards them, i know that deep down inside, truly truly, in my heart of hearts, i know that they love me the most and they can be the only people who will truly care for me and their love will be unfaltering always. i'm so scared of losing them one day.

time to rethink about work

i've reached a point in my work whereby i'm no longer able to read all my emails, let alone reply them or even clear my inbox (it's currently twice over the limit), i'm no longer able to track my to-do lists, i'm no longer able to start writing psych reports within months of seeing the child, i'm no longer able to track my monthly schedules and important dates because there are just too many things going on daily, i'm unable to even take a 5 min break at my desk, or go to the toilet for a leak sometimes.

that's really how bad things are now and i feel i just need to BREATHE. i need it badly.

had easily 15 meetings these two weeks, four days of workshop, a day of workplan, some school visits and assessments. each of our meeting lasts like 3 hours at least. some can stretch like 5 hours! some start at 5-6pm. some take place during lunch.

i'm really tired of working 11 - 12 hours a day. for the past few weeks i've been waking up at 6am and leaving house at 6+, before any of my family members are up. at night i reach home at 7+ 8+ feeling like a zombie totally. been travelling all over singapore.. nie, chevron, polytechnics..from home. super tiring can..

as predicted, the course added on a huge pile of work. the lessons themselves were great.. the lecturers are from a distinguished uni in london.. they are v distinguished psychologists in the field.. those names that i used to read about in journals, and are authors of textbooks and articles.. they are fantastic really.

the problem is with how our organization manages our work. when it was trying to get us on board, nobody told us stuff like we're gonna have weekly tutorials and discussion groups at nie, our assignment consists of a thesis-like paper every 3 months consisting of lit reviews and case studies in schools, form debate groups, and worst of all, our workload is still the same though they've assured time and again they're gonna reduce it. with what??

now on top of my freaking tons of projects and schools and meetings and seminars and trainings, i have to attend lessons, do research and assignments, and worry about my grades cos apparently that also go into our performance ranking. wth. i can't manage. i really can't. but there's no one in the management to tell these woes to.

cos u know that:
1) the management will brush away ur problems and say these are good learning opportunities

2) they'll say u're incompetent and really need to learn how to balance ur work and this would be the perfect opportunity to master the skill

3) they'll immediately rank u lower in the ranking exercise since this is evidence that u're not "performing higher than expectations"

4) they're not going to reduce ur work load at the end of the day anyway

All these are not based on mindless conjectures but what we've all experienced under the "reign of terror"... i really feel we're a miserable stifled bunch. if it's not for the passion of psychology, i'm outta here before you can even say shitass.

been getting lotsa dreams and nightmares about work.. i feel too mentally drained and challenged at work and sometimes i just wanna do nothing. like do absolutely nothing. like just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. i feel like being stupid and talking brainlessly on weekends cos the entire week i must try to talk intelligently in perfect ministry language.

it's a luxury to even do things like read a book, have a good nap without alarm clock, watch tv nowadays. i feel like at the end of the week, i'm just in no capacity to socialize, interact, and communicate with anyone. i just need some of the simple things in life.

but yet so far every week there's been some family function, friends' gathering etc... can't really stay home at all.

i need a break... really do. i need to go somewhere. like batam, bintan, or hk if possible. anywhere. just to get my mind away from work. at home, i'm beginning to dread my gmail account even cos that's becoming my work-from-home email. sucks.

was watching my first f1 race on tv just now and had to shuffle between typing my reports and running back to the tv. sucks. anyway, sad that kimi lost. thought that alonso was ugly at first but on close up he's actually quite cute.

my life sounds dreadful. arghhh super emo. tomorrow's monday again. i'm gonna lug 10 case files and assessment tools up the bus at 7am. can't wait for wed's public holiday!!! much deserved break. but why do i have the feeling that it's gonna be spent doing work?!

emo-ness

it's the time of the week when i feel the greatest influx of negative emotions ala inexplicable emo-ness again.

maybe it's the stress from work, maybe it's the time for myself and loved ones. but weekends are so precious now that i've started work and they fly past at great speed. naturally sunday nights are the prime time to get emo about the pile of work ahead. the biggest consolation i have for myself is that the week flies quickly as well and before i know it, i'd have another weekend ahead.

i'm going to just ramble on about nothingness now. it's an emo post afterall. u're already warned.

sometimes i wonder... is it that hard for humans to live together happily? what does it take? why is it so tough to communicate our feelings and thoughts to one another, to make others understand? our expectations of others.. are they really unreasonable? is it wrong.. to wish that others would do what you would do for them?

why do we turn our backs on the very ones who love us the most? we disappoint them time and again but they'll always be there for us. what would it take to make us realise that we should be treasuring them instead?

i think that whatever we do.. we are doing in the pursuit of happiness. the fundamental human instinct, coming right after basic survival needs, is to seek positive emotions. having said that, sometimes it makes us selfish too. to get our happiness, are we sometimes hurting others around us? do we do things just so that others can be happy? i think sometimes i do. but that's when the dilemma comes in. caught in between wanting others to be happy, and satisfying my own needs too.

the course is starting this week at nie. there's alot of trepidation building up within me. i guess no matter how much i try to suppress it, how much i tell myself things would be ok, i'm still scared inside. i really dunno what tomorrow will bring. what will the course bring? how will our future work pan out? how am i going to travel to nie and back? i really dunno. despite all the promises the management has made, i'm beginning to see how i can't trust their promises anymore. deep inside i know that the course is gonna bring extra workload, and that somehow, i just have to learn to adapt to it and find a way to absorb a wider repertoire of work like a sponge, just like what i've been doing for the past few months.

i hate uncertainties and insecurities. but it's so part and parcel of life... in work, rships, everything. i just wish there's an anchor somewhere, a safety harbour, where things are more certain, predictable, calm. i feel like i need that right now. when i look at my life i realise that every aspect is so uncertain, so unstable. when can i find my harbour?

on turning 24

i guess the turning point at the age of 24 is really that you can start feeling the effects of ageing taking place simultaneously throughout your body, manifesting most obviously on your face.

where the face used to be much more elastic and springy, it is now easily creased, duller, has more fine lines esp around the eyes, and dark rings are almost impossible to remove. i also suspect i'm going through puberty phase 2 because zits are having the time of their lives on my face.

so for the first time in my life, i've actually bought myself a toner and a moisturiser (yes i've never owned one!) to join in the rat race in a bid to maintain whatever is left of my once, err, youthful complexion (if i even had that). i figured that after living for two dozen years, it's finally time to do what my peers have been doing since i was 13, or so i remember.

i've also started putting on sunblock lotion on my face before slapping on make up (which works wonders in keeping the make-up on!). i heard you should put it on ur neck as well. i've invested in an anti-cellulite cream. i've bought eye cream for dark rings. i've bought anti-dark spot cream. i've tried (sometimes in vain) to slather hand lotion every night.

gawd. the amount of stuff girls need to put on their body. i'm still exploring the possibility of night cream and day cream and really wondering what's the difference.

i find myself regretting the many times i went to suntan just to get a tan. and how i loved those tans. i didn't care a hoot about being white and fair, and life was so carefree then, thinking about what kind of tan lines i want on my back, slathering suntan and not sunblock lotion to get a nice red tan. imagine the damage done..

in short, when you turn 24, you turn into a kiasu freak who's afraid that time is gonna snatch you of things you have taken for granted all your life, which it definitely will one day. the key is to prolong the speed at which time reaches you and casts its net.

this is also the age whereby i feel like my body is really getting feeble and useless. maybe it's the lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of veg, and a generally sedentary lifestyle coupled with mega stress at work, i'll never know. but each day i have to drag my ass around, i feel breathless climbing stairs, i fall sick an average of once every 3 mths, i have chronic diarrhoea (which could be irritable bowel syndrome from stress), i'm constantly fatigued and yawning, i have funny things happening to my body now and then.

i used to have that bit more energy to bounce and hop, i believe. i laughed alot more and was a livelier, chirpier gal.

somebody turn back the body clock please..

yoga, belly dancing, gym, jogging... all these have crossed my mind a million times and i really wish i have the time, energy and determination to pick them up but sadly, i still can't fit them anywhere in my life.

so, that's 24 for you. two dozen years of life. one year to living a quarter of a century. argh. before we know it, life's over. okayy... i got you at that. let's not even go there.

anyways, ageing aside, i must say i had a wonderful birthday with different pple. i've done all the things i could possibly wish for, had nice meals and good conversations with pple i treasure, and received well wishes and blessings from everyone. i'm contented.

i'm just wondering when i'm ever gonna upload photos.... to think of it, i haven't even start with my hk trip ones.

this is perhaps part of turning 24 too!