november is here. it's end of year and christmas displays are up again.

so glad i'm going for a breather to hk in dec.

what would you do if you find out that you have a life-long illness? one that would impair your daily well-being and rob you of freedom, and just, health.

i'm not sure how i would react. i think i would be despondent and helpless. sadly enough, i think i wouldn't deserve happiness and i would want to break free from everyone and be alone. i wouldn't want to burden anyone with my illness and unhappiness.

having said that, i think i don't even dare to find out the truth. what courage it takes, to take a step forward to face a challenge that may last a lifetime to come.

we bought our first kite. but rather unsuccessfully tried flying it twice. it's always a wonder to see beautiful kites strung up high in the sky, a tiny dot, kilometres away, connected to ground by a long thin thread. how can something so far away be held on by a hand?

i've finally also tried yoga, and even body combat. it doesn't matter to me whether i'm good at them.. i'm merely happy that i finally got down to trying stuff i've always wanted to. life's too short for hesitations and procrastinations.

it was fun going for a scrapbooking workshop too. everything's provided there, with a proper workstation, and the end product's so pretty. and best of all there's no issue of cleaning up the messy aftermath.

how do people know whether they've met the one? it's a scary thing, to commit your whole life to someone, to a new lifestyle, culture, perspective and values. to have new people in your lives, to have existing ones gone. there are so many young couples divorcing nowadays. what changed their decisions about marriage? are vows so easily broken? especially in modern society, whereby laws are made so easy for a marriage to become obsolete. my colleague who is a few years older than me, with young kids, has lost all feelings for her husband, who cheated on her. another colleague who just got married last year, is apparently involved in something with another male colleague. what's happening? i'm pretty sure people meant their vows and were deeply in love at the point of marriage, otherwise it would be a really sick world.

will such things ever happen to me? will i ever know when i'm ready for someone? it's scary, and my elders are bugging me. i think i'll be ready when i know i want to walk life's journey with someone, through thick and thin, knowing that the road ahead can't always be smooth, but that i would still go through it with him and honor my vows. and when i am sure the person feels the same way too.

there are so many things i still want to do.. i want to fly, to dive, see the world, walk in the snow. i want to go to a carnival, laugh when things go wrong. i want to love a dog to bits, or own a little ball of bunny. i want to paint a portrait, or an oil painting, take photos of the world, make ice cream and brownies and cupcakes with buttercream. i want to put my heart, fully, into something i'm passionate about.

*****

feeling at one of my lowest points.

at the brink of giving up everything in my life.

taking a short break from writing a paper... no idea how to proceed with the paper.. it's a paper to update the minister and other ministerial members.. arghh how to write?? I've to attend an exco meeting with them in 2 weeks' time and i'm really stressed out now.. the amount of work in preparation for it is draining me.

supposed to catch voyage de la vie at RWS tonight but really kinda no mood now. the extent to which work stress kills your personal life and emotions.

it's true how it's being said that true love is not when u're both happy together during good times, but when u're still happy during the crunch.

read an article about how providing emotional support for your other half is really impt. all of us know that... but, the crux lies in how and what type of support we provide. the most effective support apparently is providing encouragement and showing confidence in your partner, the most detrimental is providing information and advice. and i'd like to say that this is so true in my own life. when many a time all we just want is to whine to the other person, have a listening ear and empathy, get a hug and receive some positive words, rather than someone telling us what to do/what we shouldn't have done.

on friday, a culmination of stress factors coupled with a nasty incident of me being thrashed and taking the blame for my research executives just broke me down damn badly. i went to hid myself in the office toilet and just burst out crying. for a good half hour i stayed there, feeling miserable and lousy, feeling like no one understands and wondered why i'm always stuck in such positions.

it's partly my fault and yet partly not. it's a mistake made by people i'm leading, but yet since i'm leading the piece of work i'm answerable to everything and i should have checked and made sure of everything. but i thought i could have confidence in them. how do i empower them such that i can have full confidence in the work they submit and not need to mother their work so thoroughly? so as their leader i have to shield them and take the blame and make answer to bosses. but yet my own leader will not shield me from it, and i have to bear everything alone.

feeling so damn jaded and tired. it's not just the sheer amount of work but also the sheer complexity and challenge in the work i'm doing. i've no idea how to proceed with many many pieces of work, especially those related to policy decisions and making recommendations to senior management and ministerial committee. yet i just have to force myself to do it with very little guidance and support from my superior.

it's really like throwing me in the deep blue ocean and asking me to float.

just one of those weeks that's crazily busy and i feel like i.can't.breathe.

signed up to be a coach of a therapy for adhd kids. intervention has been something that i wanna try my hands on, so it's a great opportunity for me. and it's been fun! but the workload is crazy =( and what with all the major policy decisions and exco papers and meetings i've to go for concurrently, no joke.

yesterday i experienced firsthand how hierarchical my organization is. the perfect example of prata and her high and mighty ways.

was in one of those big meetings with external professionals at our workplace. my bosses and unfortunately, prata, were all present. we catered some light snacks and finger food, which were on big plates placed in the middle of the conference table.

so halfway through the meeting, prata (who was 2 seats away from me) suddenly signalled the small individual styrofoam plates to me, indicating me to fill up each plate with the finger food. so i thought ok, just fill up the plates and pass down to everyone. but to my dismay, she signalled me to serve each small plate to each of the external people at the meeting, complete with fork and spoon. so there i was, halfway through a serious discussion (and still trying to follow the points), holding small plates of food and walking round the huge conference table to serve each plate to each person, like a french maid! i was only missing a white apron and cap, seriously. maybe i should carry the pot of tea and go, "m'am, would you like some tea?"

now which one of you out there, gotta do this in your job?! is your workplace culture really so hierarchical, such that bosses and subordinates are so clearly delineated? over here, we do feel like it's terribly hierarchical, such that we can never feel close to our bosses, and in fact many of us feel like work machines rather than humans with our rights and feelings.

it's such an oppressive environment. you're always watching out for your bosses, being conscious of whether they are watching ur every move, because u just feel so much like their henchman, and u're so afraid of making a wrong step.

thankful i have colleagues to vent all these to, and to know that they fully understand.

feel totally stuffed and unhealthy right now... need to detox! been eating very rich food like everyday, every meal. had a good fat wagyu steak yesterday (thanks dear for cheering me up!), with fried mushrooms, then had a thai meal of shrimp paste rice, green curry, fried chicken wings for lunch with my sinful colleagues, and had my fav ippudo ramen for dinner again!

gawddd. ippudo ramen is how good, really. the soup is thick and rich, with a thin layer of oil, and with freshly crushed garlic added, i can't describe the richness of the soup. gosh!!

but i feel so sinful and feel such a need to detoxify!

going for some l4d with my l4d-virgin colleagues tmr evening.. looking forward to kill some zombies (and pretend they're prata).. hahah!

star virgo!

i have so little time nowadays, been going out everyday =(

leaving so much of my life hanging, even simple chores like buying/refilling daily necessities such as shampoos and pads, putting face mask, opening the mails i receive each day, uploading photos, unpacking my holiday bags, opening my birthday presents, are all left on the shelf!! what a terrible procrastinator right??

anyway, i really want to blog about my star cruise trip! it's so refreshing to go on a cruise after like a 10+ years hiatus. i love everything about a cruise.. being out in the ocean, the nice pool and jacuzzi facilities, romantic restaurants, sea breeze on the deck, bars and lounges at night... i like!

once we boarded the ship, me and my mum went to the top deck and spent like 30 mins snapping away..

pardon my dark n low quality photos.. they were taken on my iphone! no time to upload my camera photos yet.

everything on a cruise is posh.. even the library! it's totally english style and carpeted.. u just feel like grabbing a nice read and snuggle up on the cosy armchairs by the window overlooking the ocean.

love the sunset views you get out in the middle of nowhere. orange, pink and blue hues, with wind whipping through ur hair.

and of course the balcony room! cosy little balcony with a glass railing.. allows you to have an infinite view of the ocean. u just feel so so calm and peaceful out here, feeling so small in the wide vast world. even though the ship is so giganormous (13 storeys!), it's a little speck of dust against the ocean.

i actually think our bedroom is very cosy though it's small.. but the beds are comfy and room is fully carpeted and clean.. most impt! there's also a small two seater couch by the bed for a good read or tv.. and it can be turned into a big sofa bed for extra space.

we dropped at redang on day 2! my favourite little malaysian island. was sooo looking forward to the snorkelling and sun and sand. mummy still wasn't very comfortable with the snorkelling gear... but i've mastered the art of snorkelling by now! went swimming round and round on my own, until i became black like a fatimah. sigh. now it'll take me months to get rid of my ugly tan. the beach is still nice and clean with white sand, and the water is blue and inviting as ever.

we washed up quickly and changed into fresh clothes... and spent some time taking photos (again!) on the island until the ferry came.

i really like dining at the western restaurant at night... it's so so grand and romantic. so grand it even has dresscode. it feels like a big ballroom. even has a grand piano in the middle of the huge room. and the food was so good! it's almost like what you'd expect to be served in a restaurant.. the best part is... order as MUCH as you LIKE! wooots for pple like me. i ordered two sets (starter, main, desserts!) and gobbled everything up.

the jacuzzi was so relaxing.. there was like 4 jacuzzis around the swimming pool. my mum and i went to the indoor exercise pool first.. then we went out to the jacuzzi which has warm steamy water (shiok)... and finally i went to the swimming pool and swam several laps. felt really healthy for once.. truly satisfied. i brought gym stuff along but didn't get to use the gym.. too little time to spare. next time i'll make sure i use the gym! then go swim when i'm all sweaty!

hokay that's it for my cruise trip! really sound like a suaku here but i really like to go on a cruise! been on a cruise 4 times already but still somehow like it. guess it's refreshing to go once in awhile...

off to catch up on xinmsn!