i dun mean to sound depressed, but, it suddenly struck something in me when i realised that one by one, pple who liked me from the past/were once suitors are all getting attached, moving on with their lives happily.

and me, i'm still stuck at the same spot, i'm not moving on. i'm moving back and forth, definitely, but still swinging around the same zone.

i'm happy for them, definitely. i'm just not sure why i'm so stuck, when the whole world is moving on quickly, seemingly effortlessly.

i'm happy and carefree being single, i'm not saying i wanna get attached. but i just want to move on emotionally. i want to get rid of negative energy within me... i want to feel happy. i dun want to feel like there's a weight inside me, bogging me down, tying me back. i want to be, truly freee.. in every sense of the word.


i think i've made a decision.. i must move on. i must get rid of past shadows that haunt me day and night. i've no idea how to do it, but i think i must. even if it means i have to be hard hearted.. sigh.

now i feel stupid for feeling this way when 30 000 pple have just died in the earthquake and all the survivors have no idea how to carry on with life.

i just made myself feel worse.

flying to hk

all of a sudden my mum n i decided to tag along with my cousin to hong kong. freee accommodation at her hotel. decided on tues and booked tix on wed, before i even applied for leave. ok i admit the decision was kinda rash.. it was not so much an urge to go to hong kong, but rather, an intense need to just get a break, any break.

and what a disaster that caused.

tried to apply for 3 days leave for this trip. the 3 days being first week of sch hols, n technically speaking, we can only apply leave during sch hols so they can't reject our leave with no good reason.

but tada, my leave got rejected. like what the hell.

had to go into her office and do lotsa explaining before she reluctantly agreed.. but not before she gave me a lecture of cos....

sheesh. it's so hard to even take a 3 days leave. they work us like blardy slaves. i haven't even taken ONE day off this yr, and i'm just asking for a mere 3 days, during sch hols.

by now i'm honestly feeling jaded with the management.

and i'm honestly feeling all out of mood to go on hol anymore. for one, my schedule for those 3 days is starting to pile up, so now i've to push appointments off. then i have to clear lotsa work, cover my backside first before i can go to hk.. got a few deadlines..and the day right after i'm back, gotta go back to work to face the music n definitely.. hundreds of emails n junks to clear.

how to go with a peace of mind... sighhh

but like my colleagues said, work here will always come fast n furious and there wont ever be a good time to take leave.. so, just do it. really, from jan - dec we dun seem to have any lull periods... sianz. work allll the wayyy..

ok, i shall try my best to look forward to it amidst all adversity. arghhhh

and i shall try to recover from my bad throat n cough before i leave.. :(

anyone who can recommend anything good in hk please say...:)

i'm honestly looking forward mainly to po lo bao, mango desserts, hk noodles, dim sum, macau almond cookies n pork floss rolls and roast goose! no shopping this time... err i'll try. low budget trip!

so, i'll be gone from 24 - 28 may!

play the piano if you will

i think i'm a tad pissed off with the neighbour upstairs.

for years, whatever new pieces i play on the piano, she'd follow suit within weeks or months.

from my richard clayderman pieces (fine, everyone plays richard clayderman) to my sonatinen album, somehow she'd get hold of all the exact pieces i play. even my classic version of pachelbel's canon. i played my "somewhere out there" written by my friend n absolutely would not be in the hands of any other, and found her striking these tunes soon after. luckily, she'd nv have my exact version. and for the past few weeks, i'm into jay chou's "the secret", and today i hear her striking the same notes as well.

what the hell?!

i pride my findings of classic or limited versions of certain pieces, and thankfully these have not landed in her hands. why the hell does she play whatever i play??

in any case, it's not so much about copycat actions, as it is about the fact that her rendition of these pieces are absolutely tasteless. fine, i'm not that great a pianist myself. but i think each person who attempts a piece should put in his/her personal flavour and nuances into it at the very least.

but for years, i've been hearing this same pianist living above me, play pieces after pieces, without so much as a personal touch to them. she rushes thru each piece, strikes all the wrong chords, at the wrong speed, wrong tune, wrong softness/loudness. pianissimo, forte, my dear. at the right times.

gosh, i think nothing irritates u more than hearing some of your favourite pieces being thrashed into trash within minutes under the fingers of someone who doesn't bother.

it's indeed a great distress to the ears.

i'm imperfect, of course, but i try. i think at least that's what i do.

as it turns out, my plan of self-quarantine didn’t quite get executed…

i fell sick on monday night after drinking the soup and had to let mummy take care of me.. still had to work on tuesday as i was on course. was so sick and still had to last through the course, with the singh shooting qns my way, swear i was gonna blackout there and then! was on mc yesterday and spent the day sleeping away. my first “off” day of the year!

somebody at the course i attended passed the virus to me.. either the virus was really power packed or my immune constituency is really frail.. i have the tendency to believe it’s the latter, especially upon recalling how, half a yr back i merely had an hr long work review session with my throat-infected RO and the next day, i had the same throat inflammation and fever and fell miserably ill. brrr.

I need vitamins!!!

need to dodge from sick pple!

this morning had a big meeting very first thing… all the big shots from the various branches were there.. including our director! had to do an on-the-spot presentation.. kana sabo-ed… was still so drowsy from all the medication.. luckily i didn’t crap out.. sigh this project is making me heady.. so intensive..

alright.. gonna take medicine and have a good night’s rest.

gobbledegook

as i'm typing this, i'm drinking my canned soup (chicken with veggies). other than the fact that this is the only thing i eat with veggies inside and still reasonably like, this is also my dinner for tonight..

of cos i'm not having it as dinner cos i like it that much.. give me dim sum, bedok bak chor mee or chomp chomp food anytime la... but this is the next best thing i can have if i wanna coop myself up in my room and avoid having to eat with my family and not starve at the same time.

so my plan for this week of emo days is to do just that, stay in my room and have my dinners here. in fact i went to the supermarket and bought a few days' worth of soups, biscuits and what nots. i hope my supply can last. tmr's menu should be clam chowder soup.

this must sound really crazy and depressing. but it happens when you meet crazy family members as well. sometimes a love-hate relationship is the most torturous of all. you try so hard to love them, but get hurt time and again.

for now, i just want nothing to do with them. want nothing to do with their sudden senseless property investment, out of some whim. all their crazy business ventures which dun ever seem to work out anyway. all their investments in stocks or wateva. they make me hate investments and finances. and my personal issues, i dun ever want to share with her again.. it sucks when pple hurt you most at a time when they know u're struggling with something..

now that i've finished my soup, the worst thing is that a friend just called up to ask me out for dinner. brrr. what great timing. of cos i'd love to get out of this coop of a house.. but i've finished my soup :( was thinking earlier on to get friends accompany me for dinner, but decided to face this myself and just lock up in my room... afterall, i have ali, good good, pooh and dumbo. i know i'm really fixated on pillows and soft toys, but trust me when i say they're the most loyal and trustworthy comfort friends sometimes.

okie.. anyway, back to my heading. gobbledegook is a real word! just learnt it today at my concept paper writing course.

language characterized by circumlocution and jargon, usually hard to understand: the gobbledegook of government reports.

Synonyms - gibberish, doubletalk, bosh, mumbo jumbo.

hah.. sounds totally like my writing sometimes... think i need to kick it soon.. what with the advice given by my trainer that in the civil service, ur writing ability is correlated with ur rising thru the ranks...

wateva... i'm gonna read my novel, eat, slack, watch tv now... gonna lock my room to prevent anyone from coming in....