right now i feel like puking. dunno why. each time i get my period i'd feel like puking and having diarrhoea. my whole system just feels damn screwed and bloated.

reading blogs of people with fairy tale lives just makes me a tad more miserable than i already am, and makes me feel like i have nothing.

i dunno whether these pple just manage to paint the good side of their lives so well, or they really have impeccable lives to die for. i do personally know of one or two girls with everything -- brains, beauty, figure, fashion sense, character, money, great family, and a doting cute hubby/bf and big rocks to top it off.

now who says God is fair?

anyway, third week into my iphone life, and i'm gonna declare: I'm in LOVE with my iphone!!

when i first got it, i really really liked it. but after 2 weeks of really using it and knowing all its beauty, i'm falling in love.

today i learnt a lesson.

i was unsatisfied with my iphone screen protector because the person who stuck it for me created bubbles under it. but i really liked it because it's glossy and i hate the anti-glare type. so i decided to pay some shop $5 for another glossy screen protector and got the guy to stick it for me. and it turns out to be even uglier cos it's half glossy half anti-glare! hence, even though the new one doesn't have bubbles underneath, i still prefer my old one though it's flawed. =(

taught me a lesson to be satisfied with what i have. but can i?

i realised that online shopping is something i can't kick. that's because it's fast becoming a painkiller and stress reliever. i need it as if it's some kind of fast acting drug, for the effects it gives not for the products i get. when i receive my goods i just chuck them aside. am i sick or something?

life's becoming so horribly mundane. sure, going out and having company is still fun and all, but even that is becoming boring in itself. i still enjoy the little things in my life and the stuff i like to do.... but i find no bigger purpose in life, no plans, no direction and future. it's like when we were studying, there's something "bigger" to look forward to and anticipate life after graduation. it's almost as if anything can happen. but now that i've been "here" for a couple of years, i feel like there's nothing else anymore. i try to look into the future and can't see myself there. i just don't look forward to anything. and the feeling is scary.

it's like tomorrow is tuesday... i'm gonna have a meeting followed by school visit after that. then comes wed, and i'm gonna have another school visit, then thursday i'm gonna make a stupid presentation again, have meeting again, then friday, office day... after work got farewell party...then the weekend repeats itself again.. then monday, monday blues... tuesday.. work..

life is so boring. gawd.

this is the weekend after work review and it feels damn good knowing it's over and behind me... i survived it! didn't go too badly afterall. but as gruelling and torturous as usual.. a good 2.5 hrs.

i downloaded so many iphone apps over the last 2 days. spent much of my waking time playing games.. one after another. so fun! super addicted and hooked. i'm so dead. i'm not gonna survive without playing games in the office. how to last through the day??!

the phone batt dies so fast. less than 24hr cos i kept using it. sigh... gotta charge everyday, that's the only hassle. only 1 week with my phone and it already went flat twice when i was out, and twice i couldn't bring my phone out cos it's charging halfway thru.

but i heart my phone... so much! should have gotten it longgg ago, at whatever price.

finally finally.... i went to the salon to get a haircut. believe it or not, my last haircut dates back 1 yr! the ends are so frayed and gross.... i finally got everything chopped off and even rebonded my hair. one shot spent the whole afternoon in the salon, armed with my iphone of cos. cut about 3 inches and my head feels damn light now.

my hacking cough will never go away... became worse yesterday after drinking a super cold honey green tea. i hate the cough feeling. my throat is perpetually itchy. each time i breathe even, my throat will be tickled. it's those dry cough type and i cough until my lungs wanna drop out, and i feel so irritated by my own cough sounds.

tmr is monday but somehow it doesn't feel that blue.... i badly need to go somewhere for a vacation or staycation though... really really really...

sometimes it feels like we are from different worlds, isn't it?

what's with men and egocentrism??

men and egocentrism go hand in hand, across the millenniums and over generations.

seriously, when will men ever evolve to think more about others and less about themselves?? they place their own needs and everything about themselves in the centre of their world, such that they expect all others around them to be looking thru world's lens with their eyes too.

i'm just so so saddened by what my mum told me today. it's about my brother again, and i just feel this deep sense of helplessness and rage. i feel so sad for my mum, having to shoulder all these issues and taking the blame.

apparently my brother is complaining (again) that he lacks freedom and space to do what he wants at home. he cited the example of me bathing when he needs to use the toilet, and that noise levels at home are high and he can't rest. i find it so ridiculous that i find myself at the brink of fury.

u mean now i'm not supposed to bathe when HE's at home because he may need to use the toilet anytime??? since when don't families wait for one another, or go to the other toilet when one is in use?? i swear i've never hogged the toilet before, and the max i take to bathe is 20mins. does he mean i've never waited for him to finish using the toilet?? he takes half an hour to shit, and i still have to bear with the smell after that for god's sake. have i ever complained about such a stupid detail?

noise levels. *breathes* I'M the one supposed to have issues with HIS noise levels, cos who the hell plays drums in the middle of the night at 2am, and I'M the one who bloody wakes up at 7am each morning, while he sleeps till late morning?? so what kind of noise level is he talking about? i'm seldom even home to make any noise to begin with. the loudest sound i make is probably typing on my keyboard furiously now??

his complaints before this were, for one, he accused me of not locking our main door and thus compromising the safety of his belongings. to which i've denied because i'm someone who won't forget such a thing. it was later found to be my parents and we've all tried to be more cautious after that since it's for the safety of everyone.

second, he claims that we take away his freedom at home by bringing guests home. to which we've IMMEDIATELY rectified by not bringing anymore guests home from last year on.

Oh, then he also complains when my house phone rings, because from HIS perspective, what's the point of people calling our house phone when we all have handphones? Again, we're all disturbing the majesty's rest at home by having the house phone ring.

then when i bought a cheapo dvd player home for my mum, he was upset and claims that it'll scratch his "genuine" dvds. and he was apparently so upset that my mum doesn't dare to use it at all. so now it's just sitting there.

my mum even offered to let him have the master bedroom so that he can have his own toilet.

seriously, why must the whole family make sacrifices and compromises just to please him?? and one complaint is just followed by another complaint from him. he made the whole family so upset by making these unreasonable accusations and demands.

and throughout all these, has there been any self-reflection on his part?? of how he could also have disrupted our functioning at home in some way, but we all try to tolerate with him too? it's ALL about HIM, HIM and HIM.

I can't take it anymore....

he's not the only male i know of who's so egocentric and inconsiderate. there's many many many out there. of course i'm not saying all men are like this. but at least, alot of the men whom i've met in my life are, and i hate it! they make my life super miserable.

anyway, i'd be glad if he moves out. he's one person whom i won't ever need to see again. i'm only worried about my parents especially my mum, as i know she'll be devastated and lonely.

i'm sad whenever i think about how he has never played a brotherly role in my life, and i've never known brotherly love before. he has made my life miserable from young by being such a negative and anti-social element in the family. several things he did made me feel inadequate during my growing up years and it took a long while before i walked out of his shadow and found myself. he has never played a son's role to my parents as well and i feel so sad for them.

i know i definitely don't need him in my life, but i'm just so saddened by everything and all the unhappiness caused.

got my long-awaited iphone yesterday and i'm happieee cos it's so nice to use and the interface is great! it's such a nice departure from my lousy samsung... which is slow and hangy all the time and can only store 100 sms! gawd. i spend half the time waiting for applications to open and deleting smses. i have such impatience that fast things are good for me. those days are over!

anw before i got the phone i was in such a dilemma whether i should get 3GS or wait for 4G.. but after hearing so many bad reviews and being so tired of waiting, i decided to just go for the 3GS first... prolly wait till 4G is more settled in then see how..

to think of it i'm actually quite an apple geek... i have an ipod nano, macbook, sold an itouch and now i have an iphone too! i need an ipad to complete the family but i seriously dunno what's the use of an ipad. anyway, even though i own all these stuff i gotta admit that i'm still an apple idiot and prolly dunno how to use half the functions. i'm still very lost with regards to itunes and iphoto etc!

just signed up for 2 citibank cards today.. and received them on the same day! abit impulsive and think my bills are gonna go up so i gotta step up my monitoring of my expenditure and bills... which i totally suck at.

i'm not looking forward to the longest hellish week whereby i'll prolly OT everyday and worst of the very all, i'm going to meet PRATA and spend a torturous 3 hours of work review with her. just kill me now..

i'm so sianz just thinking of work nowadays i think it's gonna become a phobia pretty soon. i think it'll soon reach a state whereby merely the sight of my work clothes or work bag will give me stomach upsets and nausea. they just added 3 more schools to my load and i seriously wanna tell them, i'm not just up to my neck, i'm up to my head already.

gonna watch WC finals tonight.... will turn up a zombie at work tomorrow but dun care la... i'll promise myself i won't OT too long tmr!

utterly exasperated, frustrated and extremely angry with someone right now. i wish i could strangle someone. anyone!

i think i've lived and learnt long enough to know that some things can NEVER change.

no matter how u yell, talk, force, negotiate, demand, scream, cry, cajole, threaten, whatever, you can never make somebody who he is not.

some wood blocks will always remain wood blocks and will never know what is wrong.

note to self: it's just really high time to let go and move the hell on.