tired. depressed. things are not looking so good.

came home to do more work after OT... work work work.. i'm really going crazy.

had a nice dinner with gal friends yesterday at a jap place (nice food). about the only good thing that happened to me in awhile. but beneath those laughter, nobody knows the hidden pain.

returned home last night and true enough had another fight with my mum. tears, door slams, throwing things, and i told her i'm going to move out of the damn house today. i hate myself for not having the means and heart to.

woke up in the middle of the night in pain (cramps pain) and ended up spending the next two hours in the toilet puking out my nice jap food. near blackout again. took panadol n managed to sleep at 4plus.

the whole of today was so weak in the knees n still had to do school visits. more panadols. was so tired i nodded off a couple of times during meeting with school. paiseh x 10. luckily my supervisor knows i'm not feeling well. can't take mc in my job. didn't even occur to me to take mc until somebody asked why. work is so packed now i wont even dream of it.

i'm so busy with work i can't breathe anymore. i feel constricted. my march calendar is filled up all the way to the 31st already.

yet i can't get proper sleep at home. noises from the bro, his xbox, door slams, keep me awake till wee hours, or wake me up a few times through the night. i wake up at 7am each morning, a zombie.

i'm so tired. tired tired tired.

a presentation to make at branch meeting tmr. 8,30am. gotta go office at 8. haven't prepare my speech. no more brain cells left to think now. yet i know if i dun type this out and vent out my anger, i can't get to work.

last night while crying to sleep i think i muttered something like pls let me die, over and over again. i'm not sure if i meant it, and tt's the scary part. i know i sound like a wreck. and i think i am. i think i'm having some of the worst days of my life for these past few weeks.

the quarrels have escalated to talks of divorce.

i'm tired of hearing talks about divorce for so many years.

i tried to calm my mum down by saying some good things about my dad, but it just angered her more. and she took out her anger on me.

i lost it when she said something like i may not understand, but one day the same thing will happen to me too.

i told her that if she hopes that for me, then fine. i'm ok with it.

and she went on to say something else that i dun want to remember again, but i think i will.

i went to my room and felt hot tears streaming down uncontrollably. i wanted to wipe them off and tell myself i'll never cry for them again, but my useless eyes just betray me time and again.

i think that to a very large extent, my parents have shaped my skeptical views on love and marriage. i think it has shaped me to be a perfectionist when it comes to love, believing that i must find a perfect guy to marry, or else i'd end up like them. and as long as i feel that the guy is lacking something, i'd rather not try, for fear of getting hurt and disappointed.

sometimes i dun believe that things can ever work out for me. seeing them like this for the past 20 years has made me feel like a good marriage is not possible. but i still have this glimmer of hope and belief deep within me that i can still find happiness one day. this glimmer falters and wavers at times, and then i tell myself to forget it. it's so hard to hang on to hope.

i know that i worry too much, expect too much... i dun want to either. my parents' rship has just affected me too deeply since a very young age. u have no idea how much a mum's years of miserable grievances and complaints about ur dad can do to your faith in men..

i ache for my mum, for her not being able to have the kind of marriage she wants.. i ache for my dad, for him not being able to have the kind of marriage he wants.. it's a match made in folly, that i can say for sure. it shocks and saddens me to know how much two persons can hate each other and be so bitter after so many years..

i had a not-so-good day.

let me start with my parents' quarrel (which was so silly).

i came home and had my shower, and was sitting on the living room couch... my dad came to read his book on the couch too. was feeling quite blissful for a moment.. i mean, my dad is sitting close by to me (rare occasion!) and my mum is offering to cut fruits for me.. so fortunate right?

so wat happened was,

mum: i've cut some papaya for u, u want some now?

me: cannot la... i'm too full.. i ate 5 meals today (which was true, by the way)!

mum: but fruits can help u lose weight (she commented i'm abit fat earlier on)

dad: where got such thing.. who tell u fruits can lose weight

mum: you dun go and analyse so much into the food i eat ah.. u ah, think eat so much veggie and only veggie good for health meh? everyday only cook veggie for me.. eat until my whole body pain

dad: eh u dun want to eat my cooking then dun eat la! dun always pick on my cooking!! cook for yourself!!

mum: ok fine! i won't eat ur cooking ever again. everytime say i eat too much meat. since you're so niao, u dun cook for me!! save ur money also. anyway u're always so irresponsible, never take responsibility for this family!!

blah blah blah.

there goes my one minute of parental bliss.
to some extent i actually feel that i caused them to quarrel. cos of the stupid papaya. but yet i feel so innocent too. sigh.

already had a rough day at work earlier on. was asked at the last minute to replace someone to attend this course for today, tmr and fri (afternoons) - this course costs 2K per pax (it's quite stressful to go for training too, because u're expected to learn from it, apply it to your work and share with everyone). so tt means, i have even lesser time to clear work in the office!! was struggling like mad this morning. wanted to cry.

the course is held at spring singapore (so far!!), and it ends at 6.30pm, when we're supposed to knock off at 6pm, and 5.30pm on fri. so i thought of fri. i'm gg to catch dim dum dollies.. was so looking forward to it, thinking i can knock off earlier, go for an un-rushed dinner first. now it looks like i have to rush like mad to esplanade. sighhh. and we can't claim transport for trainings!!! how idiotic is that??!

and then i think of tmr. i'm soooo dead tmr.

i have only half an hour to do work tmr: 8.30am - 9am.
9am - 12pm - going for another training
12-2pm - having a meeting (we're ordering mcdonalds to eat during the meeting, cos no time to go for lunch.. how pathetic. it happens so often here we have a term for it - "working lunch")
2 - 6.30pm - training at spring singapore.
i dun even know how i'm going to rush from pt A to pt B to pt C. can i teleport?

how to do anything in half an hour!?!! i have a work review to submit thru the online system (blardy headache i tell u..) which would take maybe 1 or 2 hrs at least. endless emails to read and reply. things to prepare to share at the noon meeting. documents to finalize and print out. advertorial to draft out to recruit research assistants.

wat the heck!!! %^&#*!$@

of books and movies

recently i've been on a books and movies indulgence.

the kite runner is a fantastic read. the portrayal of human nature was aptly written, its tangle of love, hate, jealousy, power, ugliness, all set against the backdrop of afghanistan at its worst. the movie, however, was unable to capture the entirety of the story, missing small but substantially crucial details some of which central to the theme.. but all in all, an above average movie, if only to put faces and images to the characters n settings in the book.. the kite flying scenes were captivating, afterall.

it's funny how movies adapted from books are so often not as successful as their printed counterparts. most times i'm inclined to think it's because certain stories are always best explained by words. the beauty of the language can never fail to capture all subtleties. from harry potter to memoirs of a geisha to charlie and the chocolate factory to the da vinci code to the devil wears prada, i can only say that their movies have done no justice to the words written to captivate their readers. and until i watch a movie which is justifiably better than its book, i shall remain believing so.

and then i watched chick flicks as well... 27 dresses and p.s. i love you! nice shows to watch with the gals.. cried a fair bit at p.s. i love you.. such a sweet but heartwrenching show.. gonna read the book soon. someone i dunno sent it to me..hmm.. and did i mention gerard butler is oh so cute... gawd. he's everything i want in a guy. *swoons* i think he's also the spartan man in 300 or the troy guy.. can't rem.. it's either one. sighh. i want him.

deathnote was mediocre.. it's probably nice by itself, but if u view it from the deathnote series' point of view, u'd be utterly disappointed (like how i was) because it has absolutely nothing to do with deathnote.. the whole show is about virus terrorism n how L fought against it.. hmm.. nope, utterly no deathnote flavour at all. it might as well be named 'the virus' or something and save everyone the disappointment. it's quite sick how the makers tried to jump on the success of the previous sequels..

sweeney todd was an interesting show.. in a very dark and morbid way. the first one or two killings were quite frightfully thrilling, but after sweeney slashed the necks of like twenty men, it starts getting really sick and nauseating.. abit too much blood everywhere..hmm, not exactly my genre.

okiee next up on my to-watch list are feast of love, the diving bell and the butterfly, fool's gold (my fav kate hudson and matthew mcConaughey!!), becoming Jane.. and i know along the way i'd probably also watch shows like the spiderwick chronicles and the water horse, although these are not really on my list..

am now reading stardust.. i love the prose! and there's still a long list to read.. a thousand splendid suns, p.s. i love you, for one more day, the shopaholic series (see if i can get my hands on it)..

okie.. writing off.. tmr's the start of another busy week.. can't believe how fast the weekend got by.. not enough rest!!

catharsis time

I hate holidays.

Simply because it means that once you go back to work, you’ll be swamped and totally engulfed by the amount of work u’ve accumulated over the few days of break…

Holidays are like the calm before the storm. A signal that life can’t be so great…

Sigh… I’m seriously stressed out now. Sooooo much work!!

I have meetings after meetings.. but I dun even have time to sit down in the office to work on those things we discussed over meetings. I’ve to bring home all the work that I’m supposed to do in the office, simply because most of the time I’m out of the office and can’t even do those things… emails, reports, proposals, data compilation, notes of meetings, powerpoint slides…

… and it’s not just the amount of work, but work that sometimes I’m not even sure I know how to handle within my capacity. I need to be so brainy, to be able to articulate my ideas, viewpoints, suggestions, be informed of the millions of things going on in our setting, be knowledgeable in special needs, be able to think ahead, talk intelligently and fluently with superiors and peers who are so highly educated: scholars, doctorate holders, postgrads from Harvard, ucl, cambridge… to impact on policies and systems that would be rolled out to hundreds of schools here… I’m just not so sure all these are within my capacity, and many times I’ve felt so utterly challenged, so overwhelmed by all tt’s going on. Before I can even make sense of something, I’m being swamped by something else.

Sure they warned us that HQ is a pressure cooker… that it’s super fast paced because we need to inform and impact on schools.. we’re doing all the planning that are to be rolled out in schools…it’s intellectually stimulating, as they call it here..

But I certainly didn’t expect it to be like this. So fast, so heavy, so demanding, so… intellectual. i can't think of a time i can just rest my mind and dun have to think.

The work that we do is definitely great and impactful.. it’s definitely helping lots out there.. it’s fulfilling and meaningful surely, which is what I seek in the first place. But just how much can I handle and cope with the pressure.. I’m not sure anymore…it’s taking such a toll on me, taxing me and sapping my energy. Killing my brain cells not to mention…

Real work has just started for me and I can’t seem to take it already… just had work review (never fail to dampen my mood) today and my RO has sooo much more expectations from me still.. apparently doing our work well is not enough (think that’s only C grade). We have to go beyond, stretch our limits, offer to do things such as conducting trainings even when we’re not expected to, initiate more ideas and things we can do to contribute beyond our scope, basically, to be superhumans.

Alright.. I just came home from work only and I still haven’t bathe.. had to vent out everything first before i go crazy… gonna bathe and start typing a process chart tt’s due tomorrow morning for a meeting… seriously, I dun even have a clue on how to write this thing. but wateva..

picture post

i think my blog lacks pictures...

the past few mths of posts has just been a collection of mundane ramblings...

i'm feeling so random now i'm gonna post random pics (the only thing u can do on CNY eve when the only place u have to be is home).. as random as possible .


... so i got a new haircut for the new year. decided to cut some fringe but the hairdresser took one bunch and snapped it off. ouch. ok la.. my colleagues think i look nicer. others think otherwise. anyhow, i'll make do.





i passed by a shop and thought this Mr McDonalds looked so cute and bloated. couldn't resist snapping a picture (right under "No photography" sign, according to char).

last min CNY shopping: a pair of $10 heels! i didn't manage to buy any CNY clothes (wearing old clothes next 2 days). surprising i can find clothes whole year round all 11 months but can't find a single decent piece in feb.

an ultra cute clinique happy lolli given by a colleague (i still dunno which one). it's on my desk since xmas n i haven't eaten it. i saw 2 dead ants inside earlier on. i wonder if the flavour tastes like the perfume.

this tells me how much work i have right after cny. my entire planner is filled with dates for this month already.. meetings after interviews after workshops after school visits... i have one day left blank so far (bound to be filled up soon) to stay in the office to do the pile of paperwork i accumulate by being out of office everyday... how to finish la.. after cny can go crazy

here's some beautiful roses at my cousin's house over xmas...

i loved them so much me n mummy went to far east flora to buy a few bunches too... the export roses are Huge. and ultra pretty.

and in the midst of the bunches is this special stalk branching out 2 roses... i've nv seen it before.. so pretty!! shaped like a heart.

ali!!! my favourite thing in the world. he went for "spring cleaning" too. my mum washed him and changed his cotton. sobs.

my sweet darling and i'm gonna see her soon..

i'm now in the midst of reading the kite runner... a superb book i must say. was just telling someone tt i managed to cry within the first 20 pages. no kidding. must quickly read finish and catch the movie before it runs out.

alrighty, like all bimbos (although i'm really not one) i'm gonna paint my nails for cny now...

tata! happy cny everyone.