quiet sundays

i love spending some quiet time at home on sundays.

breakfast and lunch with mummy, market shopping and stuff. she's spending more time at home nowadays, and i've been spending quite abit of time with her. and talking thru lotsa issues that i'm facing now. rship advice. from mum. lol. i'm really thankful for all the quality time.

i just realised mummy has got a very cartoon character. how she can always talk n chit chat n laugh with all my friends, how my friends who met her all love her and think she's v friendly and cute. she's the kind who can actually go out with me and my friends. lol. sometimes the way she talks can drive me up the wall. but i think she's just really sweet. talks like a little gal.. some say like me. hmmz. she talks a little too much at times. heh. just gotta bear with it and pretend u're v interested la. oops.

she's really so cute. a moment ago she was shouting to my bro from her room, "hey, do u want to drive us out to play??". diaoo.

miss my aunt cindy alot too. another ultra cute character. loads of laugh with her. and her baby jiaying. haven't seen them for god knows how long. bought a little mermaid storybook for her bday, cos she told me over the phone that's wat she wants. heee. they were on their way to my home just now, but couldn't reach us on the phone so they turned back. sigh. miss my aunt n baby ethan n jarrel too. they're moving home today n i miss their old house alr.

okiess... sundays to me are meant to be just peaceful, quiet days at home, alone or with the family. i love spending this kind of time. time for us to collect our thoughts, have a rest from the week. no rushing. no planning. i wish i can spend more sundays with mum. do stuff like baking, cooking, stitching, like we used to.

these are the kind of things in life that make me feel blessed.

work starts tmr. hmmz.

on the job side

sometimes when we all talk bout jobs, i feel like i can't fit in with the discussion. nobody seems to understand why i'm interested in the type of jobs i'm interested in, nobody knows anything bout it, nobody cares bout this sector. most of the time, i can't be bothered to explain either.

i can't help but feel that the level of community awareness and concern is pretty much lacking, or rather, not bothered, by pple my age. everyone's concern seems to be that of money, glamour, cars, practicality, profits.. blah blah. when pple start asking me wat types of job i'm applying for, they seriously go huh.

okies, in any case, things are looking a weee bit up on the job side. although it's only a temp one to start off with, i'm getting started nevertheless. :) whether my application is gonna be approved in the end (geez, all the govt red tapes and paperwork procedures), i'm glad i'm having the chance to try it out first, and if things do not turn out well or wateva, i'm just gonna start the jobhunt again. and besides, i have the mcys offer to fall back on. so all's good.

pretty happy with the way things turned out at mcys the other day. fate has it that i had to bump into my ex-director in the HR office, when there are like 18 storeys in the building, at the exact timing i was scheduled there too. he recognised me and asked to speak to me after the interview, and actually offered me a job in the division i used to intern in. gasp. and one of the interviewers from the panel also asked to have a chat with me, and she told me more bout the job, the dept, and actually offered me the job on the spot. i'm just really thankful for these options given to me, at a time when i really need them too. met up with my ex-supervisor and colleagues that day, and all the concern and advice from them really cheered me up, and i suddenly miss the time when i was an intern there. all the fun with the other 4 lovely interns, the care shown to us by the seniors, made the internship really so worthwhile. i rem at that time, the directors would jokingly tell me that when i grad in a year's time, they'd offer me a job in my division. i din know that they'd actually hold true to their words. gosh.

i really like the friendly culture in mcys. nevertheless i chose the opportunity in moe over mcys, and i'm really crossing my fingers that things would go well next week, since this is something i think i can find meaning in, and something that i really, really want to do for children. i dunno wat to expect yet, i just hope it turns out to be something along my vision and outlook. i'm really gonna go there with an open mind and heart, and see wat they have in store for me. if things dun go well, i know i have other options, and i shouldn't feel upset.

okies, now, it's really on to more catching up and enjoying life for the next few pathetic days before work week starts (8.30am days no less), and adjusting my sleeping clock asap, hopefully.

:)

p/s: been wanting so much to update on my convo, whereby i had a rather lovely time with lovely peeps. loads of pics to upload. i promise i'll do it soon!

all the good and the bad happened in one day.

wireless internet was down this morning (since last night) and i couldn't do much research to prepare for the interview. but thank goodness for a friend who actually sent me highly classified info related to the job i'm applying for, and they proved really useful to me. then, i was trying to search high and low for a psych textbook to help me recap on certain childhood disorders, and just couldn't find it anywhere. ok fine, this one's my fault for not making sure earlier that it's around.

then a surprise at 10am. received a bouquet of roses in my fav colour, from someone quite unexpected, and it kinda really cheered me up. other than the delivery uncle who was knocking so frantically that my door was gonna be banged down anytime, all's well and fine.

then at noon i tried to grab some lunch. wanted to have more time to prepare so i thought i shld probably just eat some bread. but guess wat, the peanut butter's gotta be emptied at this time. so had to waste more time cooking yucky instant noodles.

after that, i was so absorbed in reading up materials that i actually forgot the time. supposed to get on the bus at 2pm but somehow an internal clock told myself to get changed at 2pm. it's surprising i'm making this kind of mistake, considering how anal i am bout such things. anyway so i was in a frenzy and managed to dress up in 10mins sharp. decided to take a cab.. but halfway walking to the road, i realised i forgot to take the slip of paper on which i have written down the address of my interview.

ran upstairs in my heels, hair flying about, shirt came untuck. i was in a mess and ashamed of myself. but finally. managed to hail a cab by 2.30pm, the very nice taxi uncle assured me he'll get me there ten mins before my scheduled time, and he began chatting to me, asking me not to feel so nervous, telling me bout his family, asking me bout my interview.. and he said one thing which made my day: life is all about happiness. and this is exactly my philosophy in life. so, smiles. he was so sweet he even waited to see me get to the podium counter before he left.

okiee... then the interview. i saw this long list of applicants... and recognised bout ten of them from my psych cohort. some of them i know are so suited for the job, can talk really well, and have better degrees than mine. i really tried not to let that get to me, and i know that i did my best for the interview. wateva i said came from my heart, and that's the very least i could have done. at least the panel of 4 interviewers din scare me, and they were all smiles at the end. asked me if i can start work immediately if i was called up. hopefully these are good signs. so, no worries, whether i get the job or not. :)

then the next bad thing. was at the bus stop waiting for my bus. this mercedes pulled up, and the driver was waving and smiling frantically at me. i thought maybe it's a friend or something.. so i walked near to the car to get a better look. i couldn't recognise him, but he looked faintly like an ex boss. i asked him who he is, do i know him? and he kept laughing and asking me to get up the car.. blah blah.. mentioned something like he's somebody's friend. i was getting really irritated by then cos i couldn't recognise him, and couldn't decipher wat he was saying, and he just kept asking me to get up the car first. blardy hell. i think he was just trying to get me up his car. shitass irritated i was. brrrr. gave him annoyed look and quickly hopped on my bus when it came behind.

on the bus, no better. throughout the one hr ride home, this old uncle was sitting opposite me, directly facing me. and gawd he was just staring me up and down the entire trip. and other girls too. and his hand was so suspiciously close to his crotch. yuck. made me so regret wearing a skirt today. at times like this i really hate species of the opposite sex. arghhhh. dirty piece of shit.

in the evening, i took a good jog. nothing lifts my spirits and clears my mind like a good jog does. i love the fresh air, the adrenaline rush and the slow walk home, looking at nature and stuff. it all feels very healthy and fresh. just wat i need.

i'm having a very bad time of my life. sometimes i just wish pple understand, without me having to explain. u know, right now, i really just want to be focused on getting a job. this is so important to me, and now with the right opportunity round the corner, i dun wanna miss it. i know i'm not in tip-top condition both emotionally and mentally, and i know i could have done so much better without all the distractions i'm having now, but i'm really just trying and giving my best. so yea, few days of really shutting myself at home, spending quiet time thinking and preparing. i'm still thankful for pple who really care and believe in me. really appreciate that.

okiee.. next up, interview at 10.30am tmr. after that, my 3-day marathon's over :)

argh. i hate this situation i'm in.

this situation whereby i'm trying hard to focus on really immediate things at hand, such as preparing for the scary 2 hr unseen research-and-report-churning test in 9 hours' time, while trying to squeeze out other thoughts from my mind.

i'm now really trying to think, wat would be good for children? what do i want to do for them if i wanna protect them? i want my answers to come from my heart.

then other thoughts will come into my mind and irritate the hell outta me.

argh. i really just wanna concentrate on my mon-tues-wed marathon. i'm utterly not prepared, and in a very bad state of emotional readiness at that. i need all the quietness and peace of mind i can get.

but yet everyone from all directions are talking to me bout other issues. even now, past midnight, i'm still getting those smses and msns. i've been saying, i really need to concentrate on my interviews. really really need.

other issues, pls hang on. i'm bothered by them, yea, but i'm determined to push them out of sight for now. so please, help me on that. pple, really, leave me alone. if u know me well, i'm the kind who only want to be left alone before any tests/exams/interviews. if u wanna wish me luck, go ahead. but dun come talk to me bout other issues at this time when u know that's gonna put me down the most. i know everyone really cares, and i'm thankful for it, but this is just not the time. i really have this urge to perform well this time, get a career started. period. heck other things.

9 hours. freak. i dunno how to prepare for this type of test la.

dark period

these past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

there are just certain deep seated issues that have been tormenting me crazy. anyway, thanks to friends who are pulling me thru this period, accompanying me thru the shadows of life.

i dunno how to express it but i truly thank friends who have been there for me once they know how despondent i've been. friends who kept trying to get me out to talk bout it, forget bout it, drink our sorrows away (not letting me pay a single cent at that), go for movies, suppers, shopping, wateva it is that can get myself on my feet again and not stay home and cry and think and wateva. friends who do special things for u. friends who have a listening ear and a shoulder for crying. friends who are genuinely concerned. many of them.

i'm leading a crazy lifestyle. crazed up life. nights are day. days are night. i haven't seen my mum for 4 days. it sounds totally havoc, but it hurts me when pple just think i'm being havoc and enjoying myself when they dunno wat the hell i'm going thru now. i feel i just need to numb myself, to get a space to breathe, to get out of home. to forget everything. if u can't understand that, dun try to judge. u dunno nuts bout me. nuts bout what i'm thinking and feeling inside.

anyway, certain things i wonder.. isn't it right to pursue our own happiness? whateva makes us happy. or should we just be contented with what we have, look past all faults and flaws and mistakes, and just bear with things?

is it that a person who wants to pursue his/her own happiness, is being selfish? pple tend to look at things from the surface, dun they? the person who's complaining/isn't happy is in the wrong? sometimes, pple just assume that the person who voices things out, the person who feels unhappy, is in the wrong. they just dunno the whole story, right? certain things take 2 hands/many hands to clap. there must be something causing the unhappiness rite? so why is it that pple just refuse to look past the surface, and only blames the person who's not contented? why dun they try to see what's causing the discontent from his/her point of view?

just very random stuff. i just feel i've been running around so much, doing so much, i need to rest finally. i want to do something for myself for once. get a job. get started on a career. i'm trying to make that my top priority now. i'm hurt, i'm sad, i feel guilty, i'm confused, everything. but most of all, i'm determined to get out of this rut. and find myself what i truly want in life.