dark period

these past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

there are just certain deep seated issues that have been tormenting me crazy. anyway, thanks to friends who are pulling me thru this period, accompanying me thru the shadows of life.

i dunno how to express it but i truly thank friends who have been there for me once they know how despondent i've been. friends who kept trying to get me out to talk bout it, forget bout it, drink our sorrows away (not letting me pay a single cent at that), go for movies, suppers, shopping, wateva it is that can get myself on my feet again and not stay home and cry and think and wateva. friends who do special things for u. friends who have a listening ear and a shoulder for crying. friends who are genuinely concerned. many of them.

i'm leading a crazy lifestyle. crazed up life. nights are day. days are night. i haven't seen my mum for 4 days. it sounds totally havoc, but it hurts me when pple just think i'm being havoc and enjoying myself when they dunno wat the hell i'm going thru now. i feel i just need to numb myself, to get a space to breathe, to get out of home. to forget everything. if u can't understand that, dun try to judge. u dunno nuts bout me. nuts bout what i'm thinking and feeling inside.

anyway, certain things i wonder.. isn't it right to pursue our own happiness? whateva makes us happy. or should we just be contented with what we have, look past all faults and flaws and mistakes, and just bear with things?

is it that a person who wants to pursue his/her own happiness, is being selfish? pple tend to look at things from the surface, dun they? the person who's complaining/isn't happy is in the wrong? sometimes, pple just assume that the person who voices things out, the person who feels unhappy, is in the wrong. they just dunno the whole story, right? certain things take 2 hands/many hands to clap. there must be something causing the unhappiness rite? so why is it that pple just refuse to look past the surface, and only blames the person who's not contented? why dun they try to see what's causing the discontent from his/her point of view?

just very random stuff. i just feel i've been running around so much, doing so much, i need to rest finally. i want to do something for myself for once. get a job. get started on a career. i'm trying to make that my top priority now. i'm hurt, i'm sad, i feel guilty, i'm confused, everything. but most of all, i'm determined to get out of this rut. and find myself what i truly want in life.