happy belated daddy's day

i know i'd never say happy daddy's day to u, but i need to get it off my chest by writing it down, even though u're never gonna be reading this, or knowing how i feel.

i think over the years, me and my dad have become more and more stranger-like. but our love for each other does remain in our hearts, i know.

i miss the time when i was a little gal and i was so much closer to him, like a daddy's gal. i'd call him puppy (cos mum is mummy), tease him, and when i played the piano, i'd run to him after each song and ask him whether it's nice. i only accepted the answer nice of cos. he'd secretly pour me cheese balls behind my mum's back (when i was bout 5). i have a pic of him carrying me and i was drinking coke and grinning the toothy grin. i have a pic of him holding my hand at his art exhibition.

daddy is someone who's quiet and doesn't like to say out his feelings. instead, he shows his love through little things, like buying me my fav food and leaving it on the table, buying me sweets even up till this day (but he won't hand me personally, he'd just put it on my table), handing me some money when he knows i'm hard up. mummy always say that i'm his favourite, that he'd show me his love in a different way, quietly.

he's not a rich dad, but he's much better in many ways than a rich dad would probably be. he pursued his passion. from the age of 20 he became an artist, and it became his lifelong passion. artists dun earn alot in singapore, but he does his best to support and provide for the family. we're not rich but we're sufficient, and i'm already more than contented enough. he's honest, upright, very humble, pay bills on the dot, doesn't smoke or drink or stay out late. he doesn't say sweet things or basically anything much at all, but he just does all these quietly for us.

if i have to choose all over again i'd choose him again. he's the only person in my life who went ahead and truly pursued his passion and talent. for that i already love and admire him so much. for having so much courage and determination. i know it must not have been easy for him to make that choice, though he doesn't say it. it's not easy being an artist in singapore, or even making that choice. how many of us truly dare to become someone we've always wanted to be since young? i've always wanted to be a designer and an artist since forever. my first and true love. but i was such a kuku and i totally didn't do anything to pursue it. instead i hid in my shell and doodled in my drawing blocks for myself to see. i chose instead to follow everyone up the road to university. till now i still have that dream but i just know it's not something possible to fulfill anymore, there are so many obstacles in society, and obstacles within myself that i know i wouldn't have the courage to overcome. but not daddy, he wouldn't be like this. how many of us would do something we like and not for the money at all? dad is known for charging overly low prices for his artwork. i know he didn't do it for the money. he did it because he enjoyed it. and he wanted to share his work.

and yes he did have a choice. when i was young and immature i ever thought, why din he choose to go to university instead, become a boss, maybe we'd be richer. now that i finally know and appreciate his choice, i feel ashamed for thinking that way when i was younger. the family doesn't say it out but i know all of us are so proud of him. esp my mum. i could see the pride on her face when she talks bout my dad winning prizes and awards, showing me his publications and stuff. she claims all the time she shouldn't have married an honest artist, but i know she's lying thru her teeth. lol.

and then i hurt him when i was growing up. the normal pains a parent would have, i guess. i was rebellious, refused to study and made him angry. those were my very dark sec school days. days whereby i hung out till late night with friends who were not very good for me (e.g friends who smoked and luckily i never did follow suit at that young age; among other types of friends whom i shan't mention), and then played truant since i was too tired to go to school the next day. days whereby i failed every single school subject except for english and chinese. made him worry by going out with boys at such a young age. days whereby me and my best friend would help each other cover up when we were really out with boys, and the best friend's parents called up my dad to complain bout my bad influence. sheesh. hee. i rem when i was in sec 2 i had a sort of puppy love, the first guy i know, and we used to chat on the phone till wee hours even with school the next day. that's the first time me and dad ever quarrelled seriously and i've never seen him so furious. in those days he would always pick up the phone from his room whenever i'm chatting, so that he could listen in. and he'd wait in the living room to scold me whenever i came home late at night. how i hated that and from then on, our rship turned sour. we no longer joked and talked.

and there was once i think i hurt my parents deep in a way. i used to have piano lessons on sat mornings. one friday i hung out with friends till very late. i called home to tell my parents that i dun wanna go for my piano lessons the next day. they were very angry. it doesn't sound like a big thing considering i played truant so often.. but that really hurt them i guess, cos they invested alot in my piano lessons.. and they were darn costly for us. all the books, lessons, exams. and somehow they always expected something out of my piano education.. i'm sorry but till now i'm getting nowhere with it. yet another regret.

now i'm more sensible and i guess i did prove myself that i can be trusted. by studying hard for all those crucial exams, making it thru to uni. i guess that's where my parents wanted to see me at, after being the worrying and rebellious child that my bro wasn't. now daddy has met my bf and he doesn't mind me talking on the phone at any time of the day, going out at any time of the day (though he worries bout me coming home alone). haha. since jc he has trusted me i think. and it's sweet in a way that he gave me freedom bit by bit over the years.

anyway, last sunday we didn't celeb father's day and i guess there's that bit of twinge in my heart still. my bro and i have always celebrated mother's day (and her bday), showering my mummy with prez, cards and dinners always. but with my dad, it has never been the case. we only celebrated it when my parents are on talking terms. this year, they are on talking terms but mum had to attend a meeting on sunday. hmm. last year i bought a shirt for my dad. that was my first prez for him i think. he never wore it. i think he doesn't like it. boo. this year i am afraid of rejection again so i din buy.

i have so many things to tell my dad. we dun talk much now.. only one or two sentences a day.. basic things like wat to eat for dinner.. but i actually love him deep down and i wish i have a chance to tell him all these things. i know i'd never do it, cos i'd chicken out. i seem so aloof to him but i hope he doesn't think i'm shutting him out of my life or anything. i'm trying to change this. trying to talk more with him. but i just can't seem to overcome the barrier.

but anyway puppy, i'm sorry for being a difficult child growing up, and i hope that i'm more sensible now and would think more for the family. i actually love u deep inside, but i just dunno how to express it to u. everyone has flaws as well as merits, and even though sometimes i wish u're the kind of father whom i can cuddle up in ur lap, or who'd sing me the song "butterfly kisses" on my wedding day, i have grown to accept and love u for who u are, and the whole family is actually proud of what u do. i hope our relationship will grow closer and that one day i could bring myself to tell u all these.

i think i tore a piece of my heart out to write all these down.