long ramblings. read only if u're free.

everything seems so gloomy now. like not a single thing is going well in my life.

my biggest worry now is mum.

went to her office to help her out again today, and i'm already feeling stressed doing her work, i can't imagine her coping with everything.

hate the way everyone just throw everything to her and say nice things at the same time. fakers. manipulative.

and even she drives me up the wall. being so perfectionistic, when this job offer is far far far below perfection. i mean, i understand that we must always take pride in our work and give more than is expected and all, but why do more than u can even handle? not just quantity wise, which she already can't cope, but now she's also trying to do the quality wise on top on the quantity.

and now she's sick. sigh. she only falls sick when she's stressed or too busy and tired. her backpains are back too.. helped her massage and put on salonpas all over. she's not going to work tmr but she's still thinking of all the work in the office, bout specific documents she need to post and stuff. i had to scold her and tell her to rest for a day without saying a word bout work.

i dunno.. i hate this rut she's in. she can't seem to get out of it, yet she can't handle as well. my family is totally not supportive of her this time. cos it's really the lousiest job offer ever. but she's too nice and responsible to quit.

i think i still need to go down with her a few times to the office to ease her load.

and with thong in the army now, there are alot of changes. can't call him up anytime for a chat, can't really meet him on weekdays cos he'll be tired after work and we can only go out for a short while nearby, he gotta sleep so early each night too cos he wakes up at 6am for work. can't even talk much on the phone with him at night! his working hours quite sucky.. gotta be in the office by 8am. shit rite? i can't even imagine waking up at 8am. and right now i'm so caught up on my mum's side i haven't really been catching up with him and dun really know bout his job so far. sigh... gotta squeeze time out for that soon. can't meet him this weekend too. sighhh. he used to be by my side the whole time.

this is something i really need to get used to soon.

my money's depleting too. need to find a job soon or i'll be living on scraps. dun think my dad intends to sponsor me anymore. high time he shouldn't too. sighhh.

dun get me started on the job side. i haven't applied for a single job.

and i think i got bitten by bed bugs in melbourne. cos i have red itchy spots on my body, which look like mosquito bites, but can't be cos they can't bite me all over where i'm covered rite? these spots are huge and red, and are increasing by the day? sounds like the description given by a friend, somehow. shite.

and my wardrobe and room is making me depressed. why? cos my wardrobe is bursting. so badly that we had to buy more hangers, and can't fit all my clothes into the wardrobe. now alot of my clothes are strewn around the room, simply cos there's no space in the wardrobe. new clothes i bought from aussie and in singapore this one week are still in their paper bags, unopened. and i'm still buying. when, when can i stop this stupid shopping impulse and craze of mine??

the last time i counted the no. of hangers in my room was when i moved home from hall. i think it was between 200-250, and many hangers have 3 or 4 pieces of clothes on them. and that's one month ago. since then i've bought about 30 more items i think. dun ask me to recall what i bought, cos i seriously dunno. only a few i can rem. and not just clothes. i have bout 30 pairs of shoes and slippers, and the shoe rack can't fit everything. bout 10 are in my room, on the floor. and maybe another 20 bags. i totally dun need these stuff...

and my room is soooo messy now, i haven't totally unpack my stuff from aussie. my shoes, purchases, toiletries and some clothes and still in one of my bags. can there be any worse procrastinator than me??

why is it that when i'm so broke, so without wardrobe space and i'm still buying and buying clothes?? i bought bout 10 things (dress, tops, shorts, slippers, necklaces) just in this week back in singapore alone. i buy so much i can no longer remember what i bought for the past few weeks. i can't even rem wat i bought in aussie. cos i have sooo many clothes and bags that their images have all merged together. i can no longer remember what clothes i own, to the point that i'm now only wearing a few favourites cos i can't picture in my mind what others i have. and i can't flip through my wardrobe to find out too. cos the clothes are so tightly squeezed together that i can't push them apart and take out anything. so when i go out, i can't browse thru my wardrobe and see what i have.

and the worst thing is, i keep buying back similar clothes that i already have. sometimes i dun even know i have the same design, and buy it, until i suddenly recall or see the similar one at home. and maybe even worse, many many times after i bought something, i just immediately regret the buy and chuck it in a corner, unopened. and there it remains.

the number of plastic bags and paper bags i have accumulated from all my buys is crazy. i usually put them all in a huge paper bag, and now there are so many they are taking up one big corner of my room. just paper bags alone!!!

and i'm still spreeing online and marking down what i wanna buy!!!

help.. help.. someone pleaaassee help me out. i think i have a serious shopping problem. and i'm not saying this in a joking way or wateva. i think it's really serious. serious in a psychotic way. like in an OCD hoarding way.

i really identify it as a psychological problem. cos i realise, i dun buy things that i need, or like, or even want. i buy things just so to have them, so that i own them, so that in the event i ever need them i can put them to use, and if i dun ever need them, so be it, at least i know they were there just in case. gosh.. sick right?? and i dun throw old stuff, again, just in case i ever need them someday. i tell u, i'm exhibiting all the symptoms of an OCD hoarder.

please tie up my hands and dun ever let me go shopping again.

i'm waiting for the day i can finally clear my wardrobe and sell away all my old but still nice clothes.

as u can tell.. i'm kinda incoherent by now.. being very troubled by too many things.. some major, some nitty gritty.. but all still making me messed up.. i'd better sleep..