this morning, i saw christmas trees being set up along orchard road, and i had the shock of my life. is christmas coming already?? where did the entire year go to??! nevertheless, i'm looking forward to my favourite time of the year... about the only time i can get a decent break from work.

i had dinner with mummy and she was telling me stories of her life. i love listening to these stories.

today, she was telling me about how she had started a family with my dad. though she'd told me these before, today it gave me a new perspective of how she's gone through certain things at my age.

how she had to fight very hard to apply for a flat and move out of my gran's as she really wanted that to start a family, how she subsequently went ahead to purchase our flat in bishan despite objections from my dad as it's bigger for the family and she thought the location was good, how she had really wanted a second baby (me!!) but my dad didn't want to but she finally had me (yay!)... and how she really had to work very hard to earn money for these things she fought for.

it truly impressed me how as a woman, she fought hard for the things she really wanted, and not only that, she went on to strive hard to earn money for the family. she's not well educated, so i know she had to work really really hard. she spoke about how happy she was when she found jobs, as she was able to earn money for us. she put us through piano lessons even though dad and her were struggling, cos she wanted us to have music in our lives. she was retrenched a few times through the years but she kept looking for new jobs. and she's still working up till this age. actually i do feel that if mummy is better educated, she can achieve alot more in her career. she's very dedicated in her work and she has alot of foresight. i'd think she's rather financially savvy but very disadvantaged by her background.

anw, i really almost cried when i heard all these things. cos i think today i had a new perspective of the things she told me. i guess it's because i've been working for the past two years and i've come to understand a little of the hardship of work. i've been earning a grad's pay but i'm not happy, and i only have myself to support. i can't imagine her having to earn much lesser but still striving so hard to bring money home to give the best to her kids. i'm ashamed of how i've been whining about my work and it's only been two years. mummy has been working for 30, 40 years.

i finally see how i fit into her grand scheme of things. to her, my brother and i were the plan of her life. we are what she had wanted all her life and she strove hard to give us the best. even though her marriage to dad wasn't how she had wanted it to be probably, she had us and she is happy.

and i must say that besides working hard for us, she's been a fantastic mum at home. she's the kind of mum who'd do household chores daily, cook wonderful food for us, mother us when we're sick, scrimp on herself to buy things for us, show concern for us when we're sad, tailor our clothes when they're too long, too big, too small. she genuinely wants to know about our lives and be a part of it. she'd save money to buy herbs for us, and force us to drink them or she'd get very upset. even till now, she'd ask me daily if i want fruits, and the moment i say yes, she'd rush to cut them for me. she'd be extremely happy as long as we want her to do things for us, such as cook for us, boil herbs for us or cut fruits for us. the only time she's upset with us is when we refuse to take these things. oh, she's also one of the few women i know who makes rice dumplings every year!! and fantastic ones at that. each time she makes, all my relatives would request from her and she would make lots and lots and give them! i have never liked anyone else's rice dumplings (and lotsa other stuff, actually).

i really don't know how i can ever find another mummy like her. i tell myself that i under-appreciate her everyday, and i really do. i can't help but feel that the whole family's been too pampered by her, and we've taken her for granted by now. when i think about my life, through all the changes, ups and downs, fears, trepidations, happiness, uncertainties, everything, mummy has been the only constant. i feel very ashamed at times, but i'm also determined to treat her much nicer.

when i look into my own future, i really can't see myself doing all the things she's been doing for us. i know i certainly won't be as good a mother as she is, i won't be as self-sacrificial as her, won't be able to give as much love and everything else for the family. she's really inspired me with her courage and strength. how she went ahead to achieve so much with so little. what she had gone through is probably something i would never dare to tread.

i think i know why i'm kinda excited xmas day is coming. it's mummy's birthday :)

i'm perpetually having monday blues.

left office when it was dark again and it made me feel sad and lonely. the corridor lights were all off and it was pretty scary.

the impending period is not making me feel any better. already feeling the bloatedness and mild cramps before it even starts.

i'm really thinking, how can a person pack so much work in a day?? i feel like i'm packed to the brim already and i can't handle it anymore. we're gonna have a talk with management on thursday. how do i tell them that i can't take it? how do i tell them that i can't take piles of work up my head anymore, having to eat late lunches because of 5 hr meetings, having to do projects which they might not even have a clue about, having to rush work till i can't go toilet sometimes, having to fire fight those initiatives which they so proudly announce to public, having to be paid half the wages of ppl who do the same things as us??

i have to learn how to conduct an array of psychological assessments, how to interpret them, problem analysis, case integration, intervention strategies, theories of special needs, presentation skills, consultation skills, interview skills, facilitation skills, research design and methodology, statistics and data analysis, proposal writing, psych report writing, literature review, dealing with difficult parents, dealing with difficult kids, dealing with nasty teachers, guiding and developing my case managers and school personnel, and of cos the whole load of administrative shit. to top it off, the course and assignments and projects.

i. can't. breathe.

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I had a nightmare last night. in my dream, a group of us were in a house. delighted at first, but only to discover mysterious things. there were some strange objects, and then things were bouncing in a certain manner.

we were all freaked out. the feeling of fear was so strong and intense in my dream that i woke up in sweat. i think my fear actually forced me to get out of the dream subconsciously. it was in the middle of the night. i was so scared i hid under the blanket even though i was perspiring. didn't dare to open my eyes at all.

luckily i was so tired i fell asleep not too long after.

mummy says i'm suffering from mental breakdown. sigh.

i had a vivid dream last night. ok, i had a vivid nightmare last night.

this time, i was being hunted down by wild animals, instead of him. to be exact, a huge black bear, a polar bear, a tiger and a lion.

they were in a group. they were in my house, although my house in the dream doesn't look like my real house. i dreamt that i had to climb out of my window, quietly, and step on all the window ledges and tiles, trying to find a neighbour's house i can enter, desperate for an opening somewhere.

they were following me. sniffing me out. i had to keep escaping, finding new openings. anywhere that would take me.

then i was in a house. someone's house. and i had to knock wooden planks all over the windows and doors, so that the predators can't enter.

at one point, the black bear found me and almost got me. the lion pranced around me. i was still on the run. almost defeated, but haven't given up.

the thing about my dreams is, i almost always dun have an ending.

and i'm never alone. i'm always with someone, but someone whom i don't know. but the feeling is always strong, as if i've known him forever.

i think in a way, my dreams always reflect my mental state. i'm always being haunted or chased, and i'm always running to find freedom. i can't get a break, even when i'm asleep.

it's so draining sometimes. i wonder when i can get a brief respite.

for our branch workplan, we are asked to write compliments for each other.

yesterday i chanced upon a few of mine. someone actually said, "gentle but tough". i wonder who it is. i hope i'm tough. i need so.

another comment, "you're always making us laugh". i've never thought of myself that way. but i'm indeed happy in the presence of my friends and colleagues. i think i'm always saying nonsense. nowadays whatever i say can throw michy into spasms of giggles. i dunno how i'm funny!

and the very naughty ones said, "you're more than we can ever imagine. hint: night safari" hahaha. gosh. my reputation's gone down the drain!

dunno how i'm gonna function at the workplan for the next two days when they're gonna serve my raisins. gosh. think i'll just burst out laughing again and this time, my bosses are gonna think i'm crazy and throw me out. then maybe i can go home.

sometimes life takes a chunk out of you.

the week started off bad for me. i was near screaming in the office today, having to work on an obsolete laptop which is simply not responding.

i hate it, when i have a trillion things to rush out and many deadlines to meet. but all i could do was to wait and wait and wait and wait somemore while my laptop hangs. or sometimes it takes like 10 minutes to respond to a click, another 15 minutes to download an article. everything i sent to the printer turned out wrong.

my frustration was bursting out of every pore.

a deadline today, a deadline on this thurs, a deadline next monday, a deadline next wed. but actually work's been going this way all along. thing is, i just need my laptop to function. i need it to churn out reports for me, fast, i need to download research, fast, i need it to give me slides and tables, fast!! sometimes i feel like it's life on the line.

tried asking my office for a change of notebook before but it was turned down.

it doesn't help when i kept getting calls on my office phone from someone. 3, 4 calls throughout the day. it doesn't help when the person says, "You're not respecting me by not wanting to talk to me.". It doesn't help when I wish I can put down the phone but yet I have to think of a way to talk tactfully lest i anger him more. It doesn't help when he threatens to find me.

yes. i'm scared. to be honest, i'm constantly scared. being threatened. thinking of what u might just do. are u happy? i'm mentally exhausted, more than anything else. really. and doing all these just shows that u only care about yourself.

sometimes, i feel like i'm breaking down. life on the line.

it's one of those blue days again. when the downpour started early morning n lasted mid-afternoon. i tired out and slept through the day.

at least after which i had my good fix of accessories shopping (this time, i bought a locket without restraint), good ol' timbre pizza, with buffalo wings, seafood and mojito, and 500 days of summer to top it off.

it's an untraditional love story (spoiler alert). offers a pretty good perspective, at least for me it came at the right time. it's one of those, "how to move on" movies. sometimes you dun need a reason. you know you just have to do it. no matter how much chemistry you have with someone, he or she may not end up to be the one, though you may feel it so strongly at a moment in time.

funny thing is how i can identify with both characters to a certain extent, but only because i've been in both shoes at different points in my life. with tom, it was especially when he said, "... the very things i believed in and hung on to turned out not to be true...". and in his context, i felt it so real. i was naive, like him, to think that someone really felt for me, and to think that whatever we've been through really meant something. with this comes great disappointment, when it turns out that u've just been giving more than it's worth.

having said that, i've also been on the other side of the field at a different point in my life. i had initially thought that summer totally screwed up tom's feelings. but i slowly came to realise that i felt this way because the movie was filmed from tom's perspective, thus allowing room for empathy towards tom and not summer. it was only at the end that i realised, even though tom was generally good to summer, she doesn't need a reason to leave him. she doesn't know why, and it doesn't bother her, she just felt like it and she just did it. when asked by tom how can she say that she doesn't feel like being somebody's gf but ended up becoming somebody's wife instead, she said something like "I don't know.... you just didn't give me that feeling". basically, tom didn't make her feel like being his gf, but someone else made her feel like being that person's wife. Sometimes, it's just about feeling the right way with the right person, and u dun have to give any reasons or explanations for that. Tom came to realization too, and managed to move on.

how powerful it is to sway opinions by portraying things from one person's perspective. i've really come to realise this the hard way. but i also understand how this is a natural effect in itself. albeit, a very dangerous and poisonous one at times. how hearts can be shattered. torn raw. ultimately, i believe that someone who truly loves you would never portray things from just his perspective, and allow others to form a judgement of you out of context.

i've known my answer, it's always been there in my heart. with that, i'd go to bed tonight with a smile on my face.

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I don't want to talk about it... how you broke my heart....