had a very good escapade at MBS with the moos last weekend.... seriously in love with the sky pool! wonderful views... i dun even mind the crowd and the cold water. but of course, the company's always the most impt factor, it was great catching up with the peeps and playing nonsense games like "say anything", which full-of-nonsense lisi is so good at!

i'm going to krabi again in sept! i know i'm crazy to go back within 3 months... but we seriously miss the fantango room we had, esp its pool access where we could jump straight into the pool from our room. just really need all the peace and serenity (and thai food) we could get over there...

blue skies and water....

been coughing like NON-STOP for 2 months now and i developed another throat infection again. i coughed until i got stitches now =( so i went to the docs this morning and took mc. doctor says prolonged cough can be TB!! had a good rest at home, but dunno how i'm gonna face the piling work back in office! contemplating whether i shld rest tmr too. will i be able to finish my work??!

went snooping around facebook today, and within 15 min it kinda dawned on me that so so many people around me are either engaged or married!! it made me a lil' scared and the inevitable question bugged me again: will i be left on the shelf?? esp with my 26th just round the corner... the thought is too scary to bear. so i shall squeeze it outta my mind for now.

i'm not looking forward to the day =(

after much thought over the long weekend.. i've decided to change the way my life is.

there are certain things i used to be very hung up about. i have an idealistic picture of the way things should be, and how my weekends should look. but i wasn't happy because somehow these ideals and expectations were not met. and it probably didn't make the people around me happy.

i've decided that things would not be the same anymore, and the change starts within myself.

so from now on, i'm gonna find back my own life. i'm gonna learn how to let go, not be too dependent on any one person, and my expectations are gonna start low. with lesser hopes and expectations, come lesser disappointments and friction.

i'll no longer keep my weekends free for anyone.. i'll open them up and do whatever i need to, go out with anyone i want to, have more friends and family time, no more priorities =) i realise that keeping priorities make one feel very tired after awhile, because you'd expect similar reciprocations in return. it shouldn't be this way anymore.

i've decided to learn driving, go for lessons that i've always wanted to, such as yoga, photography, painting, third lang, etc. i'm dead serious this time.. no more procrastinating, i'll just do what i want this time.

in fact, i think i've already planned stuff for every single of my weekends starting from the coming one to 18 sept, either partially or fully, just over these 2 days. and i haven't signed up for any courses yet! and i actually feel happy and relieved most of all. i feel like i have a new lease of life, not tying myself down, not expecting much from anyone, and most importantly, not tying anyone else down.

looking forward to a few short trips over the next couple of weeks. =) quite excited about this change in my life and i hope it'll really make a difference for the better.

irreparable damages

as midnight loomed over me like a dark blanket and finally came and went, what was it that i felt? a huge, deep sense of loss, despair, helplessness, but perhaps also, a little wave of relief and closure.

finally i won't worry about the prices and fluctuations anymore, i won't have to be the ONE who worry about such things, glue my eyes to the screen to monitor a few times a day and be the only one who cares or plans at all.

so now that it has passed, i can let the whole idea off my shoulder, and let it go to rest.

i have come to believe in irreparable damages. and i know, this will become another scar to add to history, another event that caused huge despair, at least to me. one which i'd want to forget but perhaps can never will.

but at least, i know i can't do anything about it anymore. and it's ok. it's better than going without peace and possibly regretting.

i'll save those days for better times then.

sad beyond words. indescribable misery and despair. silent screams.

if only anyone could understand, anyone at all.

when all else fails, i feel like i need a miracle, now.

i'm lost, i can't find my way, i'm not sure where to find my light.

so many uncertainties about so many things. so much to look forward to, yet all vanished now.

i make a lil' prayer, please guide me through the night, keep me safe and comforted, please help me find my path.

now i just need to last through this night, and many dark dark nights after.

but this night first. tomorrow will be a better day.

just went through the worst tuesday ever.

i felt like i had a whole heart full of pain and unspeakable misery, bursting forth, a fountain of toxic and poison inside..

irreparable damages, hurtful words, which can never be retrieved. grudges and resentment that can never be removed from the heart.

it's supposed to be joyous time. supposed to be full of plans and excitement. my leave, for the first time in my history in the branch, has been approved within one day. but now i have to think of cancelling it. it's like a mock.

maybe i should start with zero expectations, zero hopes and faith. i'd never be happy that way, but i can never be too hurt either.

maybe i just don't deserve anything, by just being who i am.

it's the last monday night before a free tuesday and i'm spending it waiting.... waiting....

so nostalgic that we'll have no more such tuesdays to help us tide through the long long week.

last weekend we had a farewell for 2 of our fellow colleagues... it left everyone sad and depressed.. this batch has built a strong bond and it's not easy to let go 2 of us and break up part of the family.

ironic that the day before the farewell, we celebrated the arrival of michy's baby girl.

an arrival, a departure.

planning to go krabi again in sept hols... crazy right? i haven't even found time to blog about the last trip, and i'm making plans to go again.

i just wish prata would approve my leave before the ticket prices go up again. all the bureaucratic red tape.

last weekend we went to jb to play paintball and go kart. paintball was no fun at all but go kart was quite fun. the engine vibrated abit too much for my liking... it's really similar to the luge at sentosa just that the track is much longer and more curves and slopes.... can be scary for a first timer cum non driver.

i wish everything will go right.