just went through the worst tuesday ever.

i felt like i had a whole heart full of pain and unspeakable misery, bursting forth, a fountain of toxic and poison inside..

irreparable damages, hurtful words, which can never be retrieved. grudges and resentment that can never be removed from the heart.

it's supposed to be joyous time. supposed to be full of plans and excitement. my leave, for the first time in my history in the branch, has been approved within one day. but now i have to think of cancelling it. it's like a mock.

maybe i should start with zero expectations, zero hopes and faith. i'd never be happy that way, but i can never be too hurt either.

maybe i just don't deserve anything, by just being who i am.