i'm not sure whether it's the fear of the past. but it just triggered me to feel the same way again. and i hate the feeling and i never want to put myself through it again.

i just think it's so easy for us to revert to our old selves. that's our comfort zone and it's just so, comfortable. never trust someone who claims to change. including myself. it's so tough sometimes. i've come full circle round and round and round a few times. i still haven't change. old habits die so hard.

sometimes i fear myself. when can i see sense?

i think, with hope comes disappointment. lots of it. i think i'm resigned.

i've been working on my lj blog the whole night, to add more pics, put up a feedback post, beautify the fonts and alignment. it's tough for me but i'm determined to make it work. simply because i want to sell my clothes, and because i think nothing can be too hard.

or simply because, this is one of the few things in my life which i can perhaps reign some sort of control over at this point. if i can't even do this, what else can i do?

i just came back from playing L4D with my bestie. hahaha. she's finally learnt how to play! now we can all go play together.

dunno why but i'm feeling a little under the weather of late. feel a deep sense of emptiness and hollow space inside me. sometimes i feel pretty much alone, like no one truly understands me, even though i'm always going out and constantly being in the company of people..

there's just no one to turn to sometimes, no one to go to at the end of a horrid day and u need to pour it all out. it's not like there's no friends per se, but it's just that no one makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to. u know the kinda feeling when u're talking to someone and the other person is just listening and making comments for the sake of doing so... i'm sorry to say this but there's just no one who makes me feel like i'm truly listened to and truly cared for.

sometimes life gets so tiring that it's a luxury to just feel comfortable around someone. u dun have to worry about how anyone sees u or how u act/look/behave/talk. like just. be. yourself.

it's so hard to be like that around anyone. i miss myself, the one who's always laughing and chatting.

sometimes i enjoy quiet nights alone like this. when i can just leave the world behind me. let the music blast. let my brains drain out. i really need freedom and space and i need to be respected.. i'm just very tired i guess.

my new colleague's father just passed away last sat. i don't really know her and haven't really spoken to her but she sits just beside me, separated by a partition. so today i went to talk to her and offered her my chocolates. she opened up to me and told me how she's so afraid of nights, when it's dark and quiet and she kept seeing her father in her mind. she had to turn on the tv and lights every night. but she's relieved that her father is no longer in pain and he's in heaven now. she said it's tough that it's gonna be mid-autumn festival and that's her father's favourite time of the year.

i felt so sad for her and what she's going through that i cried. she kept saying sorry to me for making me cry. i told her she's so silly to apologise and that she must be strong. i told her to come and talk to me whenever she's lonely, and to just cry it out whenever she's sad. i feel that she's really strong in a quiet way. i really hope she'd be better and that she'd feel welcome to the branch. it must be really tough, two weeks into a new job n her dad passed away.

i told myself that i must really make an effort to involve her in our group n ask her to join me for lunch. i find that sometimes we must really give somebody new a chance. i've always thought she's quiet and aloof but i'm really glad i walked over today and found a very sweet n nice side of her. now i've a friend in her. i hope i've made her feel abit better for a few moments. she looked really sweet when she smiled and told me she liked the chocolates with rose petals :)

count our blessings.

i spent the past 4 days and the past 3 hours talking to starhub, and i think the starhub person is superbly flabbergasted with me and must be thinking what a major bimbo i am.

i thought getting a macbook would solve my techie woes but in fact it created more.

i still can't use internet on my macbook and i now have a phobia of installing the microsoft office for mac on my mac. so basically i can't use my mac for anything and i'm back on my old laptop.

arghhh. to think i believed all those stories about how mac is so user friendly and easy peasy.

actually, i think the problem really lies with me. i just suddenly realised that i'm such a techie idiot that i'm hopeless. my colleagues can attest to that and they had no qualms pointing that out to me. sigh.

i think all through my life, pple have been fixing up all my techie problems for me and now that i'm finally left to my own device, i finally realised that i've been stupid all along.

i really can't do even the simplest of techie functions and i need really a step by step guide to everything. miss a step of instruction and i'm gone. that's how i've been spending hours and hours of my life doing what others probably only spend minutes on.

i feel downright miserable.....

i dun mean to make myself sound stupid but i really am. i really know NUTS about tech. i hate it i hate it i hate it. but i've been trying so hard to learn all along. i'm finally tired.

it doesn't help that my macbook is the most updated version OS, think only days or weeks old, and starhub doesn't know it well enough to fix up the broadband yet.

pair the world's worst techie idiot and the world's most updated OS = ultimate suayness.

******

i'm miserable over everything and eating marks and spencer redcurrant puffs helps. i'm hungry and i'm almost done gobbling up the entire box.

the advocate i'd never wish to be.

just something about work which i need to rant about, or else i can't sleep tonight.

a project i'm involved in that's been bugging me for awhile now. triggered by today's branch meeting whereby some tension was created. think 60 pple in a room. close to 40 psychologists, all with their own minds, all strong in their convictions.

i really don't know how to proceed. sometimes i feel so stuck, i feel i'm pushed into a role of advocacy for something which i don't fully believe in. that's the most painful feeling. how do u ask me to carry out and enforce such a big scale study, which i've gotten my hands into for 2 whole years, and i have to carry it out as if the idea comes from me, when actually i'm not even convinced by it?

i think we all hear the cries coming from the ground. some are valid points, which are from my heart as well. but i have to continue playing the advocate, when i've voiced out the same cries within the team.

i think we're moving too fast to keep up with ourselves. true, this would be good for our kids. our intention is never none other than for their own good. that part i've always believed in, and would never lose sight of. but if we're moving too fast and furious, the tables are just turning back against us. it's like a huge backlash.

oh well. maybe in ur own words, it's the lesser evil. moving too fast vs leaving unidentified kids suffering in silence. i'm in a dilemma myself. all i know is that i'm in a painful role to be. and u have too big a pair of shoes to fill. really. i think we really need better direction.

sigh.

tmr is another long day. conducting CPD for my school personnel whole morning. then i'm meeting a difficult teacher followed by a difficult parent -- the things u know u have to do no matter how much u wish u can avoid. as if today hadn't been a long day. 4.5 hrs of branch meeting + 2 hrs + 1.5 hrs.

fire-fighting is becoming my forte. so looking forward to the weekend.

life's still good :)

i dun wanna turn 25 part 4

the last of my bday celebration was on sat with my jc pals.

we went to raffles city for a quick dinner at cedele, and were supposed to go to the park at national museum for some picnic cum movie screening. but kid was craving for wine so we ended up at the rooftop of toy museum, a cosy winebar called mr punch. funnily enough, all of us were dressed ok for wine, despite the earlier plan to go for a picnic. i swear i almost wore shorts.

as usual, it was a night of endless khid jokes and RA stories. of how he almost kana raped and about the girl with a jungle which is an eco-system on its own. of brazilian waxing and alzheimer stories. funny la.

char made a lovely lovely photo collage. the frame is sooo nice. thanks babes. 9 years and going.

after that was soccer match with the bestie at breko before we headed home for the night.

i'm really pretty sick of bdays for now...

anw, i just bought my macbook online!! and an ipod touch :) they're gonna be delivered next week and i can't wait. just that i dunno how to configure the macbook though.. gonna crack my brains abit when i geddit. just hope it won't die in my hands. excited excited.

anyone wants to buy an 8gb ipod touch?? it'll be brand new and i won't open it. interested parties pls email me at bluebliss@hotmail.com :)

i'm pretty excited about my life right now... it's going pretty good at the mo. all my time is filled n i constantly have stuff to look forward to. pampering myself really helps as well. been spending money but i really think, what's the point of earning money if u can't put it to use? may as well use it when u're young and keep urself happy. being happy = being beautiful inside out and living life to the fullest. but of cos, i must save up some as well and i'm doing that. but i just dun believe in being frugal and saving up money for gawd knows when. maybe i can say this for now since i'm carefree and single... teehee. no immediate goals for me.

anw, sept's filled up for me! terrible august is over. all my weekends in sept look pretty filled. there just seems to be sooo much going on. going to night safari this weekend (cos it's free for moe staff!!).. then there's ice-cream making workshop with char, bestie's bday, susu's bday, me and jol's belated bday outing etc etc. hopefully there's still one or two fridays and sundays freeeee.

i've caught the time traveller's wife on screen. i was touched and i cried. though not as much as the book made me tear. it's really really truly the best story i've ever read. bittersweet romance. sigh. i love eric bana. he suits the role to a tee. the henry whom i'd imagined. somehow rachel mcadams wasn't the clare i had in mind. she's still super hot in the show but she's just not the clare la. sigh. i love time travelling romance. wistful.

i still wanna catch my sister's keeper and the proposal (ok fine i'm outdated). saw the trailer for my sister's keeper and it looks pretty good, though rather different from the book i think. the proposal's gonna end by the time i watch it la... nobody to watch with. gonna catch coco before chanel with sheryl soh xue le this sat. u'd better not fly kite woman! :P