i just came back from playing L4D with my bestie. hahaha. she's finally learnt how to play! now we can all go play together.

dunno why but i'm feeling a little under the weather of late. feel a deep sense of emptiness and hollow space inside me. sometimes i feel pretty much alone, like no one truly understands me, even though i'm always going out and constantly being in the company of people..

there's just no one to turn to sometimes, no one to go to at the end of a horrid day and u need to pour it all out. it's not like there's no friends per se, but it's just that no one makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to. u know the kinda feeling when u're talking to someone and the other person is just listening and making comments for the sake of doing so... i'm sorry to say this but there's just no one who makes me feel like i'm truly listened to and truly cared for.

sometimes life gets so tiring that it's a luxury to just feel comfortable around someone. u dun have to worry about how anyone sees u or how u act/look/behave/talk. like just. be. yourself.

it's so hard to be like that around anyone. i miss myself, the one who's always laughing and chatting.

sometimes i enjoy quiet nights alone like this. when i can just leave the world behind me. let the music blast. let my brains drain out. i really need freedom and space and i need to be respected.. i'm just very tired i guess.

my new colleague's father just passed away last sat. i don't really know her and haven't really spoken to her but she sits just beside me, separated by a partition. so today i went to talk to her and offered her my chocolates. she opened up to me and told me how she's so afraid of nights, when it's dark and quiet and she kept seeing her father in her mind. she had to turn on the tv and lights every night. but she's relieved that her father is no longer in pain and he's in heaven now. she said it's tough that it's gonna be mid-autumn festival and that's her father's favourite time of the year.

i felt so sad for her and what she's going through that i cried. she kept saying sorry to me for making me cry. i told her she's so silly to apologise and that she must be strong. i told her to come and talk to me whenever she's lonely, and to just cry it out whenever she's sad. i feel that she's really strong in a quiet way. i really hope she'd be better and that she'd feel welcome to the branch. it must be really tough, two weeks into a new job n her dad passed away.

i told myself that i must really make an effort to involve her in our group n ask her to join me for lunch. i find that sometimes we must really give somebody new a chance. i've always thought she's quiet and aloof but i'm really glad i walked over today and found a very sweet n nice side of her. now i've a friend in her. i hope i've made her feel abit better for a few moments. she looked really sweet when she smiled and told me she liked the chocolates with rose petals :)

count our blessings.