tearing apart

in the office now but i need a 5 min quick vent.

i can't take it anymore. i feel like i'm failing miserably in terms of balancing my life and keeping things together.

why is it just so hard to prioritise and make everyone in my life feel happy? when i try to make time for this person, others will complain and when i make time for others, another person will get upset.

i only have 7 days a week and most of it is taken up by work. the rest of it is split amongst various pple in my life. work, ot, family, friends, him, gatherings, gatherings. when i can't attend just one gathering i get so frowned upon. there are still so many pple asking me to catch up with them and all which i haven't done so in awhile.

i don't even have a single moment for myself. i can't rem the last time i ever spent 5 mins reading a book or even watched a tv programme!! i haven't a moment to rest and my health is deteriorating so much. my body feels so tired because i can't slow down for even one day. the fainting episode scared me but even after that, i haven't had a chance to rest at all.

i'm trying very hard. really trying very hard to make time for every single person. but no one will ever be happy with me. wat i really wanna do now is to stop seeing everybody and just spend time alone at home doing everything i ever want to. just live for myself.

in this 5 minutes i'm really at the brink of craziness.
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just had a chit chat with mich, one of my fav colleagues and i feel much better. sigh. back to work!

a waking call

feeling a little melancholic and moody on this saturday night at home. but at the same time, getting a bit of rest by staying home, doing some work and surfing net. planning to read a book later.. or play some games. like just doing whatever i've always felt like. some ME-time.

still a bit shakened by yesterday's fainting incident. i really thought i'm getting better over the years, but the incident kinda shook me and slapped me in the face as a warning.

what happened was i just started feeling really giddy while i was along the hospital corridor waiting to see germaine and her baby. it was super hot and stuffy. it's the familiar wave of feeling of blacking out again, all too familiar. The world became very fuzzy and far - that's the last feeling i had.

And then i fainted and collapsed on the floor - apparently so because the next thing i knew, somebody was calling and shaking me, "Miss, are u ok?" repeatedly and i was thinking to myself, this is such a good, deep sleep.... just let me sleep... i was totally lulled over. but then the nurse managed to wake me up and i found myself sprawled on the ground in a sleeping position, squashing germaine's flowers under my buttocks no less, my colleagues crowded around me and their eyes all on me.

it was so humiliating and embarrassing. but most of all, it scared me.

what's happening to me? i know i'm very prone to blacking out. but i've never had an incident whereby i just literally dropped dead on the ground. However, i realised that the only difference is that in all the past incidents, i managed to lie down or lean back just in time when i was at the brink of blacking out or halfway through. This time, i was standing up and there's just nothing nearby to grab hold. Within seconds, it wiped me out.

the feeling was just surreal. it gave me a new perspective on death somehow. though this is qualitatively so much different from death of course, it gave me an insight of sorts, since they are similar in a sense that both has something to do with our consciousness. i now feel less afraid. i know there'd be no feeling at all. i won't even know it happened. i couldn't recall how i fell, i had no pain or suffering at all when i hit the ground.

i know it's a warning sign for my health. my body is too tired and drained. too spent. from work, from everything. i feel as if i've laboured for my job and i just keep giving and giving... it's taking too much a toll on me and it doesn't help that i don't get enough rest on weekends either. neither am i watching my diet nor doing any exercise. it's really bad. i know it is. i can feel something's wrong with my heartbeat even, but i don't even have the courage to do a checkup. i feel like changing everything, starting anew. i dunno how much damage i've done, but think it's not too late.

i just need loads of determination to change. where can i start?

of cats and their stuff

i'm soooooo tired of doing lit reviews. it's my third or fourth within this year.

so tired staying up so late every night.

so i'm gonna tell a story to keep myself awake.

t'was a rather gross incident at the coffeeshop yesterday. mummy and i were just eating our dinner, and this cat lying quietly on the ground beside me suddenly went into spasms and started rolling around the ground.

and there was gooey sticky liquid spurting out of the cat!!!

ok it's definitely not pee cos you can judge from the consistency... and i couldn't see where it was spurting out from but i think i've a good idea now.

the cat suddenly recovered from its epilepsy and walked off, leaving the pool of gooey stuff there. and i noticed that it has a bulge in the stomach. maybe its water bag burst. omg.

anyway we were just very grossed out and shifted to another table. think my mum was screaming through it all cos the cat was just beside me. couldn't really find the appetite to eat after that. :(