random thought

it really takes so little to make me happy, to put a smile on my face.

but it takes equally little to make me upset, too.

and it's exactly because it already takes so little to make me happy, and yet i can't even have that bit, which ultimately puts me down the most.

rainy day

i had a wonderful night of birthday celebrations with lovely pple.

am so sincerely thankful for all the arrangements to make it special, and just for the presence.

one of the best turnouts so far :)

pics soon.

*****

tears of sorrow. with mucus. phlegm.

sounds seriously yucky. no idea how to cough out the phlegm. but in the end some of it came out thru my nose, together with all the mucus. yellow-green.

on top of a lost voice, i've this seriously blocked nose now.

*****

i don't feel like i ever need to explain anything to anyone. i don't owe it.

i'd rather keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. what's the point?

if i even need to make u understand.

sometimes leaving is not for oneself. sometimes leaving is for their own good.

a lost voice

my voice is gone from my throat.

and i have 5 full days of literacy tests to conduct this coming week. 10 hours of talking x 5.

can't re-schedule, can't find replacement. all these are unspokenly impossible.

thing is, i dun even mind going to work when i'm sick. i'd really love to conduct the tests. and i'd have to anyway. cos there's just no way for me to skip these appointments.

but how on earth am i going to conduct the tests now? i want to but my voice (or the lack of it) doesn't permit. i need a crystal clear voice to conduct the tests.

i wish i'm just sick but still have my voice.

this is one time when i'm feeling totally at a loss, stuck in a situation whereby there's nothing i can do. i can't go on mc, but yet there's no way i can conduct the tests without a voice.

life's just great.

fi the sick cat

it was only my first day of work officially as an AP and i fell sick. damn.

came home last night with a fever, sore throat, throbbing headache, and was just shivering all over. wrapped myself in sweaters and blanket and went to sleep immediately after downing medicine n water.

this morning i had to force myself to get up at 6am and leave home by 7. downed more painkillers and figured my way out to a school all the way in jurong east. all while lugging the darn heavy briefcase and trotting in heels. the journey took me 2 hours in the end. which made me late for an hour. sheesh.

as much as i find fulfilment in what i'm doing in my job, i can't help but feel it's taking a toll on me physically. second time i'm sick on the job. i'm seriously drained and tired of finding my way to a new school in some ulu part of singapore which i've never been to/heard of before, each and every morning i'm doing school visits (which is most of the time actually). tired of not knowing exactly where to drop off the bus, not knowing how long the journey will take, having to ask passerbys all the time how to get there and blah. tired of waking up at 6am and getting out of the house before the sky lights up. each day i go to somewhere different. i feel like i've travelled to more parts of the island in the past 3 weeks than i had in my past 23 years.

been getting more sorethroats within these few weeks than i ever had. i have to talk continuously the entire day, and not just talk, but actually talk clearly and impeccably since it's a literacy test i'm conducting and i have to be as precise in my pronunciation as possible to make it fair for all kids. have to repeat and repeat, emphasize on certain words and stuff. arghhh my throat's just killing me and i'm eating lozenges ever so often.

alright, before i sound like some whiner. have i mentioned we can't really go on mc or leave? technically we can, of course. but like this morning when i was sick in bed and didn't know how i'm gonna survive thru 2 schools the entire day, i knew i just can't cancel out on the schools cos our schedule is so tight and it's just not professional to cancel out at the last min when the visit is already pre-arranged. sigh. lotsa issues to consider.

another 2 new schools tmr. another early morning on the bus to gawd knows where.

it can only be the kids' smiles that sustain me.

i'm employed!

i've decided to blog since
i) i'm waiting for my hair to dry then go sentosa with a babe.
2) it's a public holiday eve and i'm finally home at this time, feeling a little free for once.
3) i dun wanna be such a bad blogger.
4) i've started work for the third week n can't wait to talk bout it.

and so.. after 2 weeks of slogging and with a signature on some paper last thurs, fi is officially an associate psychologist!

yay! it feels good to be employed, and not bumming around. i've cleared my medical examination, cept that doc says i'm underweight. sheesh.

anyway, so far the job's been good. been going down to primary schools, assessing kids n stuff, and it's really meaningful n fulfilling to be working with kids for so much of the time. pretty much what i enjoy and want to do.

only tough thing is all the travelling here and there.. it's really tiring to be going to different schools each day, a couple per day. each morning i have to get up at 6am, 6 plus if i'm lucky, and find my way to a new school by bus or mrt. brrr.. talk bout our claiming system. we can't claim transport if we're gg from home, or gg home from schools! sheesh. and wat's more, this job requires me to carry my heavy test kits around.. so i gotta lug this heavy briefcase each day i do school visits, and it doesn't help that during morning n evening hours the buses n trains are always so packed... try balancing on high heels while carrying two heavy bags and nothing to hold on to, it's a struggle man. like today, i realise i have a blue black on my arm from carrying the blardy bag (not very good for after-work shopping). and guess wat, this is like the lightest test kit already, i'm told. there are psychologists in my branch who sometimes have to pull those big trolley bags with wheels around.. some tests weigh like 15kg!?!

but i love jobs whereby i can travel around so much.. everyone knows i hate those kinda jobs that require me to sit in the office all day. *shudders* i have a phobia of it from some internship 2 years back. the one last year was good cos i travelled quite a bit too.. and this one, bout half to 3/4 of the time i won't be in office. so yay! even though it's physically draining. heck.

anyway when i become an AP formally next mon, there's gonna be more things to come... lotsa stuff that we need to do on top of school visits and fieldwork... projects, workshops, reports, meetings (one whole day per week!), training.. blah blah blah... i'm really both excited and apprehensive. but like most psychologists, what we'd enjoy most would always be the fieldwork and the interaction with kids. the rest of the work, just comes with the job.. so.. bleh.

honestly there are certain things i dun like bout working in the ministry.. all the red tapes, rigidity, inflexibility etc. the very things that get at me. but i guess this is a very gd starting point for me to learn and experience things.. and wat's more, i'd really like to reach out to those kids with learning difficulties, and i can only do so in this setting. for now at least.

okie lastly to pen off... i think so far what i've experienced with the kids got me thinking bout certain things (like wat's new?). sometimes when i'm with them, i feel helpless. like, whoa, how can i help a kid like this? i'm only assessing u, what can i do to help u? i feel segregated from the process of helping. sometimes u hear bout their stories, sometimes u see the harsh reality against them. and there's always the neverending debate bout what's really good for them. should we diagnose, or not? diagnosing is a label, but yet it allows them access to help. and wat's more, how do we really know whether the kid is having learning deficits, and not due to environmental problems? how do we sieve out these differences?

i guess this field is really challenging in that we have to always be on the go, always thinking critically, always be updated on newest research and findings and available resources, always be ready to answer academically and professionally when asked on views and issues. plus the very tight schedules and visits on top of all the other work (basically no leave taking during term time). there's alot i need to catch up still... i'm really both excited and apprehensive at the same time. i wonder how it'll all go.. but i think at the end of the day, if i feel for wat i do, i shld just put in the best i can and go for it.

now i'm late to meet my babe.