relieved

the damn w*rkplan is finally over and i'm so thankful for the long weekend that came along for a breather just in time.

this weekend in my opinion was rather fruitful. managed to accomplish many things i wanted to do. set up a flea market stall, ate pasta, played wii, finally had a haircut, read a book, slept, ate at home. indulging in the simple pleasures of life which, nowadays, are so hard to come by.

am still affected by certain things which happened at the w*rkplan, things i know will come back to haunt me. prata said something awful and which made me think about it over the weekend and cried occasionally. but overall i think the relief that it's over is greater than anything else this weekend, which made this a really really relaxed weekend overall.

i know i've done my best and in fact, put in efforts beyond necessary, those hours of slogging till 10, 11pm, travelling to other divisions to negotiate for stuff, offering to help segments not even within my purview, being engaged in my own group discussions and at the same time fulfilling my duties as an organising member.

but i also know that my work is always not visible to others partly due to its nature and partly due to pple who are good at sabotaging or maneouvering things in their favour. i know that prata will never want to recognise my efforts and contribution so i keep reminding myself that i'm not working for her but for children. but most of all, i know i can't change the way things are so i'm just gonna let go, do my best, answer my conscience, and relish in my weekends of rest.

okie dokes.. life's still great, i choose to believe. going to read a book and catch a movie now. :)

work's been really bad. very depressing.

all the "young" ones are unhappy. several colleagues have commented that we look unhappy and asked if we're ok.

for the past two weeks, i've been working till 9, 10, 11pm. 14-hour workdays simply suck. the thing is, it's not so much about working late, but whether the work is justified or meaningful. if we're spending so much time doing stupid time-wasters, of cos we won't be happy.

and it doesn't help when the management says things like... please set meeting times at 5, 6pm so that you can do other work in the day and meet in the evening. or, when knowing that tuesdays are our protected time to study at nie, they tell us to come back in the evening to work. like wtf?? as a result i've been having meetings till 8pm.

this workplace is really sad. we are ruled by an autocratic bureaucracy. no one dares to oppose the management. those who dared to were shot down. i know of seniors who stood up for us because they felt we've been given too much work despite empty promises of "off-loading" us for the course, but were shot down too. my supervisor has already made it clear to me that she won't be able to fend for me. i guess generally, everyone knows that no one can do anything about the situation anymore.

today we sat in this room in a big circle. probably 30 of us. it was meant to be an open dialogue between supervisors and supervisees. the management was there. so they were like asking us to feel free to talk through any issues or problems we may have... like real. who's gonna say anything with them around?? we could all sense the tension in the air. the seniors know we won't say anything, but yet they also can't speak up for us.

i hate horrible bosses. i hate pple who suck up to leaders and bosses. i hate Prata. going to meet her in her office is always like entering the slaughter house. you come out feeling defeated, dashed. she loves picking on me as well. arghhhh i'm so pissed i wanna slap someone!!

of farewell and babies

today i went to the airport to send a dear colleague off.

it was quite a teary affair for the bunch of us.. she's one of the nicest around here and it's sad to see her go. at the same time, we were happy for her that she's with her beloved husband, off to somewhere better to pursue happier lives.

she's been thru quite a bit this year, including the death of her dad, and difficulty to conceive, resulting in several procedures to no avail still... really wish the best for her. she's somewhere in the air up there now.. sigh life is so unpredictable. she was my mentor last yr when i first entered service, and one of the first we met. her presence and cheeriness is always felt in the office. it's surreal that she's gone.

one of the colleagues brought her baby son. he's oh-so-cute! just a few mths old. we've seen her through that pregnancy.. and it was a tough one. could still rem that she was spotting and almost couldn't keep the baby, had to be hospitalised a few times. we were rather worried for her and the baby. but to think, now he's so healthy, bouncy and cute. gosh.

life's so fragile isn't it. if at that moment her body failed her, she wouldn't be able to keep this baby. it was such a fine line between life and death. but he crossed that line and made it here. :)

so many of my colleagues have given birth or are pregnant still throughout this year.. think we counted something like ten new babies. i suppose in the ministry, everyone's really procreative and productive. everyone's very family oriented (except old singles like my boss), and i like this culture. they're always spending time with the family, talking about their children, or making time to be alone with their spouses. i like it that they make it a point to go home each day after work to be with their spouses and children. can really feel how much they love the family. and it helps that as psychologists, they really know how to educate their children. they're all such cute and lovely kids.

anw talking about pregnancy and childbirth.. i've really first-hand witnessed/heard how terrible the process is! u really gotta salute mothers for their courage and love. i've seen how my colleagues battled thru all the nausea, dizziness and aches during pregnancy, culminating in the horror process of giving birth to the baby... right up to even after birth, when u breastfeed the baby, take care of the baby fulltime etc...

get this, my colleague bled from breastfeeding! she noticed her baby's mouth was full of blood and realised that her boobs have been bleeding from being sucked too hard... she tried squeezing milk too and the milk was pink. arghhhhh

okok i'm still young.. i'm trying to think of that. and as my mum keeps saying, when the time comes, ur love for ur baby would be so overwhelming that u can take any pain that comes ur way. whoa.. sounds like a feat. something only supermums can do. and i think, my office is full of them. all supermums, some with three children, and are brilliant at work as well. i wonder how they do it... gosh.