It's the little things

Turns out that the last day of CNY is a very simple yet happy day for me. It's happy cos it's filled with my mum's love, a dear one came to visit, and i'm basically surrounded by pple who matter to me in a place i love called home.

You asked me if I'm happy. It's gotta be the simple things in life that truly makes me happy. :)

The evening ended off with a bright full moon hanging outside the house. Loved sitting there by the window, with the cool wind blowing. And the sky was the nicest, richest shade of blue. I had you right beside me. I love the moon and how we're always under the same moon, no matter where you are.

I think I'm blessed in many ways. And I won't ask for too much in life. Or perhaps it's too much, to ask for a simple life with you always mine, and to always have the love and company of my loved ones?

I think we're so fortunate. To be blessed with health and complete families. With shelter over our heads and plentiful food. To have received education and be able to work and fend for ourselves. How many people do not have any of these in the world? Who dare not even think of such luxuries to them?

I'm contented and with this, I end the night. :)

let it out

I'm very low mo after 3 meetings, totalling 8 hours today. i hate thursdays.

At branch meeting today, dpty director shared our branch's climate survey findings. it turns out that our branch's level of morale is super low compared to our division, compared to moe wide, and compared to all our singapore ministries. we have lower satisfaction of compensation, hate our bosses, think we have too much work, think we have poor work-life balance, think the environment is stifling, think our leadership sucks, amongst many many others. And these are all true, it's really how we feel.

Dpty director was shocked and very sad that this has happened (it's the lowest climate survey she has ever seen in her life), and she was very sincere in getting our inputs on how the management can improve. she's really a very nice person, and i'm just sad to see that she has to be the one to take charge of this and represent the management when honestly, it's the other members in the management who have made things end up this way. Though she's seated at the top and has the most power, she has no control over the other members and i bet she doesn't even know how mean the rest of them can be. it's really sad to see that our culture here has turned into a war between "us" and the "bosses". but it's the work of many years of condescending manners, piles and piles of work heaped on us as if we're super-humans and no respect or recognition for our work.

Anyway, I'm a lil' sad today cos i heard my dad scold my mum when she accidentally slammed the door. He used a crude word and i was really disturbed by it.... Is it true that there can be no love after marriage? Or after years of marriage? I think if I'm on the receiving end of such treatment, i won't be able to take it.. to be scolded by my husband just cos i slammed the door accidentally. I dunno why my family dynamics are like that. or is it a common thing in other families? I don't know.. i think sometimes i have no faith. At times i see my mum being mean to my dad, at times i see my dad being mean to my mum. At times they're fine. I feel really sad and confused.... sigh. beginning to lose my belief in love.

my mum told me that when i was young, i used to be very very scared when people scolded each other or quarrelled. i would hide under my bed. ??!! haha. i think even till now, i'm really scared when pple scold me. but of cos now i react differently.. i think i've grown to be more defensive so as to protect myself. i still really hate to be scolded and being talked harshly at... and being reactive is just a defense mechanism.

last thing.. i feel so sorry for kai's niece. really hope that his family will be fine and that his niece will be ok... even though it's really not ok for such a young child to go through this, i hope things will get better and that they can be strong.. life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

i cannot stand guys who keep their last fingernail long.

gosh, it's so damn gross!!!! my hair stands at the thought of it. it simply looks so ugly, so uncouth, so unhygienic.

i already cannot stand guys with long fingernails. but that i can still tolerate. but deliberately keeping the last fingernail visibly longer than the rest of the nails is just too gross to withstand. even a few mm longer also cannot!!! i find that one of the first things i'd look out for in a guy is surely his nails. if the last fingernail is long, confirm CANNOT PASS! urgghhhh!!

i dunno why some guys must do that. what function does it serve? dig nose? scratch somewhere? i dread to think about what the purpose of that nail is for. eek.

so guys, please think twice before you blindly follow a "trend". some trends are meant to be followed, some are simply so gross that u need to think triple times and use more discretion. what kind of image are u trying to give?? that you're a very "in" ah beng or that u always dig your nose?

there's only one type of fingernails for guys to keep, sad but true. u can only have it short, neat and trimmed. anything else is just gross. sorry u can't have manicure treats, cut ur nails in different shapes and styles, or paint them in nice shades, but guys hate these anyway so it doesn't matter. i don't mean to offend the opposite gender (or any of my gfs who might have boyfriends who do this) but please please please don't turn our palettes off!!

CNY was great cos i met alot of new cute babies in my family and there's so many more ang baos now that 80% of my cousins are married.

my cousins and cousin-in-laws are seriously popping babies here there and everywhere. from just having 2 nephews (jarrel and ethan) for the longest time, i can no longer keep track of how many nieces and nephews i have right now!!! must be at least ten!

met the cutest and handsomest xander (can't really spell), who has thick black fluffy hair, huge round eyes and bronze skin. gosh he already has the looks of a hunk and he's only 6 mths old!! then i met bubbly little nicholas with porcelain skin and my heart just oh-so-melted when i carried him in my lap.. he looks like a little monk!! and he's sooo cute just kept sucking his fingers!! and he cried when ppl took him away from me!

some ppl actually dread carrying babies and taking care of them..... but, i love it! from the babysitting days when i helped my mummy take care of 3 babies, i learnt all the skills required to carry them, feed them, cajole them, and even change their pampers!! i love carrying them and i'm always reluctant to put them down. i just love babies so much..... gosh i sound like i'm ready to have my own.

this CNY marks a few firsts.

it's the first time someone asked me seriously when i'm tying the knot. like seriously look me in the eye kinda talk, not the casual auntie-fied question. my cousin said at my age it's really high time to start thinking about it cos u need a few years to apply for flat, another few years to get ready for wedding, another few years to plan for a baby.... gawd.. think i'll be 40 by then. i wanted to tell her straight, nobody to marry, marry myself?

secondly, it's the first time i actually feel paiseh taking ang baos. i mean, my aunties and uncles have been giving me ang baos for 26 years!! they must be thinking, faster get married la then no need to give u anymore. then i have my cousins who are around my age giving me ang baos... it feels so awkward!! gosh.

i suddenly feel old. like really, really old. am no longer the baby of the family, now with so many new babies already.

this CNY didn't really rest much, everyday out eating with family or visiting somebody or relatives visiting our house. i'm looking forward to catching up with the girls at east ocean on sat! already drooling at the thought of lau sa pao and fried octopus tentacles.

anw the CNY break's over and my life's instantaneously switched back to the humdrum of work. left office at 8pm today and had instant mee dinner at 9pm. i hate such a life. i'm really unhappy with it. i reflected and i look ahead, and all i can see is a life like this:

7am - wake up

8.30am - reach office

7, 8, or 9pm - leave office

9 - 10pm - dinner

10pm - shower

11pm - sleep

7am - wake up....

i have a training at 8.30am - 10.30 am tmr morning, followed by a meeting from 10.30 - 1.00pm, followed by another meeting from 1.30 - 3.30pm. no time for lunch!!!!

and when i go for all these trainings and meetings my work in the office just pile, and pile and pile. dun laugh if i tell u i still have undone work from July 2009. I'm not kidding!!!!

i'd better turn in now to prepare for the horrendous thursday ahead. shivering in "anticipation".

“ Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. " Neil Gaiman

This is from an author I respect, and when I saw this I was surprised at how much it tore at me. Such that everything I feel is captured within this quote. How much it totally messed up my life, and simply my life isn't my own anymore. The pain rips me apart, yes. And how I wish I can just get out of it, run away. I hate it so much. I wish I can hate you, and walk away one day. But no, I'm a hostage now.

It makes me want to build up an armour again, and not let anyone inside ever. It makes me wish that no stupid person will ever walk inside my life again. My pieces will always be kept by me, never to be given to anyone again.

Why can't I listen to my rational self, my ego, but always follow my instinctual id? Why do I do things I know would only hurt myself one day? Why can't I be brave enough to pull out that glass splinter residing in my heart, deep entrenched?

God save me, on the day I used to love, but now can only hate.

Was very moody over dinner and the subsequent ntuc-shopping trip with my mum n bro, cos i realised that mum made me lend money to her sibling unwittingly. There are several reasons why I'm so affected by this..

1) she wasn't forthright from the start. she kinda lied to me that it's for something else and asked me to transfer to XXX account number.

2) she's always lending her siblings money her whole life and now that me and my bro are working she's starting to make us do it (esp me, since i'm like the nicer of her two children, duh)

3) i know that 99% this person is not gonna pay back, which means that my mum will fork out her own money to pay me back, which means that i can't bear to take my mum's money, which means that ultimately i'm giving away the money, which is as good as losing it into thin air.

4) it's not a small sum, at least not in the hundreds

5) i'm super financially strapped myself right now. if i have money to spare i will. but i don't and especially not right now, when i'm already thinking of how to pay up my impending insurance premiums (and is income tax coming up, anybody? -- been receiving letters from govt but dun dare to open yet).

6) worst of all, i think it's not right if we don't lend my uncle money when he's struggling. but i also don't think we're able to continue helping him this way our whole lives. i know my mum will be super unhappy if we ever refuse to lend, she's like the one and only sibling in the entire family who's always willing to lend her two brothers money. and she never gets it back (but she'll never complain and will scold us if we ever tell her off). sigh. so what can i do? what is a daughter to do??

There are some things in life which we just cannot control. Like having a mum who is too nice to her siblings, like over the limit and taken advantage kind. To the point that I have to even give up my bedroom few years ago for my uncle when he cheated on his wife and was chased out by his family. So my super kind mother told him that he can shift into her daughter's room and stay indefinitely while her daughter sleeps in the master bedroom. Daughters with mums like that would just have to be on the receiving end of such fate, isn't it? I just wonder, is she really doing her brothers a favour by spoiling them rotten? Why are people like us made to pay for people who can't be loyal to their wives and who can't control their gambling, drinking and aggressive habits?

Then there are other things which also cannot be controlled, such as the amount of work u have. I was re-evaluating my work life, and realised that even though i'm determined to take a "back seat" this year, work just comes propelling my way and i can't shield myself with any armour. So the ME in 2007, 2008 and 2009 also wanted to take a backseat, tried, but eventually found her hands all tied up. I have walked the path before and I'm walking the path again.

The only thing that really cheered me up, and the only good news, is that I conducted my first intervention talk for a bunch of kids last week and the target child, who's an autistic boy, touched my hand and told me "you speak so nicely to me, you make me very happy". And it just melted my heart so much.

i sincerely believe that the best way to handle a difficult problem is to look at it in the eye.

but this time, i really have no courage to do so.

instead, i want to hide, and run, far from it all. i think the best way now is to forget. it's too painful to look it in the eye, to try again one more time. how many more times?

i'd rather not have anything. than to risk losing everything. i'd rather not see, hear, or feel anymore. so, help me forget.

i wish i can selectively erase my memories. than to know they exist in the mind but not in the present.

i'm empty-handed..

left with none, my heart's gone away

but now i know

nothing's worth anyone sacrificing for