let it out

I'm very low mo after 3 meetings, totalling 8 hours today. i hate thursdays.

At branch meeting today, dpty director shared our branch's climate survey findings. it turns out that our branch's level of morale is super low compared to our division, compared to moe wide, and compared to all our singapore ministries. we have lower satisfaction of compensation, hate our bosses, think we have too much work, think we have poor work-life balance, think the environment is stifling, think our leadership sucks, amongst many many others. And these are all true, it's really how we feel.

Dpty director was shocked and very sad that this has happened (it's the lowest climate survey she has ever seen in her life), and she was very sincere in getting our inputs on how the management can improve. she's really a very nice person, and i'm just sad to see that she has to be the one to take charge of this and represent the management when honestly, it's the other members in the management who have made things end up this way. Though she's seated at the top and has the most power, she has no control over the other members and i bet she doesn't even know how mean the rest of them can be. it's really sad to see that our culture here has turned into a war between "us" and the "bosses". but it's the work of many years of condescending manners, piles and piles of work heaped on us as if we're super-humans and no respect or recognition for our work.

Anyway, I'm a lil' sad today cos i heard my dad scold my mum when she accidentally slammed the door. He used a crude word and i was really disturbed by it.... Is it true that there can be no love after marriage? Or after years of marriage? I think if I'm on the receiving end of such treatment, i won't be able to take it.. to be scolded by my husband just cos i slammed the door accidentally. I dunno why my family dynamics are like that. or is it a common thing in other families? I don't know.. i think sometimes i have no faith. At times i see my mum being mean to my dad, at times i see my dad being mean to my mum. At times they're fine. I feel really sad and confused.... sigh. beginning to lose my belief in love.

my mum told me that when i was young, i used to be very very scared when people scolded each other or quarrelled. i would hide under my bed. ??!! haha. i think even till now, i'm really scared when pple scold me. but of cos now i react differently.. i think i've grown to be more defensive so as to protect myself. i still really hate to be scolded and being talked harshly at... and being reactive is just a defense mechanism.

last thing.. i feel so sorry for kai's niece. really hope that his family will be fine and that his niece will be ok... even though it's really not ok for such a young child to go through this, i hope things will get better and that they can be strong.. life just doesn't make sense sometimes.