a waking call

feeling a little melancholic and moody on this saturday night at home. but at the same time, getting a bit of rest by staying home, doing some work and surfing net. planning to read a book later.. or play some games. like just doing whatever i've always felt like. some ME-time.

still a bit shakened by yesterday's fainting incident. i really thought i'm getting better over the years, but the incident kinda shook me and slapped me in the face as a warning.

what happened was i just started feeling really giddy while i was along the hospital corridor waiting to see germaine and her baby. it was super hot and stuffy. it's the familiar wave of feeling of blacking out again, all too familiar. The world became very fuzzy and far - that's the last feeling i had.

And then i fainted and collapsed on the floor - apparently so because the next thing i knew, somebody was calling and shaking me, "Miss, are u ok?" repeatedly and i was thinking to myself, this is such a good, deep sleep.... just let me sleep... i was totally lulled over. but then the nurse managed to wake me up and i found myself sprawled on the ground in a sleeping position, squashing germaine's flowers under my buttocks no less, my colleagues crowded around me and their eyes all on me.

it was so humiliating and embarrassing. but most of all, it scared me.

what's happening to me? i know i'm very prone to blacking out. but i've never had an incident whereby i just literally dropped dead on the ground. However, i realised that the only difference is that in all the past incidents, i managed to lie down or lean back just in time when i was at the brink of blacking out or halfway through. This time, i was standing up and there's just nothing nearby to grab hold. Within seconds, it wiped me out.

the feeling was just surreal. it gave me a new perspective on death somehow. though this is qualitatively so much different from death of course, it gave me an insight of sorts, since they are similar in a sense that both has something to do with our consciousness. i now feel less afraid. i know there'd be no feeling at all. i won't even know it happened. i couldn't recall how i fell, i had no pain or suffering at all when i hit the ground.

i know it's a warning sign for my health. my body is too tired and drained. too spent. from work, from everything. i feel as if i've laboured for my job and i just keep giving and giving... it's taking too much a toll on me and it doesn't help that i don't get enough rest on weekends either. neither am i watching my diet nor doing any exercise. it's really bad. i know it is. i can feel something's wrong with my heartbeat even, but i don't even have the courage to do a checkup. i feel like changing everything, starting anew. i dunno how much damage i've done, but think it's not too late.

i just need loads of determination to change. where can i start?