catharsis time

I hate holidays.

Simply because it means that once you go back to work, you’ll be swamped and totally engulfed by the amount of work u’ve accumulated over the few days of break…

Holidays are like the calm before the storm. A signal that life can’t be so great…

Sigh… I’m seriously stressed out now. Sooooo much work!!

I have meetings after meetings.. but I dun even have time to sit down in the office to work on those things we discussed over meetings. I’ve to bring home all the work that I’m supposed to do in the office, simply because most of the time I’m out of the office and can’t even do those things… emails, reports, proposals, data compilation, notes of meetings, powerpoint slides…

… and it’s not just the amount of work, but work that sometimes I’m not even sure I know how to handle within my capacity. I need to be so brainy, to be able to articulate my ideas, viewpoints, suggestions, be informed of the millions of things going on in our setting, be knowledgeable in special needs, be able to think ahead, talk intelligently and fluently with superiors and peers who are so highly educated: scholars, doctorate holders, postgrads from Harvard, ucl, cambridge… to impact on policies and systems that would be rolled out to hundreds of schools here… I’m just not so sure all these are within my capacity, and many times I’ve felt so utterly challenged, so overwhelmed by all tt’s going on. Before I can even make sense of something, I’m being swamped by something else.

Sure they warned us that HQ is a pressure cooker… that it’s super fast paced because we need to inform and impact on schools.. we’re doing all the planning that are to be rolled out in schools…it’s intellectually stimulating, as they call it here..

But I certainly didn’t expect it to be like this. So fast, so heavy, so demanding, so… intellectual. i can't think of a time i can just rest my mind and dun have to think.

The work that we do is definitely great and impactful.. it’s definitely helping lots out there.. it’s fulfilling and meaningful surely, which is what I seek in the first place. But just how much can I handle and cope with the pressure.. I’m not sure anymore…it’s taking such a toll on me, taxing me and sapping my energy. Killing my brain cells not to mention…

Real work has just started for me and I can’t seem to take it already… just had work review (never fail to dampen my mood) today and my RO has sooo much more expectations from me still.. apparently doing our work well is not enough (think that’s only C grade). We have to go beyond, stretch our limits, offer to do things such as conducting trainings even when we’re not expected to, initiate more ideas and things we can do to contribute beyond our scope, basically, to be superhumans.

Alright.. I just came home from work only and I still haven’t bathe.. had to vent out everything first before i go crazy… gonna bathe and start typing a process chart tt’s due tomorrow morning for a meeting… seriously, I dun even have a clue on how to write this thing. but wateva..