sighh.. everything in my life just seems so gloomy at the mo.. been gg thru periods of ups and downs for the past few mths since graduation.. i wonder when i can finally climb out of this rut

how i hate struggling with my finances each month.. tired of watching and monitoring as the figure in my account drops with such speed.. and by the second week i'll be counting down to the next pay day.. each mth i pay more than a thousand worth of loans and bills.. it's taking such a toll and i feel so suffocated, having to always make sure i dun overspend and that i have enough in my bank every first of the month so that the banks can deduct my loans.. and i haven't been overspending.. i've been more thrifty than when i was a student i dare say.. about the only thing i've bought for myself thus far is a phone.. and work clothes..

and that leaves me not much for savings too.. and i'm so troubled thinking bout how i can't even afford to save much for the next 7, 8 years when i'll still be in debt.. how i can't foresee pursuing a masters degree within these years at least.. and how a masters and doctorate are so vital in my line of work... and how i can't see myself progressing anywhere in my career as much as i enjoy the job right now... i just can't be stuck at my current position forever, but yet without further studies i basically would be.. i'm basically stuck for the next ten years... can't get married, can't pursue studies... unless i marry a tycoon hahaha..i bring home like less than 1k each mth after paying all those debts.. can't even afford to give my parents any..

and everyone knows how little peanuts the govt pays us for working for them.. how pathetic are the increments they give us... and nope, i'm not included in the freaking pay rise for civil servants.. damnit. how i hate being paid lesser than teachers and getting half the recognition as well.. i really feel that the kind of work my branch does is so so much and so impactful, but nobody could even tell or understand.. cos we're doing so much confidential background work.. how some schools may not even appreciate the help we try to give on our own accord.. well that aside.. how we are paid lesser than our colleagues in the same branch who were once teachers.. how we won't even get any pay rise even if we could scrimp up a fortune to pursue a masters.. but nope, i'm not saying that i'd forego my job for a better paying job or something... it's just that, the money thing sometimes just get at u so much.. they're really exploiting our passion, really..

how i hate staying home too.. being embroiled in sibling rivalry, parents world war and stuff like that.. how i sometimes hate the bro for hating me.. how he can't pay more bills when he's earning such decent pay and been working for a few years.. how i have to split the cable bills with him when i'm just using freaking lousy wireless and dun watch any of his sports channels or wateva..

i miss those times in hall. pure, innocent fun. away from troubles and obligations at home.. i'm really a family person at heart. i try so hard to be closer to them.. but sometimes, i can't help but feel i dun even have a true family, and doubt that even anyone bothers.

******

ok as if my post ain't depressing enough already... let's go on to something even worse.

been feeling disturbed and upset by the news of the death of the dragon boaters..sigh.. life's so fragile, so unpredictable..

how can someone be so alive at one mo, and totally dead the next?

the god of death can really just claim a life.. any life he wanted.. in an instant, in the blink of an eye, isn't it?

wat were they thinking on the brink of death?

we've been hearing so much of young pple like us.. dying in freak accidents, overseas or locally.. these news just add so much uncertainty and unpredictability in our lives, as if we dun have enough of these already.

it can just happen to anyone at all.. there's no denying anymore. and yet in the midst of such uncertainties in life we're forced to take on an optimistic perspective, to always believe in the best. isn't life a contradiction in itself? in psychology we call it the optimistic bias.. the idea that bad things won't happen to us. which is both good (optimism is good for emotional well-being) and bad (cos we tend to take more risks and be less cautious, hence allowing certain accidents to happen). which view should we take then?

pple always say dun worry too much before things happen.. sometimes u're so inclined to agree. but sometimes, u feel, these pple are too idealistic. they think bad things won't happen to them.. and they choose to live life as it is, without thinking about wat may possibly happen, without making plans for such possibilities. of cos there must be a healthy balance.. hmm easy to say..

anyway my post just morphed into some essay again. i really just hope the best for their families.. the grief must be too hard to bear.. i can't imagine their fear, their sadness, their loss.

meanwhile i just hope that our friends overseas would be fine and safe..