the quarrels have escalated to talks of divorce.

i'm tired of hearing talks about divorce for so many years.

i tried to calm my mum down by saying some good things about my dad, but it just angered her more. and she took out her anger on me.

i lost it when she said something like i may not understand, but one day the same thing will happen to me too.

i told her that if she hopes that for me, then fine. i'm ok with it.

and she went on to say something else that i dun want to remember again, but i think i will.

i went to my room and felt hot tears streaming down uncontrollably. i wanted to wipe them off and tell myself i'll never cry for them again, but my useless eyes just betray me time and again.

i think that to a very large extent, my parents have shaped my skeptical views on love and marriage. i think it has shaped me to be a perfectionist when it comes to love, believing that i must find a perfect guy to marry, or else i'd end up like them. and as long as i feel that the guy is lacking something, i'd rather not try, for fear of getting hurt and disappointed.

sometimes i dun believe that things can ever work out for me. seeing them like this for the past 20 years has made me feel like a good marriage is not possible. but i still have this glimmer of hope and belief deep within me that i can still find happiness one day. this glimmer falters and wavers at times, and then i tell myself to forget it. it's so hard to hang on to hope.

i know that i worry too much, expect too much... i dun want to either. my parents' rship has just affected me too deeply since a very young age. u have no idea how much a mum's years of miserable grievances and complaints about ur dad can do to your faith in men..

i ache for my mum, for her not being able to have the kind of marriage she wants.. i ache for my dad, for him not being able to have the kind of marriage he wants.. it's a match made in folly, that i can say for sure. it shocks and saddens me to know how much two persons can hate each other and be so bitter after so many years..