time to rethink about work

i've reached a point in my work whereby i'm no longer able to read all my emails, let alone reply them or even clear my inbox (it's currently twice over the limit), i'm no longer able to track my to-do lists, i'm no longer able to start writing psych reports within months of seeing the child, i'm no longer able to track my monthly schedules and important dates because there are just too many things going on daily, i'm unable to even take a 5 min break at my desk, or go to the toilet for a leak sometimes.

that's really how bad things are now and i feel i just need to BREATHE. i need it badly.

had easily 15 meetings these two weeks, four days of workshop, a day of workplan, some school visits and assessments. each of our meeting lasts like 3 hours at least. some can stretch like 5 hours! some start at 5-6pm. some take place during lunch.

i'm really tired of working 11 - 12 hours a day. for the past few weeks i've been waking up at 6am and leaving house at 6+, before any of my family members are up. at night i reach home at 7+ 8+ feeling like a zombie totally. been travelling all over singapore.. nie, chevron, polytechnics..from home. super tiring can..

as predicted, the course added on a huge pile of work. the lessons themselves were great.. the lecturers are from a distinguished uni in london.. they are v distinguished psychologists in the field.. those names that i used to read about in journals, and are authors of textbooks and articles.. they are fantastic really.

the problem is with how our organization manages our work. when it was trying to get us on board, nobody told us stuff like we're gonna have weekly tutorials and discussion groups at nie, our assignment consists of a thesis-like paper every 3 months consisting of lit reviews and case studies in schools, form debate groups, and worst of all, our workload is still the same though they've assured time and again they're gonna reduce it. with what??

now on top of my freaking tons of projects and schools and meetings and seminars and trainings, i have to attend lessons, do research and assignments, and worry about my grades cos apparently that also go into our performance ranking. wth. i can't manage. i really can't. but there's no one in the management to tell these woes to.

cos u know that:
1) the management will brush away ur problems and say these are good learning opportunities

2) they'll say u're incompetent and really need to learn how to balance ur work and this would be the perfect opportunity to master the skill

3) they'll immediately rank u lower in the ranking exercise since this is evidence that u're not "performing higher than expectations"

4) they're not going to reduce ur work load at the end of the day anyway

All these are not based on mindless conjectures but what we've all experienced under the "reign of terror"... i really feel we're a miserable stifled bunch. if it's not for the passion of psychology, i'm outta here before you can even say shitass.

been getting lotsa dreams and nightmares about work.. i feel too mentally drained and challenged at work and sometimes i just wanna do nothing. like do absolutely nothing. like just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. i feel like being stupid and talking brainlessly on weekends cos the entire week i must try to talk intelligently in perfect ministry language.

it's a luxury to even do things like read a book, have a good nap without alarm clock, watch tv nowadays. i feel like at the end of the week, i'm just in no capacity to socialize, interact, and communicate with anyone. i just need some of the simple things in life.

but yet so far every week there's been some family function, friends' gathering etc... can't really stay home at all.

i need a break... really do. i need to go somewhere. like batam, bintan, or hk if possible. anywhere. just to get my mind away from work. at home, i'm beginning to dread my gmail account even cos that's becoming my work-from-home email. sucks.

was watching my first f1 race on tv just now and had to shuffle between typing my reports and running back to the tv. sucks. anyway, sad that kimi lost. thought that alonso was ugly at first but on close up he's actually quite cute.

my life sounds dreadful. arghhh super emo. tomorrow's monday again. i'm gonna lug 10 case files and assessment tools up the bus at 7am. can't wait for wed's public holiday!!! much deserved break. but why do i have the feeling that it's gonna be spent doing work?!