the worst feeling in the world is being misunderstood.

i had such a bad friday at work that i cried twice in the office. i hate it how i'm always slow in finding my defenses at points of confrontation, how i'm always only able to process my thoughts and reaction after which, when it no longer matters. i hate it how i hate to justify or explain myself, but how if i don't, i can't take it lying down.

this is the first time i cried over work not due to utter stress and misery, but due to a feeling of helplessness and inability to explain myself, and hurt by the utter reality that it even happened and the kind of insinuation implied.

it makes me feel so tired, over and above the jadedness i already feel. it makes me feel like stopping to try anymore. what am i? someone who slogs behind the scenes without credit given. is it really just a game of visibility like so many colleagues have warned me? i hate it so much. why people who make themselves "seen" and "heard" such as sending emails to the whole office at 10pm or keeping bosses in the cc in everything they do, just wipe out all the credit? those who are so diplomatic and bootlickers who plaster smiles all over their faces and then talk behind people's backs, does it mean they are better at their work?

and for what it's worth, i don't even care about being given recognition or credit. i don't need people to know that i work late, hence i don't need to send emails at 10pm even though i work late perpetually all the time which nobody would know anyway because i'm usually the only one or two left and my office is separate from my superiors and bosses. yes, i'm given a shit pile of work in my humble opinion, so i whine and complain to friends but i'm resigned to it and i still work my ass off. i don't need people to start insinuating that i'm actually not busy at all, just because i'm not as "seen" and "heard" as some others. in a nutshell, i don't need people to know that i have a heavy workload, but i hate it when people start thinking i have very little work just cos i don't show it and i don't complain. just cos i always suck it up.

i feel really terrible inside and i just wish that i can escape from misery over the weekend. desperately need to go somewhere to unwind and recharge myself, go for a spa, numb myself with shopping and food, catch a midnight movie, go for a picnic or a concert/play which i haven't done in a long time or just go for drinks and desserts. but of course, these are always figments of imagination that never take place in real time. nowadays, i've not been able to do anything i wish to do or be able to have any itch or craving for something satisfied.

my weekends are becoming stressful in itself having to ensure that everyone's needs and wishes are met above mine, ensuring that i'm not a nuisance or hindrance to anybody just in case my desires come in the way of theirs. i crave so much for freedom, since i can't have it in the workplace i just wish i can have abit of that outside and beyond work. the freedom to just do things i wish, not having to always consider for others or consider what their opinion of me would be like, the freedom to even plan things ahead of time instead of leaving every idea to the last minute and leaving it to chance. the freedom to even have time alone with you to work certain things out and build up the connection. the freedom to just be myself and be me. it's so hard.. even communicating about this would become an argument in itself.

i believe so much in open communication and emotional connection but i'm really starting to doubt whether i can make it work when this is only my own philosophy. there's just too much resentment built up along the way and it's come to a point whereby i won't even want to talk about it or raise it up and hence just suck it up again and end up feeling bottled inside and really unhappy and resentful and eventually the mind and the heart turns all black and cold. maybe it's really just me.

tomorrow's monday again... how much i hate mondays, and because of that, how much i hate sunday nights too.